…that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

In no particular order.

1. Two hour phone calls about nothing and everything that feel like they only spanned fifteen minutes.
2. Exchanging “I love you” in a mumbled half-asleep state while snuggled perfectly.
3. Silences when we have nothing to say, but aren’t awkward or uncomfortable, just there enjoying the others’ company.
4. Meeting for lunch mostly just to see each other in the middle of the day.
5. Sharing love with two amazing people, without restrictions or boundaries, but often with a good dose of overanalyzation. ;)

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: A perfect lazy morning.

Too-bright sunlight offends my eyes as I blink in the late morning light.

Letting out a soft groan I stretch and roll over onto my back reaching over to find his hand I clutch it to my chest before my head turns, gaze catching up a second later. I watch him for a few moments before rolling over yet again, this time putting his arm beneath my head and snuggling up into the crook of his arm the way I love to do.

Perfection is how we fit together.

A contented smile curls the corners of my mouth, looking up into his sleeping face as I move my lips just slightly to the left and sink my teeth lightly into his exposed nipple, trying to be gentle since he’s not as much of a fan of pain as I am.

As I watch him stir my hand slides down his side only to rest just above his cock, stroking there softly, teasingly, before moving to kiss him good morning.

Of us, taken by me, late 2006

Found these questions answered by Thursday’s Child and thought they were kind of cute and may be a good way to jump-start my writing. I have so many posts swimming in my head, but am having a difficult time articulating them. Plus, doesn’t everyone want to read about my thoughts on this stuff?

1. Who eats more?
It goes back and forth, actually. Most days I do, I think, but some days he does, it just depends on what we have that day and the times. Usually we eat together or at least near the same time, but some days if we don’t one of us ends up eating more. Or I just eat more in general ’cause I tend to snack.

2. Who said “I love you” first?
He did. It was before we actually physically met, by a little more than a month. We had been planning on meeting in March of 2005 but put it off until July because of school and I was moving out of the dorms into an apartment in June and then heading to Juneau for a couple weeks, so we set the meeting date to be after my Juneau trip. We were chatting online as usual one night in June and he was somewhat drunk and told me he loved me. I was shocked but also intensely happy, we had this “friends with benefits” idea before that, but his drunken admission kind of changed everything.

3. Who is the morning person?
He is more than I am, but neither of us are really morning people at all. He tends to wake up before I do and get tired before I do, but mostly because his body has been trained into that schedule. If given the chance we would both stay up most the night and sleep during the day I think.

4. Who sings better?
I do, though he rarely sings, and when he does I love it, but he often is off key, which is just more endearing. I have the benefit of having taken lessons when I was younger, and also being in a choir or two.

5. Who is older?
He is, by ten and a half years, so we will never be in the same decade, which amuses me, though I like to pretend I’m older (and people generally assume I’m older), so it kind of works out.

6. Who is smarter?
He says I am, I used to say he is, but I think after so many years we’ve kind of established that I am. Well, that’s not exactly true, but it’s true in some ways. Our intellect is very comparable, really, but we’re just smart in different ways. We’re both brilliant in some things and stupid in others.

7. Whose temper is worse?
This one’s difficult because we both have difficulty expressing anger. I’m going to say mine is, or I get slighted easier than he does and I am generally more upset when I do express things, though we express things in very different manners.

8. Who does the laundry?
We both do, for the most part. Laundry is usually done on a whim, and so whoever feels like doing it does it. It’s about even, I think.

9. Who does the dishes?
Again, we both do. I think he does them more often since I usually cook and often we do the dishes at the same time as cooking, which means it’s difficult for me to do them.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
Depends on if the right side is from the sleeper’s or viewer’s perspective. I’d assume sleeper’s, but who knows. He does, in that case, though before we moved I used to. We switched because of where the outlets/power strips are and therefore where my laptop is (now on the left side). Probably once we get a real bed and our bedroom set up we will switch back to me on the right.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
His, but only by a size. He has average feet, I have big feet.

12. Whose hair is longer?
Mine, but only by about an inch since I cut it. The back and sides of his hair are much shorter than mine, but the top is about an inch shorter I think. Either way both of our hair is short.

13. Who’s better with the computer?
He’s better at most things, though I’m generally faster on it.

14. Do you have pets?
We currently have four cats: Erebus Aleister Sebastian, Eros Agape Cesario, Aether Ganymede Newton, and Morpheus Andreas Orion. We used to have two others: Nyx Astarte Viola, and Nemesis Ararita Olivia. Nyx is the mother of Aether, Morpheus, and Nemesis, though Nem was from a previous litter and Aether and Morph are litter brothers.
We also have two snakes currently, a Honduran milk snake named Scarlet Medea Astarte and a Columbian Boa named Gandhi Odin… though he has a third name and I can’t think of it.

15. Who pays the bills?
Technically it’s his money 99% of the time, though not always, but we have a joint account and we both pay the bills from that account. It transforms into both of our money, even though he’s the one making it.

16. Who cooks dinner?
I do, pretty much always, though sometimes he does. He’s a great cook, but prior to our relationship he had never really cooked vegetarian, and since I am vegetarian that meant the cooking generally fell to me. Plus, I love cooking, so I usually want to cook anyway.

17. Who drives when you are together?
Neither of us! We don’t have a car, and we don’t have drivers licenses. Crazy, right? He had one in Norway but let it lapse since there are hoops to jump through to get a license in Utah. I’ve never had one, though I’ve meant to get one I’ve just never had a car.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
Usually he does, because he’s faster with his card, but sometimes I do, though it all comes from the same bank account anyway. I just like to pretend like I pay sometimes.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
We’re both pretty damn stubborn, though I think I am slightly moreso than he is, but it’s definitely a tough thing to compare. I just asked him and he said “yeah… I think you’re more stubborn” in a definitely more stubborn sort of way. I can be pretty bad sometimes

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Hah, um… I’m not sure. We’re both pretty bad about that, but he probably is the first to admit it, though it depends on what the circumstances are and who is at fault more. I think it fluctuates.

21. Who’s family do you see more?
Mine, definitely, we’re actually going to a big party for my Aunt this weekend and so we’re going to see even more of them. Moving to Seattle kind of made my family an even more frequent occurrence since both my parents come here frequently, and most of my extended family is about three hours away. His family is in Norway, so we did see them last May when we went over there, but that’s nowhere nearly as frequent as my family.

22. Who named your pets?
We both did, though I was the primary namer. I have naming rules, such as they must have three names and must somewhat go together, such as all of our kitties have primordial Greek Gods for first names.

23. Who kissed who first?
We pretty much devoured each others mouths the first time we saw each other, about a second in to it, but we had known each other online for quite some time already and we had been doing things online and on the phone prior to meeting face-to-face. I think he initiated the kiss that first time, but we were both going for it.

24. Who asked who out?
That never really happened.

26. Who is more sensitive?
Me, definitely. Much more sensitive. I don’t like it, but I am.

27. Who is taller?
I think I am, but only by about a half inch, maybe less, we’re very close to the same height unless I’m wearing heels.

28. Who has more friends?
That’s a tough one… I’m honestly not sure. We’re such a couple (in a way I never imagined myself to be) that most of our friends are mutual ones, though I still am in contact with more of my pre-relationship friends than he is, so maybe that counts.

29. Who has more siblings?
I do, I have two sisters and he has one half sister.

Today, the 16th of December, is Onyx’s birthday, he’s 33 today! This is our fourth birthday of his together, the first one we spent together in Ashland, Oregon and I made my oaxacan chocolate mocha cake and we watched Buffy, the last two we’ve been here in SLC.

The bad news is that he damaged his back this weekend, he may have a herniated disk. Not the best birthday present ever. It’s been kind of a crazy past few days.

For you, my love, here is a birthday song.

Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.

Butterfly Nude by Leah Hawker
Found via Domina Doll’s post

I’ve put off posting about my lovely friend The Butterfly Temptress, not because I don’t want to help, but because every time I think about posting to talk about her battle with cancer and the lack of help she is receiving from the medical community I have a hard time actually writing it. In some ways, posting makes it more real, and I have to think about the possibility of losing this wonderful woman, something that I hope will not happen for many many decades.

The problem is that she falls between the cracks in our medical system, something that needs great reform, part of one candidate’s priorities, and yet another reason to vote on November 4th. She makes too much to get government aid, but is under-insured and doesn’t make enough so her medical bills are not covered. She has stage IV cervical cancer that has spread throughout her system, and without proper treatment it will continue ravaging her body.

Her series Life. Love. Cancer. is being posted on Best Sex Bloggers and the sex blogger commUNITY is coming together to support her. She’s not one to ask for help often, but with so much on the line and the potential of not being able to watch her children grow up or grow old with her Knight, we are all asking for help along side her.

The wonderful sex toy company VibeReview is allowing their affiliates to donate their November commissions to The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund. Not only will they donate the commissions, but they are also going to match any donations made by affiliates.

Some of the ways you can help:

• Read, empathize, support, and comment on her Life. Love. Cancer. series, or on her personal blog The Butterfly Temptress.

• Donate money using the paypal link at the top righthand column of The Butterfly Temptress’ Blog.

• Shop under my affiliate link on Vibe Review, where all of my proceeds from November will be going to help The Butterfly Temptress, and will be matched by VibeReview. If you’re not sure of what to get check out the reviews on the latest Pleasurists or any of my reviews.

• Sign up for the reviewer program with VibeReview and check the box to help, or if you’re already an affiliate, check the box too.

• Additional information about The initial call to action and The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund on Best Sex Bloggers.

Ellie Lumpesse has been posting a series of interviews with men about masculinity all of which are absolutely fantastic, and I highly encourage you all to check them out. A little from her on her interviews: “So the other day I was thinking about masculinity. And then I realized I should probably think about it in conjunction with men. So, I asked a few guys to answer some very difficult questions about their relationships with masculinity. I’m amazed by the response so far and I hope that a dialogue will begin.”

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

Growing up I don’t recall much of a focus on what masculinity was per se. I was raised by a single mother and largely raised by my two grandmothers; in fact I never even met my father until I was 7. Also I grew up in Norway which means a slightly different culture than in the US, though the ideas of Masculinity and Femininity are similar enough, if perhaps somewhat less extreme.

My first real experience with a Father Figure was when my mother got married to another man, a man I hated with a fiery vengeance. He also had a son who was 4 years older than me and we disliked each other even more. Growing up I had never been in to a lot of “proper” masculine activities, I hated sports and while other boys would love to play soccer or go skiing I would prefer staying home reading a book.

This didn’t fly with my step father, he had rather traditional ideas of what boys should be into and so he set out to “make a man of me”. Of course, even back then I had a rather stubborn and surprisingly well-developed anti-authoritan streak and I fought back against pretty hard. Luckily it didn’t last long as he and my mother had problems that resulted in a short marriage.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Yes and no. I like to think that I’ve embraced some of the better aspects of masculinity while rejecting the aspects I consider useless or counterproductive. My “embrace” of my masculine side began in High-school where I went through a large shift in personality, seeking to become more assertive, more confident and more in charge of my life. But with my typical contrariness I put my own spin on it and refused to easily fit with a masculine stereotype. Where other boys were still enamored by sports and physical prowess, I focused on mental prowess and poured my energy into becoming some sort of Intellectual Alpha-Male. The advent of the internet made this even easier and I adopted an online persona where I felt I explored a more aggressive masculine persona. I found it easier to be what I had been taught a Man should be online where I could play to my strengths than in real life where I still found the typical male bravado and chest-thumping to be rather distasteful.

Eventually as I got more comfortable with my masculine sides they also began to mellow and I began to feel more like moving outside the limitations they in some ways imposed on me. I feel less of a need to prove my masculinity, but more of a need to really explore it beyond what I had been taught about it, to find a masculinity that’s my own instead of that imposed by culture and society. I am still going through this process and am probably going to be doing so for the rest of my life. In fact the whole question of masculinity becomes just a part of a larger context of self-realization where simple labels increasingly fail to convey any real meaning about who I am and the ideas, thoughts, opinions and desires that I’m composed of. Masculinity fits, better than some other labels, but my Masculinity is to me unique, in some ways more forceful, in some ways more compromising than what others expect. It is in some ways subversive while in others it is almost frighteningly conformist.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

For me my Masculinity in many ways ties in with my Dominant preferences. I don’t consider myself strictly heterosexual, but I’m primarily attracted to Biological females who are “feminine”, and I tend to present my Masculine side to others. Occasionally though, I feel a need to move completely out of that framework, to be the one not in charge, the one being fucked instead of the one doing the fucking, the one who surrenders control, while at the same time I have a very hard time doing so, and even talking about it or acknowledging it becomes very challenging. My appearance, mannerism and demeanor are thus almost universally “masculine” often in an almost exaggerated manner, especially around strangers or people I don’t know too well. In some ways this might be a defense mechanism, an easy way to keep others from really learning about me, from really getting to know me. Opening up and being vulnerable is something that I’ve always had a hard time with and even with my current partner who I feel closer to than anyone my whole life it still takes enormous effort on her part for me to really open up and show my vulnerable sides. The only consolation here is that it’s gradually getting a little bit easier.

Now this is not to say that I feel bad about my expressions of Masculinity, I definitely feel they are an important and cherished part of me, but I also feel a need to move beyond them and no longer be restricted by the limitations I feel they impose on me.

…when you’re not having it and not feeling sexy.

You may have noticed I’ve taken some time off. Perhaps it wasn’t too noticeable, though, since I still posted a bit and it really hasn’t been that long since I last posted. However, the content of my posts lately has been a lot of me re-posting others’ ideas/works/announcements. That’s what I mean by taking a break… which is strange in and of itself.

The reason for this largely has to do with my current situation both financial and romantic. First thing’s first: I need a job. And although I’ve been applying at many places and trying to get a job it is difficult also because I’m not prepared or willing to sacrifice myself for my job, and getting a job with my appearance here in Utah is not exactly easy. But, this is really a whole seperate issue than (though tied in with) the larger reason for the break.

Dominus and I have been having issues. Some of it has to do with what I wrote a week ago, about my own fears of his leaving me. But, in reality, it has to do with his fears of the same subject. I have changed rather dramatically in the last few months, including embracing aspects of myself such as my Domina personae, which he cannot really touch or interact with on much of a level.

I mean, I’ve always Topped him a little bit, but he’s always been my Dominant, if that makes sense. I have always teased him and I’ve fucked his ass, and things like that, but I’ve never Dominated him, and I don’t have the desire to dominate him. This is a semantic difference, obviously, but it’s a big one. I enjoy Topping him at times, but he’s always the Dominant in the situation even if I’m the Top.

One big problem with our sexuality is that our sex is becoming more and more straight. This bothers me, as, despite the fact that Dominus and my relationship is heterosexual we are far from straight. The sex we had when we first got together is worlds apart from the sex we have now. It’s hard to explain the difference, and I’m not even sure if I could if I tried, but there are different things which go into straight sex and queer sex, and we have not been having queer sex even though we have before.

We talked a lot these last few days that we’ve been communicating a lot about the issues, we talked about lack of time and energy and we talked a lot about sex. We both are not satisfied with where we are right now, and we are going to change it. One big issue is that he will never be able to fulfill me completely. I don’t mean this in a negative way, and I don’t expect to be able to fulfill him completely either. We come close to it, but I also think with poly-wired people such as ourselves it’s nearly impossible to be fulfilled 100% by one other person.

How much I am fulfilled is also directly proportionate to our sex life, as well. I have an extremely high sex drive, and in some ways being on orgasm restriction like I have been is not conducive to our sex life. One would imagine that orgasm restriction would make me want sex more often, but the opposite seems to be true. Rather, the more sex I have the more I want to have, so putting me on restriction or going days without sex just makes me desire it less rather than more. It’s strange, but that’s the way I work. Also, because he has allowed me to orgasm on my own while trying out my toys to review, I have gotten used to getting myself off and him not getting me off.

The biggest issue for him pulling away from me is my Domina and queer desires, which he doesn’t seem to fit into, and thus since I have been focusing heavily on those sides for the last few months it has seemed, in some ways, as a rejection of us. I can completely understand that, though it was far from my intention. We’ve talked about it a little bit over the last few months as well, but never to the point of resolving anything satisfactorily.

One of the wonderful things about The Leather Daddy and the Femme and why I’ve attached myself to it so fiercely, is that it depicts a heterosexual relationship much like my own and also with many differences, but it depicts a very queer heterosexual relationship, and that’s the kind of relationship I desire. Our relationship was much more queer in the beginning, and has been slipping toward something far more straight, and a lot of that is because of where we live. Salt Lake City isn’t exactly conductive to queer heterosexuals.

So, we’ve talked. Ad nauseam, really. Slowly we’ve gotten past the surface issues to those which have been really bothering us. I haven’t had as much attraction to him sexually because we’re getting away from queer sex, and I don’t do straight sex, I just don’t. I finally have understood where that has been coming from, and he (I hope) has gotten to understand where he is coming from in all his fears as well, and we’ve come to a greater place of understanding and the desire to work on this together.

The wonderful thing about our relationship is that neither of us is willing to give up on it. We both are dedicated to it as well as to each other, which means that even though we have rough patches (as every relationship should, really), we always get through them and are stronger for them. It’s perfect, really. No relationship that is worth having is easy.

This was written by my wonderful Dominus. I think it’s beautiful (of course I would, it’s about us) and so I wanted to share it with you.

He and I have talked about him doing guest posts on here, which I was going to make this one except he preferred it if I posted it as a quote from him rather than having him post it from his account. Hopefully we shall see a few posts from him in the near-to-distant future.

The Cactus

The Desert almost claimed me

This salted Wasteland
So barren in its Homogeny

I withered

And to survive
I became a Cactus
A natural part of the Desert

Yet not letting anyone past my spikes

And I endured

Until I saw the Lotus
Stubbornly refusing
To wither under the heat

Unwilling to become part of the Desert
Reminding me that even a Cactus

Can bloom

Everything I know about relationships means that Dominus’ and mine will never last. At some point we will find that we no longer fit together like we once did. Is it logic or fear that is telling me that? Sometimes I’m not sure. I don’t completely believe it, but I don’t not believe it.

Part of me can’t imagine a reason for ever needing to leave, and that in and of itself scares me. We are both solidly committed to the growth of the other, of bettering the life of the other, and we are both poly, so I can’t see myself ever needing to leave him for someone else as there are other wonderful poly people out there and I’m sure some or many of them are compatible with me/us.

I read about people who have been together for long periods of time and I wonder how they do it. Maybe it is because all of my immediate examples of relationships just tell me that things don’t always work out the way they should. I’ve grown up with the idea that people fall apart and love isn’t always enough replaying over and over in the relationships I’ve witnessed. My experience of relationships is such that I question commitment.

I know this is typical, I do have a degree in Psychology after all and I’ve read about attachment theories and imprinting of relationship patterns and all of that. I can point out the way that this is both logical (for my brain) and fear-driven but it wouldn’t necessarily be logical for anyone else, because it’s the way my brain works. I also continually compare my relationship with Stian to my sister’s first big relationship, because in some ways they are eerily similar and even though in other ways they’re worlds apart it’s easier for me to see the similarities… that is a bit of a side-note though.

I feel like I’ve been running hot and cold lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. There are some days when I can’t imagine my life without him and there are others that I can’t imagine being with him forever or even for long. My sex drive has been rather diminished lately, and I’m not quite sure of the cause. I’ve been playing with toys for reviewing, and we’ve had sex just not a lot recently, and not as much as I have been before.

It all comes back to my preset ideas about relationships as well as my general unhappiness with my bodily health and living in SLC. I’m working to change the two big things I’m unhappy with, but for an instant-gratification junkie like me it is difficult to have the two big things making me depressed both not being able to be fixed quickly. In order to change my unhappiness with my bodily health I’m having to change the way I think about everything regarding what I put in and do with my body, but the big changes will take a lot of time. In order to move out of SLC we have to wait until we have the money to do it.

As for my preset ideas about relationships… well, we’ve been living together for two years, we’ve been together for over three, and I’ve been thinking about that a lot, since we just had two of our anniversaries within the last month or so. My relationship fearing brain tells me that we have been together for a long time and that means our time must be running out. I worry that because we’re not having sex that means he no longer desires me, which means he’s growing tired of me, which means he may reject me, which means my fears about relationships ending are somehow validated. When in reality I know he is tired from working so much and that if I initiated sex we would have it, I’m usually the one who initiates and I haven’t been lately first because I haven’t been feeling very sexy, and now because I don’t feel very desired.

The catch, of course, is that because I feel he doesn’t desire me as much I’ve been pulling away from him. I’ve been not initiating sex even when I want it, I’ve been waiting to see if he will take the initiative while at the same time knowing that he’s tired from working his butt off most of the week and that he’s feeling me pull away which makes it less likely he will initiate anything, and my pulling away means that he pulls away because I’m pulling away… basically it’s a cycle that is never-ending until we talk about it and it’s hard to talk about when we’re in the middle of it.

That’s what this post is for, though. This is my way of processing the situation and getting to a place where I understand it enough to bring it up and talk about it. This is the first step towards change: realizing the problem on my side so that we can talk about it and come to a resolution. We talked a little the other night about things that have been bothering us, but we didn’t get to the heart of the issue. Most of our problems come down to the same things: we both have a huge fear of rejection and we both have highly developed defense systems. Put those two together and we get into these cycles which will go on until one of us brings it up. One of us meaning me.

Basically what I’m saying is: I need to go ask him to come into the bedroom on our new red satin sheets (which we have yet to fuck on) and play, touch, tease, flog, and fuck our brains out.