Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: looking forward

A Big Beginning

I will be starting testosterone on Monday.

I have an appointment with my doctor at 3pm on Monday to learn how to inject it properly. This is both exciting and terrifying for me, but the more real it becomes the more I’m really looking forward to it and feeling like it is the right thing to do.

I had my first appointment with this doctor over a year ago, November 2013 to be exact, and that is when we began discussing the possibility of testosterone. I had been talking with my therapist about it before that. At that time I decided to wait until after I was done with Grad School and I had lost some weight for me to start (I was also just generally nervous about some of the side effects and obviously not ready at that time). While I am not done with school, nor have I lost weight (in fact, I’ve gained a bit through this thesis process), I am tired of waiting and it feels important for me to begin now.

I have understood myself to be genderqueer for nearly a decade, though I have been genderqueer for as long as I can remember. Around 2011 I began playing with the identity “femme trans guy,” but I didn’t entirely know what that would entail. I did not think things like testosterone and surgery were available to me, so even with starting to call myself a femme trans guy I didn’t completely know what to do with that information.

Since 2011 I have had times where my gender has come forward, and other times when I was trying so hard to be a femme woman or a femme genderqueer or anything other than what I have slowly come to realize I am. I have denied myself for so long, and it is past time to really embrace all of me. I am a guy, and I am genderqueer, and I am also undeniably femme. My pronouns are they/them/theirs, or any other neutral pronouns (this has been true for ages), though I may want he in the future.

At this point I am far more terrified of the social aspects of transitioning than anything else. The process of coming out and experiencing other people’s transphobia and transphobic microaggressions feels excruciatingly exhausting to me. I tend to be a fairly private person, and this is not something I can be completely private about. I plan on telling people slowly, in my own time, or maybe not at all. We’ll see.

I am also aware that I won’t fully know if testosterone is right for me until I try it, and possibly until I am on it for a while and my body can really feel into it. I have had the T in my possession for a couple of days now, and the more I look at it, touch the little glass vial, feel into what it will be like to take it and if it is right for me, the more it feels comfortable and right. I don’t know if I will be on it forever. I don’t know if I will want surgery in the future (though I do really like my breasts in general, but who knows). I can’t predict the future at this point, all I know is that I will be starting testosterone on Monday.

Stained

I want to open you
to yourself.
Show you the beauty that lies within,
Help you fill the void inside you,
That empty place
that can be full.

I want to crack you open
like a pomegranate,
Taste your bittersweet juices
Until my fingers are
stained with you.

I will lift you up to
the mirror of my soul,
Reflect you back to yourself
So you can see all that you can be.

I will not heal you,
That is your work,
But I will point you to the key
So you can heal yourself.

Explorations in Gender: Busting Out of the Box

On March 24th from 7-10pm I will be teaching my first public workshop. The title of the workshop is the title of this post, and I’m pretty damn excited about this. It’s being put on as part of the Living Love Revolution salon & workshop series run by the same woman as the Aphrodite Temple.

Here is the description:

Explorations in Gender: Busting Out of the Box
A Living Love Revolution Workshop with Scarlet Lotus
Gender isn’t limited to two categories but is a swirling galaxy of expressions and identities that is vast and individualistic, which also means it can be confusing. Join Gender Studies graduate Scarlet Lotus for a night of exploration and learning designed for people of all gender expressions and identities. It doesn’t matter if you have been transgressing gender norms for years or if you are comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth, either way there will be something here for you as long as you are interested in what gender is all about. We will explore new concepts of gender, go over terminology from the basic to the complex, talk about pronouns and how to approach people of non-normative genders, and learn tricks and tips for playing with our own gender in a way that is comfortable for us as individuals. We all have a gender, so why not learn to explore it!

If you are in Seattle and want to come down it is at the Sharma Center. No RSVP needed, but you can contact me for further information. I would love it if you would spread the word about this! Here are the social networking event pages: Facebook Event and FetLife Event.

In 2011

someecards.com - Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution

This and my In the Year… posts are becoming regular turn of the year features. I wrote In 2009 and In 2010 at the very beginning of the last two years and here is my list this year.

These are not resolutions. Like the ecard that I have featured above I do not believe in resolutions because there are too many connotations surrounding them. They’re usually just wishful thinking or short-term ideas that we tell ourselves due to the tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. While resolutions can be genuine things we want to accomplish they often are just the same things we tell ourselves all the time that we want to do but never actually put the energy into doing them. That’s why I don’t make resolutions.

However, there is something to be said about taking the time once a year to reflect on the year that has passed and to look forward to the coming year. The change of the year is as good of a time as any to do this, and so I am.

These are goals, either things I’m currently working on or ones I would like to do and am dedicated to putting some energy toward. By putting them on here part of the idea is that I am now going to be held accountable for them and I will be able to look back a year from now and see if I have accomplished them.

  • Write More – Yes, I said this last year, but it needs repeating. This might just always be a goal of mine every year, but it’s definitely something I want to do. I really want to write more erotica and sexy stuff of that nature. I want to hone my writing skills by making writing a priority again. I have been lost and distracted for the past couple of years and I finally feel like I’m coming back into my own. If possible I want to publish something.
  • Focus My Projects & Get Organized – I need to figure out which of my projects are going to be focuses and which will not. Right now I have quite a few things that I am working on and that I make money through but I need to set a schedule and figure out what I can get rid of. I feel like I have far too many things to do sometimes and that I don’t end up getting them all done because of it. I need to figure out what I’m focusing on, set goals, and get things done. I need to organize my life and my time. It’s so easy for me to get distracted from writing or whatever it is I’m wanting to get accomplished and especially now that I’m working for myself I need to figure that out. I need to learn to prioritize.
  • Figure Out My Sex Work – So far I’ve been really enjoying camming and my sex work persona Scarlet Sophia. I have other ambitions as well and am trying to figure out all my boundaries there. I very much would like to be involved in some ethical queer porn this year and I’m playing with the idea of doing some ProDominant.
  • Spend Dedicated Intimate Time with Onyx – While we see a lot of each other on a regular basis most of our time is spent with us at our respective computers or watching something and I want to change that. Perhaps setting up regular “date” nights where we go out on the town or ones where we specifically stay in. I especially hope to have more dedicated kinky play time as even though our power dynamic is more prominent than ever we mostly engage in casual rough kinky sex rather than anything more elaborate, and sometimes that elaborate stuff is nice.
  • Attend More Classes/Workshops/Conferences – There are so many opportunities to do this here in Seattle and I haven’t taken advantage of them. My internet learnings aren’t enough I need to go out and take classes, meet people, all of that. My further goal is to actually present somewhere but I’m not sure on what topic yet.
  • Network and Put Myself Out There – While I’m getting known somewhat in the occult community here I also really want to get involved in the kink one here as well. I’ve been such a recluse for the last few years and I feel like I need to break out of that. I’m tired of being awkward in social situations and the only way I’m going to learn how to not be is to go out there and do it. Of course, this requires time, so that getting organized idea above might have to happen first.
  • Respond to Emails Faster – I’m seriously horrible at responding to emails. I’m not sure why, but I am. I want to change this, though. I have been slowly teaching myself in the last year or so to respond to emails as soon as possible, to not put it off, to make a draft to reply at very least so I can go back later without forgetting. I will become better at this through 2011 as well.

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