taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, erotic psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Grad School

I’ve mentioned this a few times in previous posts, but I am currently going to Graduate School. I am in the Integrative Studies in Psychology program at Antioch University Seattle studying the Psychology of Sacred Sexuality, or some combination of Pychology, Spirituality, and Sexuality (and probably gender too since I can’t do anything without gender). I don’t know exactly what my thesis will be on at the moment, I have about a year before I *really* have to know what that will be, but it will deal with those three or four topics in some way.

I am really loving this school. I’m near the end of my second quarter and aside from a lot of the shifts it has made to my own lifestyle and the workload being intense1 I am still happy with it and excited about it. I have recently finished a prospective timeline which will have me out of school in March of 2014, so I’ll take two and a half years to go through the program, which is about what is expected2. I’m planning on going for a Ph.D. afterwards, which will probably be in the Fall of 2014 to give myself a little break, but not much of one.

This program is very self-designed. I can do independent study classes and just about anything I would like to around Psychology, Sexuality, and Spirituality. I’m building off the existing Psychology & Spirituality degree (which is awesome), but adding my own twist to it bringing sexuality and gender into the mix. I’m probably going to be focusing on Depth and Transpersonal/Integral Psychology and looking at Sacred Sexuality from a variety of viewpoints.

I’ve already learned so much. That is cliche to say, perhaps, but very true so I don’t care. I love the amount of self-analysis I’m required to do in my classes (I know, shocking, I’m usually not one for self-analysis, right?) and although I’m not always doing as well as I would like to as far as keeping up with everything I’m still getting a lot out of it.

So, obviously my posting has been erratic in the last year or so. I have shifted a lot of my goals and aspirations for life in some ways and not in others and I have been processing events and feelings much more verbally these days than through writing as I used to. I think it’s a testament to how awesome my relationship with Onyx is at this point, we talk about anything and everything and rarely are able to hold on to something for very long if it is bugging us. I don’t feel the need to explain things on here before bringing issues to him, and there are far less issues than we used to have back in the day (though now the biggest issue for us is time, of course).

The drifting away I’ve done from this blog isn’t only because of what I wrote above. I start so many drafts it’s not even funny, but I have a difficult time finishing them and getting them actually posted. This is mostly because I keep telling myself that I can’t blog until I do this, that, or the other thing for school, and yet I then turn around and don’t get all my school work done. Sigh. I have plans, though, and I hope to achieve them some day.

  1. though no more than any other grad school, no doubt []
  2. you could technically do it in two if you really wanted to rush it–I don’t []
01.02

2011

In 2011

someecards.com - Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution

This and my In the Year… posts are becoming regular turn of the year features. I wrote In 2009 and In 2010 at the very beginning of the last two years and here is my list this year.

These are not resolutions. Like the ecard that I have featured above I do not believe in resolutions because there are too many connotations surrounding them. They’re usually just wishful thinking or short-term ideas that we tell ourselves due to the tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. While resolutions can be genuine things we want to accomplish they often are just the same things we tell ourselves all the time that we want to do but never actually put the energy into doing them. That’s why I don’t make resolutions.

However, there is something to be said about taking the time once a year to reflect on the year that has passed and to look forward to the coming year. The change of the year is as good of a time as any to do this, and so I am.

These are goals, either things I’m currently working on or ones I would like to do and am dedicated to putting some energy toward. By putting them on here part of the idea is that I am now going to be held accountable for them and I will be able to look back a year from now and see if I have accomplished them.

  • Write More – Yes, I said this last year, but it needs repeating. This might just always be a goal of mine every year, but it’s definitely something I want to do. I really want to write more erotica and sexy stuff of that nature. I want to hone my writing skills by making writing a priority again. I have been lost and distracted for the past couple of years and I finally feel like I’m coming back into my own. If possible I want to publish something.
  • Focus My Projects & Get Organized – I need to figure out which of my projects are going to be focuses and which will not. Right now I have quite a few things that I am working on and that I make money through but I need to set a schedule and figure out what I can get rid of. I feel like I have far too many things to do sometimes and that I don’t end up getting them all done because of it. I need to figure out what I’m focusing on, set goals, and get things done. I need to organize my life and my time. It’s so easy for me to get distracted from writing or whatever it is I’m wanting to get accomplished and especially now that I’m working for myself I need to figure that out. I need to learn to prioritize.
  • Figure Out My Sex Work – So far I’ve been really enjoying camming and my sex work persona Scarlet Sophia. I have other ambitions as well and am trying to figure out all my boundaries there. I very much would like to be involved in some ethical queer porn this year and I’m playing with the idea of doing some ProDominant.
  • Spend Dedicated Intimate Time with Onyx – While we see a lot of each other on a regular basis most of our time is spent with us at our respective computers or watching something and I want to change that. Perhaps setting up regular “date” nights where we go out on the town or ones where we specifically stay in. I especially hope to have more dedicated kinky play time as even though our power dynamic is more prominent than ever we mostly engage in casual rough kinky sex rather than anything more elaborate, and sometimes that elaborate stuff is nice.
  • Attend More Classes/Workshops/Conferences – There are so many opportunities to do this here in Seattle and I haven’t taken advantage of them. My internet learnings aren’t enough I need to go out and take classes, meet people, all of that. My further goal is to actually present somewhere but I’m not sure on what topic yet.
  • Network and Put Myself Out There – While I’m getting known somewhat in the occult community here I also really want to get involved in the kink one here as well. I’ve been such a recluse for the last few years and I feel like I need to break out of that. I’m tired of being awkward in social situations and the only way I’m going to learn how to not be is to go out there and do it. Of course, this requires time, so that getting organized idea above might have to happen first.
  • Respond to Emails Faster – I’m seriously horrible at responding to emails. I’m not sure why, but I am. I want to change this, though. I have been slowly teaching myself in the last year or so to respond to emails as soon as possible, to not put it off, to make a draft to reply at very least so I can go back later without forgetting. I will become better at this through 2011 as well.
01.01

2011

In the Year 2010

someecards.com - Let's resolve to repeat last year's mistakes

At the end of 2008 and 2009 I made posts exactly like this one, a “best of” post, if you will. Basically a highlight of the important things that happened in the year previous, which will be followed by a post of the things I hope to happen in the year to come.

While I didn’t achieve all the goals I set for 20101 I did achieve quite a few of them. I didn’t get either of the licenses I mentioned last year, both of which I would still like to get, actually, but I did find a partner (albeit an ex at the time), write more, comment more, figure out my job situation, work on getting out of debt (not there yet), and I was definitely more active. Pretty good, if you ask me. So here are some of the highlights of the year.

In 2010 (kind-of sort-of in chronological order)…

More? Of course there’s more. That short bullet-point list doesn’t account for everything I did in 2010, but it’s definitely a start. I didn’t mention my sex toy review site Wanton Lotus Reviews or my sex toy review round-up project Pleasurists which celebrated 100 issues. I didn’t talk about all the times that Onyx and I had sex or exchanged words of love. My posts for this past year haven’t even captured everything I have written about, this year was more about going out and doing.

I’m excited for the next year to come. I think it will be amazing.

  1. I do not like to call these resolutions but rather goals, expectations, and hopes for the next year. Resolutions have too many connotations associated with them. []

The Big Question

Found here, it’s actually a shirt (and I bought one)

That is, What Am I Doing With My Life?

Oh, yes, that question.

My last protected post (leave a comment here to get the password) was all about my unsuredness regarding going back to school in the fall for theatre at Cornish here in Seattle. I discovered that because I already have an undergrad education I would not be eligible for financial aid at Cornish and since a year there is ridiculously expensive1 there was no way I could go there. They do not have graduate degrees.

So, I’ve been wandering around somewhat aimless for the last month and a half, applying for jobs, looking into places to volunteer, but ultimately without a greater goal in mind like I had with going to Cornish or, before that, getting my Body Piercing License. I need a goal to work toward. I need a five-year plan. This is how it’s always been and, I think, why the last two years since I graduated (it’s really been two years hasn’t it? Damn.) have been so weird and aimless.

I tried to fill that void with a new relationship, threw myself in to that with abandon and although it didn’t work out I learned a lot in the process. I have been applying for jobs like crazy but am in that fun limbo of overqualified to jobs I have experience in because of my degrees and inexperienced in jobs my degrees may qualify me for. It, in a word, sucks.

Being in this strange limbo and without knowing people here in Seattle who would be able to help find me a job I have been defaulting to making money however I can. I should mention, while I was in Juneau I was working part time and offered a full time position as well. While I don’t regret leaving as being with Onyx trumps everything else I do wish I had the same opportunities here that I did there.

I would still love to get my BP License or do theatre, I have strong interests in both, but they’re less of an option right at this moment as I don’t know a reputible piercer here in Seattle and a relationship like that takes time to develop and the grad theatre programs around here are already full-up this Fall. I like these careers in theory more than in practice, though, I think, because I can still do both of them on an amature level (I love play piercing, and I’m hoping to volunteer with GreenStage here in the summer). So, this brings us back around to the original question.

Oh yes, that question.

How am I supposed to answer this? I read an article about the 20something (white middle-class) youth of today viewing career as not just something you do for a paycheck, viewing it as a core part of self-expression, and I instantly related. I see my time as valuable and think if I’m not doing something I love than I shouldn’t be doing it. This is definitely a position of privilidge, and that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t jump at the chance to work at a coffee shop tomorrow for minimum wage so I was making some money although I know that is unlikely to happen (though, luckily, I do feel like I’m contributing something to our income since I’ve started selling ads on my websites).

What I have a passion for, though, is sex education. More broadly I have a passion for teaching. I don’t want to teach in a school, though, too much politics and I’m not all that big on kids. I love the idea of sharing knowledge and helping others learn and grow. I said a few years ago that my ideal work situation would be to do workshops and classes, travel all over to do so, go to conferences, etc. Presenting in front of an audience is kind of like doing theatre work. I feel mildly awkward with this desire as my sister is currently doing the same thing in similar/the same field.

At Sex 2.0 this weekend, though, there was a lot of talk about sex educators and the need for them as well as some specific advice I needed to hear2. The weekend previously Onyx and I went to an astrology workshop which had already sparked some ideas into my head. Those two experiences combined with various other ideas has made me come to the conclusion that I need to stop talking about it and start doing it. If I want to teach workshops and classes I need to write up an outline for a class, find somewhere to do it, and do it! What have I been waiting for?

I guess I’ve been waiting for something to inspire me, something to point me in the right direction, even though I had the initial direction down all along I just didn’t know how to do it, or the timing wasn’t right, or something. I also have a deep interest in astrology and have taken many classes on the subject. I also have the great opportunity to go to the Northwest Astrology Conference (NORWAC) this weekend here in Seattle, so I’m hoping to gain lots of information there.

I have some ideas on how to go forward with this. I am also interested in learning hypnosis, there are a number of interesting schools to get certified in that. There are also a number of astrological certification programs, not many that are accredited anymore (RIP Kepler College), but lots of options there as well. All of these things seem to go right along with my degrees as well, funny how that happens.

On the other side of things, I started working on a professional portfolio-type site, I’m writing up ideas for classes and workshops I would be interested in and able to teach3 and once the ideas are done I will start working on outlines. I want to start presenting in the next few months, maybe start doing some free introductory audio classes and then some paid ones, maybe start doing teleconferencing lectures which could then be archived and downloaded (an idea from Sex 2.0). I could also doing personal sexuality coaching, one-on-one emailing/chatting/phone conversations answering sexuality related questions for a small fee.

I have lots of different ideas and interests brewing inside me, including a class/lecture on Sex-Positive Astrology or maybe just Sexy Astrology, combining both sides of these money-making ideas into one.

I want to be an educator, to teach topics that are interesting, to help expand people’s minds and knowledge base on a wide variety of topics. I feel like I have knowledge enough to do this on a basic level plus I am open to learning more each and every day.

Honestly, it is scary for me to express this desire, to admit to these plans I have in my head. The other ideas I had were comfortable, becoming a body piercer or going back to school for theatre, there wasn’t much personal risk involved. Just the idea of announcing this publicly on my blog scares the shit out of me4, and that’s one of the many reasons I know it’s right.

[EDIT: I just wanted to add, I know it won't be easy and I know it will be a lot of work, and I don't expect it to happen immediately either. This is my five-year (or longer) plan. This is just the start of the process, the beginning spark of deciding What I Want To Do, marking it out, going for it, and starting to think about how I can make this happen. I'm ready.]

  1. read: $27,000 []
  2. “How do you get into sex education? You just teach a workshop!” []
  3. and apparently I think that every class/workshop should have a title with a subtitle. It has to be something like “Oh My G: Getting to know the G-spot & Female Ejaculation” gotta have that colon in there! []
  4. I was going to have this password protected, but it’s more of a risk to do this publically, maybe you will hold me accountable to my own hopes and dreams if nothing else []
01.06

2010

In 2010…

I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2010, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP

Of the things I said I wanted to do in 2009 I didn’t do too badly, actually. Some of these things are the same, and some are different.

Get my body piercing license! – My biggest goal, which I hope I will be able to do in a year, but that will depend on when we can get the apprenticeship going and everything. I’ve been accepted, it will happen, but I have to wait until my teacher has the time to teach me and we have paperwork to figure out and all that good stuff. I hope to be done with my 1000 hours required to get the license by the end of the year, but we’ll see.

Get my driver’s license. – While we’re on the subject of licenses, this would also be a good one to get. It was part of my list of things I wanted to do in 2009 too and something I did not end up doing. Being here in Juneau, however, with access to cars may make this goal a little more attainable this year.

Write more. – The last half of 2009 wasn’t filled with as much writing as I think it should have been. Having time to myself up in Juneau is going to help with this, I think. This also means focusing more on this blog, maybe implementing another posting structure like I did a long while back where each day I have a topic I focus on posting about.

Comment more. – Commenting on other people’s posts is something I always mean to do but don’t always do. I know how much I love comments, even if they are just a few words or a couple sentences, so I like to spread the love around, but I don’t always have the time.

Figure out my job situation. – I would love to get a job with an online sex toy retailer which I could do from here while I pursue my apprenticeship and figure out my life. However, I know this is probably unrealistic, so I need to figure out what I can do in Juneau.

Get out of debt. – Or at very least reduce the amount of debt I have. Getting a job will greatly help with this, as will living with my Dad and not paying rent. School loans are the big thing here, unfortunately, but not the only.

Be more active. – This last year was not one of great activity, quite the contrary, and already in the last month since I’ve been here I’ve been out more and doing more things, or at least it feels that way. I want to be more active in general, socially as well as physically. I also want to get healthier, start going to the gym again, do more yoga, establish a routine, and lose weight. I’ll never be skinny, and I don’t want to be, but there’s healthy fat and unhealthy fat for my body and I’m in the latter phase right now.

Find a partner. – Specifically a female one, preferably here in Juneau, but I know that’s asking a lot. Who knows, though, it could happen.

And, last but not least…

Continue to learn and grow. – I think it’s nearly impossible not to do this one every year, but it’s something I am making a goal every year as I want to be consciously aware of it and work on it, not just have it happen to me.

Leave Your Life-Stock Alone*

Fall seems to be the time for starting new projects–there have been A LOT of blogiversaries in the last month plus–and generally of taking stock of one’s life. Perhaps this is because we are coming inside from the crazyness that is summer and all the fun that goes along with that and need to focus on other more personal things like blogs and self.

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, I do not take pleasure in it the way I used to and I have less time to write even though I have plenty to say but at the same time I have nothing at all to say. I’m often worried that something I write in here will be taken badly by one or both of my partners and so I have become cautious and self-editing to the point of nondisclosure.

None of us are happy in this situation, but we don’t have the means to change it, and we don’t know what to do about that. We all feel stuck, on edge, like everything is threatening to break at every given moment and it’s all we can do to keep it from doing so. Or maybe that’s just me. We love and are loved but it is guarded love and it comes with promises and expectations. This situation is killing me and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I love them both so very much, but everything is so discombobulated and strange that I’m not sure what that really means.

I need to get over my fears, however, and figure out what I need and what I am thinking, and that’s where this blog comes in. I’ve come a long way from when I started this, I’ve changed a lot, found new words to mark my changes and used words to help myself remember the experiences along the way. I have written posts similar to this before, my realization of needing a space to chronicle out my thoughts and fears and dedicating myself to doing so, and every time I mean it.

I’m working on figuring out some new features or series’ for this blog and for Wanton Lotus. I am wondering about my choice to split the two of them up, wondering if they would have been better left together, and wondering if I am still writing for the reasons I want to write about. I haven’t been, but I intend to change that.

I started this blog as a place of release, somewhere I could express everything and anything going on in my life for the sake of getting it out of my head. It’s not written for an audience, though I do enjoy the fact that some people find my life/words/writing/whatever interesting but that has never been my focus. I want it to be interesting to read, yes, and I do not want to use it as a out-and-out journal, I want it to be a guide on my way to self-expression and a better writing quality.

Again, I think I’ve said all this before, but I feel the need to repeat it. I am going to set goals for myself again, focus on writing exercises, and focus on certain aspects I am desiring to write more about and delve more deeply in to. Gender and polyamory are two main focuses of my life at the moment and I’m going to start there. Sex and smut are also key factors, and I want to start writing more erotica from all sorts of points of views.

I haven’t really been sharing as much of my personal sex life as I have previously or as I would like to be because of my partners and the situation we are all in, but some day I would like to get back to that. I enjoy writing about experiences that have taken place and I hope to be able to do that again soon. I’m making it a goal to become more involved with the community here, which I really haven’t done, and hopefully that will lead to more interesting stories.

I also have many thoughts about revamping my other main site, Wanton Lotus. I just need to actually sit down and finish some of these things that I have in the works and the ideas I have. The same goes for Pleasurists for that matter, I want to focus on creating more of a community resource, but that is a whole other post.

*A line from Grosse Point Blank, maybe not the perfect title, but it’s always what I think of when I think of taking stock of life.

01.04

2009

In 2009…

Like many others, I’m not a big fan of resolutions. Instead I prefer to set goals that may actually be attainable, or ones that aren’t just to see if I can do them. So…

In 2009 I want to:

Move to Seattle! – We’re 99.9% sure it will happen the weekend of the 16th of January, probably heading out of here the morning of the 17th.

Comment more. – There are so many wonderful blogs out there that I read, and many more that I’m sure I don’t, and I don’t comment most of the time, even sometimes if I feel like it. I know I love it when I get comments, so I want to spread the love around! I just need to start doing it.

Write more smut. – Something I keep telling myself I’m going to do, but end up failing at it. I’m not very secure in my smut-writing abilities, and to get better at it I really need to write more of it. Plus, you all seem to like it when I do.

Get a job (that I enjoy). – Somewhat self-explanatory. I’ve been out of work for five months now, and while it’s been kind of enjoyable (but also stressful to not have a job) I need to get one, and I think it’ll be easier to get one in Seattle. Looking at sex shops there but unsure if they’re hiring, also just about anywhere, there are lots more opportunities there.

Get healthier. – I was doing really well with going to the gym for a while there in 2008 after coming back from Juneau, but I’ve lapsed a bit on it. The apartment we’re (probably) moving in to has both a gym and a pool in the complex, so I’ll have no excuses not to work out. I’m not as focused on weight-loss as I am general health and wellbeing, feeling better and moving better, but I’m also not opposed to losing weight should that also occur.

Take more photographs. – My 365 portraits project will help with that, though I really want to take photos of others as well. I really enjoy portraits and pin-up type photos of others and want to do more of that in this year.

Figure out grad school. – Meaning, figure out what I want to get in Seattle before going to IASHS in San Fran. We’ll end up being in Seattle for a few years before going down there, and I think I want to get a Masters from UW but I’m not sure in what. Possibly creative writing. Maybe something else.

Do something sexual I’ve never done before. – Multiple partners, perhaps. Or a number of other things. Sex in public, maybe. I’m not sure. Something sexy that I haven’t done. I should make a list of things I haven’t done that I want to do too.

Get my drivers license. – I know, it’s crazy. I don’t have a license to drive and I never have. It’s just never happened, and although I’ve needed one it’s never been the right time. Plus, if I got one in Oregon or Utah it would disqualify me for the PFD from Alaska, so I never got one in the last four plus years living outside of Alaska because of that. I will get one in Washington.

Continue to learn and grow. – I think it’s nearly impossible not to do this one, really, but it’s something I want to highlight every year.

resohealthysec

In the Year 2008

2008someecards

Yes, yes, a yearly review post is a little cliche, but it’s also nice for me to think about what has happened over the past year, and maybe nice for you to read about it and recall some of the things that made up my year. Some things feel like they were years ago, when they were really just a few months. It’s funny how perception of time is such a fluctuating thing.

In 2008…

I’m sure there was more that happened in 2008, those are just the highlights, but it was a good year. I may add more later if I think of other things.

2009 is going to be a great one as well. T-two weeks until we move to Seattle!