lotusWelcome! I’m Tai Quyn Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a educator, artist, occultist, harlot, and gentlefemme about town. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I currently identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, queer theory, depth psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Fallen into Place

Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.

11.19

2008

An Oral Confession

I have a confession to make. I may have mentioned this before on here, but I don’t think I have, at least I couldn’t find anything under the oral tag. I’m really not a big fan of receiving oral sex. To some this might sound crazy, though I do know that there are others of us out there who just don’t dig it as much as we’re supposedly supposed to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my partner pay attention to my cunt and work it and all of that good stuff, but I’m just not too down with the tongue specifically. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it when it happens, because I do, it’s just not high on my list of preferences. I much prefer fingers and toys to a tongue, and in thinking about it I think I know why.

I began pondering my oral sex preferences a couple nights ago when Onyx decided to go down on me. This is a very rare occurrence in our sex lives since we’ve had discussions regarding my lack of desire for oral sex, and since I don’t really care for it Onyx doesn’t tend to do it. It was a nice experience that was a bit of a change to our usual interactions, and I did enjoy it quite a bit though I wasn’t expecting it.

My clit has been very sensitive lately, often too sensitive for him to touch at times, which makes him manually getting me off rather difficult. When that happens we usually opt for a toy or for me to rub my own clit, because something about knowing where and how the finger is going to move makes it less of a shock to the sensitive clit, I think.

I was having one of those overly sensitive moments and he decided to bring some tongue action into the mix. Since I was oversensitive I did appreciate the lighter touch of the tongue vs. the fingers, but it made me realize why I don’t particularly like oral: I need pressure in order to get off, specifically pressure on my clit, and it’s hard to get as much pressure as I need from a tongue. This is why I love fingers and why I do often press so hard with vibrators that I get the horrible vibrator claw-hand which makes my hand stiffen.

I really did enjoy having his tongue on my clit, alternating with fingers as well. It felt very good but it’s still not high on my list of sexual desires. Having it every so often so that it’s a different, exciting, and enjoyable experience is just perfect for me.

Now, receiving oral on my cock… that’s a different story.

Queering Onyx

Another issue with our relationship that I was having recently is that it was getting more and more… straight, for lack of a better term. I know that there are ways for males and females to interact sexually and romantically that are outside of the heterosexual relationship model and sexuality. I have come to realize something I’ve always known but never quite had the ability to put into words before: regardless of the relationship I want a queer connection. It’s something that has come clear to me through reading The Leather Daddy and the Femme and also PoMoSexuals, which both talk extensively about queer relationships between male and female partners. While neither of us are straight I’m more in touch with my queerness than he is.

One of my goals lately has been to open him up to that queer side more and more, to help him embrace it, which we’ve talked about quite a lot and he is open to. He’s identified as heteroflexible or somewhat-bi or things like that for most of the time I’ve known him, and I’ve also known him to suck cock (not just mine, flesh-made ones as well) and have affection and desire for men.

I’ve always maintained that he is far more queer than he will often admit to, partly because I’m not attracted to men who aren’t queer, there has always had to be something queer about them in order for me to get interested and while that doesn’t always mean queer attraction, I know that he is attracted to men, and has more than just a casual desire. He has come to agree with me a bit more, and we have talked about potential additions to our poly family which have included (queer) males.

Recently we read The Leather Daddy and the Femme together, taking turns reading it to each other chapter by chapter. I think that helped him recognize and embrace more of his queer desires, which was part of my reason for wanting to read it together. Not to mention it’s hot and I knew he would love it. I know he has issues with the idea of queerness, we all have internalized homophobia and he is no exception.

It’s difficult to embrace something, too, that will disprivilege you, especially when you have the ability to not embrace it. What I mean by that is: it’s easy not to embrace queerness when you have what society would consider “normal” heterosexual desires, because the queerness can be abandoned if you choose to let it be, not that it’s easy to do that for all of us, but it may be easier to ignore the queerness than it is to embrace that which would disprivilege.

I’ve been trying to open him up further to his queer side by opening him up to mine and sharing my own desires. Also I’ve been trying to bring his awareness back to his desire to get fucked in the ass and suck cock and such, something I’m more confident doing now that we’ve started switching (something I’ll be telling you more about soon). As I mentioned above, we’ve talked about adding a third or others to our relationship, he suggested a transgirl or feminine male we could play with.

I feel like Georgia Strong helping Demetrius discover his gay/bisexual/queer desires, reminding him that there are multiple ways to have queer sex and that heterosexuals can have queer sex too. Teaching all the things he’s always wanted but wasn’t sure how to get. I’m sure I’ll update more on this issue as it comes.

09.09

2008

Musings on Masculinity

Ellie Lumpesse has been posting a series of interviews with men about masculinity all of which are absolutely fantastic, and I highly encourage you all to check them out. A little from her on her interviews: “So the other day I was thinking about masculinity. And then I realized I should probably think about it in conjunction with men. So, I asked a few guys to answer some very difficult questions about their relationships with masculinity. I’m amazed by the response so far and I hope that a dialogue will begin.”

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

Growing up I don’t recall much of a focus on what masculinity was per se. I was raised by a single mother and largely raised by my two grandmothers; in fact I never even met my father until I was 7. Also I grew up in Norway which means a slightly different culture than in the US, though the ideas of Masculinity and Femininity are similar enough, if perhaps somewhat less extreme.

My first real experience with a Father Figure was when my mother got married to another man, a man I hated with a fiery vengeance. He also had a son who was 4 years older than me and we disliked each other even more. Growing up I had never been in to a lot of “proper” masculine activities, I hated sports and while other boys would love to play soccer or go skiing I would prefer staying home reading a book.

This didn’t fly with my step father, he had rather traditional ideas of what boys should be into and so he set out to “make a man of me”. Of course, even back then I had a rather stubborn and surprisingly well-developed anti-authoritan streak and I fought back against pretty hard. Luckily it didn’t last long as he and my mother had problems that resulted in a short marriage.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Yes and no. I like to think that I’ve embraced some of the better aspects of masculinity while rejecting the aspects I consider useless or counterproductive. My “embrace” of my masculine side began in High-school where I went through a large shift in personality, seeking to become more assertive, more confident and more in charge of my life. But with my typical contrariness I put my own spin on it and refused to easily fit with a masculine stereotype. Where other boys were still enamored by sports and physical prowess, I focused on mental prowess and poured my energy into becoming some sort of Intellectual Alpha-Male. The advent of the internet made this even easier and I adopted an online persona where I felt I explored a more aggressive masculine persona. I found it easier to be what I had been taught a Man should be online where I could play to my strengths than in real life where I still found the typical male bravado and chest-thumping to be rather distasteful.

Eventually as I got more comfortable with my masculine sides they also began to mellow and I began to feel more like moving outside the limitations they in some ways imposed on me. I feel less of a need to prove my masculinity, but more of a need to really explore it beyond what I had been taught about it, to find a masculinity that’s my own instead of that imposed by culture and society. I am still going through this process and am probably going to be doing so for the rest of my life. In fact the whole question of masculinity becomes just a part of a larger context of self-realization where simple labels increasingly fail to convey any real meaning about who I am and the ideas, thoughts, opinions and desires that I’m composed of. Masculinity fits, better than some other labels, but my Masculinity is to me unique, in some ways more forceful, in some ways more compromising than what others expect. It is in some ways subversive while in others it is almost frighteningly conformist.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

For me my Masculinity in many ways ties in with my Dominant preferences. I don’t consider myself strictly heterosexual, but I’m primarily attracted to Biological females who are “feminine”, and I tend to present my Masculine side to others. Occasionally though, I feel a need to move completely out of that framework, to be the one not in charge, the one being fucked instead of the one doing the fucking, the one who surrenders control, while at the same time I have a very hard time doing so, and even talking about it or acknowledging it becomes very challenging. My appearance, mannerism and demeanor are thus almost universally “masculine” often in an almost exaggerated manner, especially around strangers or people I don’t know too well. In some ways this might be a defense mechanism, an easy way to keep others from really learning about me, from really getting to know me. Opening up and being vulnerable is something that I’ve always had a hard time with and even with my current partner who I feel closer to than anyone my whole life it still takes enormous effort on her part for me to really open up and show my vulnerable sides. The only consolation here is that it’s gradually getting a little bit easier.

Now this is not to say that I feel bad about my expressions of Masculinity, I definitely feel they are an important and cherished part of me, but I also feel a need to move beyond them and no longer be restricted by the limitations I feel they impose on me.

07.30

2008

A Wicked Tease

Master and I were lying in bed last night and I remarked that he had forgotten to turn off the light in the “office,” the door of which is next to ours in the corner of the small hallway in an L configuration ( | = our bedroom door _ = the office door). Since our door was open, light was coming in, and we like it to be pretty dark when we sleep.

He grumbled a bit, told me to do it, I teasingly refused, and he got up to turn it off. I told him I would have turned it off, but on his way back to the other side of the bed (his side is the side opposite from the door) he straddled my legs to softly grind his cock against my ass before lying back down. He then mentioned that if he hadn’t gotten up he wouldn’t have been able to tease me.

Two can play at that game, I thought, so I leaned over and down and licked at his cockhead before taking it into my mouth. I didn’t want to just briefly tease for a second, I wanted to get him hard and then move away and stop. I figured that would get him to fuck me, at least my mouth if not somewhere else. I bobbed my head a few times until I could feel him harden and tried to pull my head away.

While I was focused on teasing he had moved his hand behind my head, not so it was touching, but so that if I pulled away as I did his hand would catch me and not let me back up. My hair was in a bun, so he easily grabbed hold of that and dug his fingers into the hair around it, pulling at my hair whenever I tried to get away. It was deliciously painful, and because of it I decided to clench my teeth together so that he could not get his cock back in my mouth.

We struggled like that for quite some time. He pushed my mouth against his cock, he slapped my face with his cock, he grabbed and tugged at my hair and asked if I would be a “good girl” to which I frequently shook my head or replied with a “no.” He growled and pulled my hair more, making me whimper and cry out with the pain, twisting the bun so that it tugged at what felt like every strand.

He began to stroke his cock in front of me, and I could no longer resist the temptation of the now extremely hard shaft. I stuck my tongue out and wiggled it against the cockhead while he stroked, then took it into my mouth when he let me. His hand still gripping my bun as he began to fuck my face, or, more accurately, he began to forcefully stroke his cock with my mouth, tugging my head up and down by my hair.

It didn’t take long until he was groaning, grunting, and shooting his come into my mouth. I swallowed it like the good little cunt I am, and proceeded to lick and suck at it for a few moments longer, to make sure I had gotten every last drop.

We don’t often play with my cunt side, but it has been coming out more lately. It’s always delicious when it does. Master loves forcing me, and I love being forced, so it’s really a win-win. In an odd way it is also a way for my Domina side to (somewhat) come out during play with Master, as I can have somewhat more control over the situation, but end up being overpowered by him… but this is something to get into for another post.

Afterward he told me that I should know that I would not be able to tease him like he can tease me. Of course I knew that, but pretending is much more fun than just giving in to that fact.

07.04

2008

Recognition of a Switch

I recently changed my role on FetLife to switch. In some ways this is a minor change, I’ve called myself a “cuntpet who Tops on occasion” for quite a while, but these desires are moving from occasional to more frequent.

As Master said when I mentioned that I was thinking about embracing this new identity: now that I have a better idea of my submissive side it’s time to delve into another aspect of myself. He said it half-jokingly, but I know in some ways he’s right. My way of delving into myself is much like my way of delving into relationships: one thing must be solid before I can move on to the next. He didn’t seem surprised when I mentioned it to him, and I have a feeling many of you won’t be either.

Now that I’ve had some major changes in how I express my submissive side, and have a more solid mental base for our relationship I am able to explore that other side of myself, the Top side, the (dare I say it?) Domme side. I’ve never suppressed or denied this aspect of myself exactly, I was just focused on another aspect at the time. I’ve been told by many friends whenever I “came out” as kinky that they expected me to inhabit a dominant role, and I’ve been told by a few friends that they thought I have more Domme in me than I would admit to.

Well, that was true. I’ve struggled with my Top side for many reasons, but especially because it would come poking out when Master and I were having troubles, at least I think that’s what it was. I would get so frustrated that I would try to Top him into dominating me and, really, it didn’t work out that well. Topping from the bottom, yes, but not because I’m not also a bottom but because I wasn’t getting what I needed.

That’s all changed, of course, but I do find myself craving more. Not just a woman, though I’ve been craving that for quite some time, but another partner to play with, to explore this other side of myself. I would not want to switch with Master. I can’t see myself Topping him, nor do I want to Top him. I can’t see myself switching with one person, perhaps because my desire and love of power exchange is that it is constant and stable, not changing, but consistent. This isn’t to say that those who do switch with one partner are bad or doing it wrong or not stable or not consistent. Heavens no! I’m just saying that, for me, that’s how I view it.

Perhaps it has to do with the level of power exchange which I desire, though I’m not sure on that. I know that if I was to take on a sub it would have to be casual at first, but I would end up wanting a rather high level of control in the end. Remember, I’m a control freak, and basically want all or nothing. There would have to be some negotiating and figuring out how me having someone would work into Master’s and my relationship, but I can definitely see myself owning someone at some point in time. This is something I’ve thought a lot about, actually, although it’s jumping the gun quite a bit at this point.

I also think “switch” has a lot of the same (negative) connotations that “bisexual” does, such as fence-sitting, not committing, unsure of what they want, not able to commit to anything long-term, really one way and pretending to be the other, things like that. This is part of the reason why I have chosen to start embracing the term.

Switches are misunderstood in many ways as well, I think. Hell, I’ve had many misconceptions and misinterpretations of what switch means, but only before I started training myself to not view labels as fixed identities but as helpful hints to one of many aspects of a person (though I don’t achieve this all the time, I’m working on it).

I may have to change the subtitle to add “and Top” at the end of it. Maybe after I get more settled into this new identity. I need to try it on in a very real way first, not just in my head.

06.28

2008

Impromptu Ravishment Play

Please note: this post will contain talk of ravishment/rape play and is not meant to be a trigger for anyone who may have suffered from sexual assault. This post or participation in this activity does not condone any sort of non-consensual sexual activity.

As Tart said, “Do I want actual rape? Good lord no!” And I completely agree. I can’t express my feelings of horror when I think that people actually think it is acceptable to have sex with someone completely against their will, and yet I find consensual play incredibly arousing. Playing with vulnerability and putting myself in seemingly vulnerable situations is one of the strongest lures I have to BDSM in general, and is my pull to rape play.

There is something powerful in consensually giving oneself to another, something I’ve talked about numerous times before. Willfully putting oneself in the power of another to create the illusion of helplessness while still having some measure of control is all power play is about. Rape play is another form of power play, obviously, as most rape is about power, not about sex. Being able to pretend to struggle, to be “overpowered” and “forced” into submission is something which appeals to my force fetish and allows an outlet for my strong-willed and stubborn nature while also being in the context of Master’s and my relationship.

As said before: do I want to be raped? Do I want to be taken against my will? Of course not! I would even say: hell no! However, rape play is about the blending of one person’s will to struggle and be overpowered and the other’s will to overpower. It’s about mutual fantasies being fulfilled, and fully consensual and safe, even if it may not always completely feel like it in the moment.

That said, on to the scenario.

Master and I were lying in bed, talking, teasing each other. He moved on top of me and grabbed my wrists as he often does, I struggled a little more than usual, and he became more forceful. As he became more forceful I began to struggle even more, saying “no” and “stop” and trying (not too hard) to get out of his grasp. He told me what he was going to do to me, he slid a finger inside me and told me how wet I was, that I wanted it, and I disagreed.

He began fucking me hard, wonderfully, and he continued teasing me about my desire, which I constantly refused to admit until he slowed down and then took his cock out of me. I whimpered and refused to admit it for a few moments before giving in, furthering the scenario by admitting to be a horny slut, begging to be fucked, begging to be used, begging for his cum.

The few force scenes that we’ve done have ended that way. It’s a long-time fantasy of mine, being discovered as a slut, being called out on it even if I’m pretending to resist. It is something Master loves as well, he’s the one who always turns it to that aspect of it. “Non-consent” erotic stories (or, consensual non-consent scenarios) were what lead me to BDSM in the first place.

These are desires that, when I look into the origin of them, don’t make much logical sense. But, then, what desires really do? The desire to be out of control for me (a control freak) is a big mixture of scary, exciting, and arousing. The same can be said for vulnerability. One of the nice things about rape play is that it allows me to be scared in a way that regular play does not. I can work with feeling scared and vulnerable in a space where I can let those emotions out while still knowing that I am safe and cared for (despite the appearance of otherwise from an unknowing outside observer).

06.19

2008

The Perfect Cure for Grumpyness

The other day I was in a kind of grumpy place, I have been a few days this week, actually, and I’m not completely sure why. Though when I get grumpy, I often get needy. Not that regular kind of emotionally needy, or just regularly physically needy, but a deep desire to be dominated like I’ve written about before. I’m not always sure what triggers this. Sometimes it’s a bad day, sometimes it’s just lack of getting it, a lapse in regular play, and sometimes my paranoid and overanalyzing nature gets the better of my mood.

I hadn’t been tied up for quite some time. I was working on my computer, lying naked on my stomach on the bed with my laptop in front of me, and Master came in to straddle me from behind, he ground his cock into me and we exchanged a few teasing words.

Though I was wearing a robe, and he had on his pants, I could feel the semi-hardness of him grinding against my ass. I asked him if he was going to fuck me, and he told me that he was going to tease me for a while first. I asked him if he would tie me up when he did it.

Later he came back into the room, this time I was naked as it had been hot and the fan I had going wasn’t quite enough to cool me down. He started playing with me teasingly, straddled me again and grabbed at my wrists, holding them behind my back so that he could wind the bondage tape around them.

From there I was helpless. I fake-struggled for a bit, testing my bonds, as he slid his fingers into me, testing me, preparing me for him. He fucked me, while slapping my ass, grabbing my hair, using my bound wrists to pull me back onto him, doing all the little things which drive me wild.

The entirety and details of the experience are more of a blur than anything. Being bound and fucked is something which will put me in an almost immediate state of submission, taking me down into my fantasies.

I think it is the automatic feeling of helplessness which does it, an automatic overpowering that I can feel in every bit of me. The feeling can manifest through physical or mental bondage, and simply from hands pinning me down or grasping my wrists.

There is also something about it which makes me feel cherished and loved. I’m not quite sure what it is that gives me that sensation. It was the perfect cure for my grumpy feelings.

06.06

2008

Transformation at a Good Pace

Three nights ago (Monday) was the first night we implemented the new way of greeting. I am to have dinner ready, be freshly showered, and be waiting, kneeling and naked, with my collar offered to him, when he gets home from work. He works late and doesn’t get home until a little after 10pm, so I have a bit of time usually after I get home to relax, get other things done, and then make dinner and shower and get ready for his arrival. It’s been really amazing to have that more dedicated and ritualistic presentation to him when he first comes home, offering myself at his cuntpet, getting into that mindset right away.

He’s also implemented a few other things, such as asking to use the furniture, and we have been calling each other by our role names more often, by which I mean Master and scarlet/pet/cuntpet/etc. respectively. There are more things which I believe would be helpful for us to implement, as just the asking to sit on furniture is itself a little odd, since we don’t have others surrounding it. Something like having to ask to leave the room, or to go to the bathroom, or things like that. Making sure to ask, also, whenever I get up, if he needs anything, things like that.

Little details and little rituals are so amazingly important, especially in a live-in 24/7 situation. I think our earlier downfall, which we are now correcting, was letting little things slide.

He has also begun to simply act in a different manner, as have I. We are both focusing more on these chosen power roles which we inhabit, and so we are able to be in them more and with much more ease than before. Things have changed in leaps and bounds and we have gotten farther in the last week or so than (I feel) we have in quite some time. While we usually make small improvements here and there, we have been changing more monumental things which are, at the same time, all the details.

It is really amazing to feel this transformation. I have become a lot less resistant, though still smart-mouthed and bratty to an extent, but more accepting of his domination over me. He has become more easily able to tap into his domination and has become more attentive to the details in order for us to sustain our roles. We’ve really gotten closer to where I feel comfortable, and we’re both enjoying it a lot.

06.01

2008

The Aim of Discussion is This

Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.

Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.

However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.

Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.

This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.

I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.

My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.

While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.

After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.

We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.

One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.

I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.