lotusWelcome! I’m Tai Quyn Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a educator, artist, occultist, harlot, and gentlefemme about town. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I currently identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, queer theory, depth psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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12.23

2008

In Which I Wake Up Coming

Ho. Lee. Shit.

I’ve never had this happen before that I can remember. I just woke up from a dream coming, without any physical stimulation. It was glorious. I was very pleasantly surprised!

Now, the dream:

I’m not sure how I got into the situation, but I was with someone (no one I know) and we were in a large spacious room. We were fighting, kinda play-fighting, trying to figure out who was going to be on Top. He (masculine though not necessarily male, that was unclear–you know how dreams are) told me that he knew I wanted to be taken, dominated, etc. I was adamantly refusing it. I had my red cane and was occasionally hitting him in addition to our wrestling, circling, and fighting.

At one point something changed in me. I’m not sure how it happened, but I think he tripped me, so I fell to my knees. He pushed his hand against my shoulders and brought them to the floor, so my ass was up in the air. I suddenly didn’t want to be on top anymore, I wanted to be topped, but I didn’t want him to know that.

Suddenly he had the cane and was hitting me just the way I like it: lots of little somewhat-light/somewhat-hard smacks that burn more than sting. He was smacking just above my ass, mostly, telling me that was a sensitive spot, asking me if I was enjoying it. I shook my head but inside I was singing, elated, loving every second.

I was naked, though I think I had been clothed before (you know how dreams are). He was still clothed. Suddenly he pushed three lubed fingers into my ass, which slid in easily and wonderfully. I clenched around them and moaned as he continued to cane me in that lightly-hard burning way that I love so well. He chuckled and asked me again if I enjoyed it, if that was a moan of pleasure or displeasure. I didn’t answer, but I didn’t need to.

He began fucking my ass with his fingers, until I started moving back toward him, clenching around him. I could feel my cunt so wet beneath where he was penetrating, and then he brought out the toy.

It was a rabbit like the one I’m giving away (though I haven’t used that one, but I’ve marveled at it and want one). He turned it on, pushed it inside of me, and positioned the ears just perfectly over my clit. He continued fingering my ass while the rabbit turned away inside me getting my g-spot and the ears buzzed over my clit.

It didn’t take long until I was coming. As I came in the dream I woke up to my body and cunt spasming, coming, partaking in a glorious (albeit short as I was not fully awake for all of it) orgasm.

My hands were nowhere near my clit or cunt or ass. I was coming hands-free, on my side, clutching a pillow to my chest.

Score one for my imagination.

12.16

2008

Microfantasy Monday – Boots

I know, I know, it’s not technically Monday anymore. However, I’ve had a rough weekend and only barely got Pleasurists out yesterday, so here’s my Microfantasy Monday on Tuesday, and you just have to deal. I really like these, particularly because I love doing vignettes rather than full stories, probably because I don’t really have the skill to pull of full stories most of the time. But I digress…

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: Boots.

She slipped the black PVC onto my foot and then reached for the laces, making sure it was situated correctly before beginning the task of sliding the hard end of each lace through the holes one at a time, from my ankle to my knee. I watched her as she worked, careful to pull the laces just right, one at a time, our little ritual to get her into the right mindset. Every so often she would glance up to make sure I was pleased.

And then the other boot was put on, each hole meticulously filled, each lace segment tightened, until both of my calves were encased in shiny gorgeous black PVC. I smiled as she sat back on her feet, kneeling before me, then stood, five inches taller now, my right foot slightly forward. I gestured for her to bow further, and instructed her to kiss the boots she had so carefully attended to. When she came up I could see the familiar sub-space in her eyes. I shifted feet so she could kiss the other before clipping a leash to her collar and leading her to the bed.

12.08

2008

Microfantasy Monday – Sliding Glass Doors

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: Sliding. Glass. Doors.

“There.” He growled, impatience and irritation in his voice as he pointed across the room. She slowly turned her head from where she was kneeling and let her gaze follow the line his finger made. She bit her lip but knew that further hesitation on her part would result in something worse, so she started to stand. “No.” He told her firmly. She knew what to do.

She sighed softly and crawled across the room, over the carpet and then the tile in the kitchen before she reached the sliding glass door. He told her to stand and spread her legs, facing outside. She was already naked and hesitated for long enough that he felt the need to encourage her by reaching down and slapping her exposed bottom.

Quickly she stood and displayed her naked form to the world outside. As he came up behind her she counted the windows she could see into, meaning the windows that people could see her from, and wondered who would get a glimpse. There was a small balcony outside the door, but the building across the street was taller than her own. One of his hands moved between her legs as the other pressed against her left shoulder, pressing her against the cold glass as he dipped into her and showed her off to the neighbors, heightening her embarrassment and elation.

A Switching Test

Here is another identity that has come quite a long way in the last few months: Dominus and I have had issues with our relationship because of my newfound Domina identity, and especially with my lack of outlet for it. It’s difficult to embrace an identity when you have no one to explore it with, which really just creates frustration and ends up leaking out in our relationship. While I’ve gone online a few times, because I do believe that is a wonderful way to explore new fantasies and new desires, I’m too picky to just Dominate someone I don’t know very well, so it’s difficult.

I have been internalizing most of my questions and trying to figure out where he and I fit together with all of my new revelations about myself. I know that I am still submissive, that I still desire to submit, but my new Domina identity is more enticing at the moment because it is new and unknown. It’s not a conscious decision, but rather something I can’t always control yet since I do not know how to navigate between cuntpet and Domina yet, but I’m working on it.

Onyx and I have been talking quite a bit about our roles, our relationship, and how my new identities have been affecting both of those. I’ve been distant, for one, trying to figure out my internal identity struggle, trying to answer questions, some of which were answered in my Identity Musings posts, some of which I still have to answer.

A few things became apparent: he felt pressured into Dominating me and with all the stress going on at work as well as being unsure of my reaction to him, if I would be obviously receptive to his dominance or if I would not be, he wasn’t feeling motivated to Dominate me and not desiring to either. It was an additional worry, an additional burden, and neither of us are happy about that.

He said there are times that he just doesn’t want to have any responsibility, when he doesn’t want to have to think or decide anything, so I suggested we try switching. After a long somewhat exhausting talk we came to that decision, and as of this morning we have “switched.”

It’s been subtle so far, mostly just asking him to do things for me more than I normally would as well as me having the ultimate decision making. We’ll do more as the weekend goes on, I’ll take more power and expect more compliance, but so far he’s been doing remarkably well, and is asking me if I need anything at various times.

As submissives know, what he requested was not exactly all that a submissive does. We have responsibility and do have to think at all times, and I’m not trying to say that is not the case. However, there is a much different responsibility and different things to think about when being submissive than when being Dominant or even not participating in D/s at all, and it is those two types of responsibility he is trying to get away from.

We’ll talk at length about this, of course, and I’ll post about all of the activities and thoughts of the weekend on Monday.

08.15

2008

It's Just Breath Control

I sat astride his chest, “It’s just a thrill,” he said,
as he relaxed on the dark, dark bed,
“it’s just breath control.”
He whispered “Hold me here” and I did and his head fell back.
He whispered “Press harder” and I did and his eyes rolled back. It’s just breath control.

-”Breath Control” by Recoil

This post comes to you by request of the sweet, lovely, and brilliant Elizabeth (I may have a bit of a crush, shhhh… and let’s not mention her partner Gabe as well… they are both amazing and fabulous), she asked me about the allure of breath play, what I see in it, and why it’s appealing. This is something I’ve been thinking quite a bit about lately, as both the play parties we went to ended up with me desiring breath play at one point or another. It really is something that I highly enjoy, and I don’t ask for it as often as I feel the desire for it.

One instance in particular comes to mind for me to talk about. This was back when I still lived in Ashland, Oregon and Master was coming over for a weekend at a time to visit. I think it was around his birthday in December 2005, our relationship was still pretty new, especially on the physical level, and we had played with breath play a little bit already, but this was the first time I remember experiencing a big “wow” factor, it was what turned breath play from a casual desire to a permanent kink.

We were cuddling on the couch, watching Buffy or Angel (I don’t remember which) as we usually did. Pretty much all we did when he visited was fuck, eat, and if we could pull ourselves out of bed, watch Buffy or Angel (as I own all twelve seasons and make everyone that gets close to me watch through them with me). I forget what provoked it, I may have asked for it or we may have been talking about it, I’m not sure, but I do remember that he had me breathe in deeply before covering my nose and mouth with his hand (my favorite way of experiencing breath play).

I took a breath and we looked into each others eyes as he began controlling me. He held me past he had before, making me light headed and a little dizzy, but in an exquisite way. I felt completely under his power, extremely helpless, and a little out of it in a weird way. I was completely conscious, but felt almost drunk or just loose, basically I was a lot less self-conscious and my overanalytical brain was shut off a bit, I was in the moment rather than overthinking everything as I usually do.

So, basically, there are three main factors which I believe contribute to my enjoyment of and desire for breath play: control, vulnerability, and headspace. The control aspect should be fairly obvious, the Top is controlling the breath of the bottom, controlling something which is usually automatic and subconscious. It brings focus to the mundane and is a way for the Top to illustrate the power ze has over the bottom, because ze controls not only the bottom’s conscious actions but also the unconscious. It can easily be worked into mindfuck scenarios that way as well.

Vulnerability is pretty obvious as well, I think, basically the bottom is putting hir life into the hands of the Top. If the Top was to hold on for a little longer ze could make the bottom pass out or even die (though, of course, none of us would pick Tops who would even consider doing something like that, but the threat is there). The bottom is completely under the power of the Top, and must trust hir completely in order to engage in breath play, and I believe, like all edge play, if done correctly it can strengthen the bond between Top and bottom.

I find that breath play gets me in an immediately vulnerable, helpless, and (basically) a submissive mindset. My brain shuts down a bit (in a good way) and I am taken into a form of sub-space. I am able to dip into that mindset quicker than any other method which we have played around with. In some ways it’s a very spiritual experience as well, as I find all sub-space or pain-space to be, which is really a seperate post I’m working on as well. It brings me more into the serving aspect of my personae, which doesn’t usually happen very easily.

That said, each experience I’ve had with breath play are all slightly different, but they are all slightly the same. The mindset which results is not always identical, and it also depends on what else it’s coupled with and the intensity of it. If we do a short amount while Master is fucking me the affect is completely different than if we are doing nothing but breath play (like the scenario above) or if he is caning me and holding my breath (like the experience at the play party). Every experience slightly varies but the core tenants are the same: control, vulnerability, and headspace/mindset.

07.30

2008

A Wicked Tease

Master and I were lying in bed last night and I remarked that he had forgotten to turn off the light in the “office,” the door of which is next to ours in the corner of the small hallway in an L configuration ( | = our bedroom door _ = the office door). Since our door was open, light was coming in, and we like it to be pretty dark when we sleep.

He grumbled a bit, told me to do it, I teasingly refused, and he got up to turn it off. I told him I would have turned it off, but on his way back to the other side of the bed (his side is the side opposite from the door) he straddled my legs to softly grind his cock against my ass before lying back down. He then mentioned that if he hadn’t gotten up he wouldn’t have been able to tease me.

Two can play at that game, I thought, so I leaned over and down and licked at his cockhead before taking it into my mouth. I didn’t want to just briefly tease for a second, I wanted to get him hard and then move away and stop. I figured that would get him to fuck me, at least my mouth if not somewhere else. I bobbed my head a few times until I could feel him harden and tried to pull my head away.

While I was focused on teasing he had moved his hand behind my head, not so it was touching, but so that if I pulled away as I did his hand would catch me and not let me back up. My hair was in a bun, so he easily grabbed hold of that and dug his fingers into the hair around it, pulling at my hair whenever I tried to get away. It was deliciously painful, and because of it I decided to clench my teeth together so that he could not get his cock back in my mouth.

We struggled like that for quite some time. He pushed my mouth against his cock, he slapped my face with his cock, he grabbed and tugged at my hair and asked if I would be a “good girl” to which I frequently shook my head or replied with a “no.” He growled and pulled my hair more, making me whimper and cry out with the pain, twisting the bun so that it tugged at what felt like every strand.

He began to stroke his cock in front of me, and I could no longer resist the temptation of the now extremely hard shaft. I stuck my tongue out and wiggled it against the cockhead while he stroked, then took it into my mouth when he let me. His hand still gripping my bun as he began to fuck my face, or, more accurately, he began to forcefully stroke his cock with my mouth, tugging my head up and down by my hair.

It didn’t take long until he was groaning, grunting, and shooting his come into my mouth. I swallowed it like the good little cunt I am, and proceeded to lick and suck at it for a few moments longer, to make sure I had gotten every last drop.

We don’t often play with my cunt side, but it has been coming out more lately. It’s always delicious when it does. Master loves forcing me, and I love being forced, so it’s really a win-win. In an odd way it is also a way for my Domina side to (somewhat) come out during play with Master, as I can have somewhat more control over the situation, but end up being overpowered by him… but this is something to get into for another post.

Afterward he told me that I should know that I would not be able to tease him like he can tease me. Of course I knew that, but pretending is much more fun than just giving in to that fact.

07.25

2008

Discoveries of the Domina

I dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.

I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.

That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.

Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.

I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.

Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.

I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.

I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.

Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.

I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!

I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.

I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?

06.28

2008

Impromptu Ravishment Play

Please note: this post will contain talk of ravishment/rape play and is not meant to be a trigger for anyone who may have suffered from sexual assault. This post or participation in this activity does not condone any sort of non-consensual sexual activity.

As Tart said, “Do I want actual rape? Good lord no!” And I completely agree. I can’t express my feelings of horror when I think that people actually think it is acceptable to have sex with someone completely against their will, and yet I find consensual play incredibly arousing. Playing with vulnerability and putting myself in seemingly vulnerable situations is one of the strongest lures I have to BDSM in general, and is my pull to rape play.

There is something powerful in consensually giving oneself to another, something I’ve talked about numerous times before. Willfully putting oneself in the power of another to create the illusion of helplessness while still having some measure of control is all power play is about. Rape play is another form of power play, obviously, as most rape is about power, not about sex. Being able to pretend to struggle, to be “overpowered” and “forced” into submission is something which appeals to my force fetish and allows an outlet for my strong-willed and stubborn nature while also being in the context of Master’s and my relationship.

As said before: do I want to be raped? Do I want to be taken against my will? Of course not! I would even say: hell no! However, rape play is about the blending of one person’s will to struggle and be overpowered and the other’s will to overpower. It’s about mutual fantasies being fulfilled, and fully consensual and safe, even if it may not always completely feel like it in the moment.

That said, on to the scenario.

Master and I were lying in bed, talking, teasing each other. He moved on top of me and grabbed my wrists as he often does, I struggled a little more than usual, and he became more forceful. As he became more forceful I began to struggle even more, saying “no” and “stop” and trying (not too hard) to get out of his grasp. He told me what he was going to do to me, he slid a finger inside me and told me how wet I was, that I wanted it, and I disagreed.

He began fucking me hard, wonderfully, and he continued teasing me about my desire, which I constantly refused to admit until he slowed down and then took his cock out of me. I whimpered and refused to admit it for a few moments before giving in, furthering the scenario by admitting to be a horny slut, begging to be fucked, begging to be used, begging for his cum.

The few force scenes that we’ve done have ended that way. It’s a long-time fantasy of mine, being discovered as a slut, being called out on it even if I’m pretending to resist. It is something Master loves as well, he’s the one who always turns it to that aspect of it. “Non-consent” erotic stories (or, consensual non-consent scenarios) were what lead me to BDSM in the first place.

These are desires that, when I look into the origin of them, don’t make much logical sense. But, then, what desires really do? The desire to be out of control for me (a control freak) is a big mixture of scary, exciting, and arousing. The same can be said for vulnerability. One of the nice things about rape play is that it allows me to be scared in a way that regular play does not. I can work with feeling scared and vulnerable in a space where I can let those emotions out while still knowing that I am safe and cared for (despite the appearance of otherwise from an unknowing outside observer).

06.19

2008

The Perfect Cure for Grumpyness

The other day I was in a kind of grumpy place, I have been a few days this week, actually, and I’m not completely sure why. Though when I get grumpy, I often get needy. Not that regular kind of emotionally needy, or just regularly physically needy, but a deep desire to be dominated like I’ve written about before. I’m not always sure what triggers this. Sometimes it’s a bad day, sometimes it’s just lack of getting it, a lapse in regular play, and sometimes my paranoid and overanalyzing nature gets the better of my mood.

I hadn’t been tied up for quite some time. I was working on my computer, lying naked on my stomach on the bed with my laptop in front of me, and Master came in to straddle me from behind, he ground his cock into me and we exchanged a few teasing words.

Though I was wearing a robe, and he had on his pants, I could feel the semi-hardness of him grinding against my ass. I asked him if he was going to fuck me, and he told me that he was going to tease me for a while first. I asked him if he would tie me up when he did it.

Later he came back into the room, this time I was naked as it had been hot and the fan I had going wasn’t quite enough to cool me down. He started playing with me teasingly, straddled me again and grabbed at my wrists, holding them behind my back so that he could wind the bondage tape around them.

From there I was helpless. I fake-struggled for a bit, testing my bonds, as he slid his fingers into me, testing me, preparing me for him. He fucked me, while slapping my ass, grabbing my hair, using my bound wrists to pull me back onto him, doing all the little things which drive me wild.

The entirety and details of the experience are more of a blur than anything. Being bound and fucked is something which will put me in an almost immediate state of submission, taking me down into my fantasies.

I think it is the automatic feeling of helplessness which does it, an automatic overpowering that I can feel in every bit of me. The feeling can manifest through physical or mental bondage, and simply from hands pinning me down or grasping my wrists.

There is also something about it which makes me feel cherished and loved. I’m not quite sure what it is that gives me that sensation. It was the perfect cure for my grumpy feelings.

06.06

2008

Transformation at a Good Pace

Three nights ago (Monday) was the first night we implemented the new way of greeting. I am to have dinner ready, be freshly showered, and be waiting, kneeling and naked, with my collar offered to him, when he gets home from work. He works late and doesn’t get home until a little after 10pm, so I have a bit of time usually after I get home to relax, get other things done, and then make dinner and shower and get ready for his arrival. It’s been really amazing to have that more dedicated and ritualistic presentation to him when he first comes home, offering myself at his cuntpet, getting into that mindset right away.

He’s also implemented a few other things, such as asking to use the furniture, and we have been calling each other by our role names more often, by which I mean Master and scarlet/pet/cuntpet/etc. respectively. There are more things which I believe would be helpful for us to implement, as just the asking to sit on furniture is itself a little odd, since we don’t have others surrounding it. Something like having to ask to leave the room, or to go to the bathroom, or things like that. Making sure to ask, also, whenever I get up, if he needs anything, things like that.

Little details and little rituals are so amazingly important, especially in a live-in 24/7 situation. I think our earlier downfall, which we are now correcting, was letting little things slide.

He has also begun to simply act in a different manner, as have I. We are both focusing more on these chosen power roles which we inhabit, and so we are able to be in them more and with much more ease than before. Things have changed in leaps and bounds and we have gotten farther in the last week or so than (I feel) we have in quite some time. While we usually make small improvements here and there, we have been changing more monumental things which are, at the same time, all the details.

It is really amazing to feel this transformation. I have become a lot less resistant, though still smart-mouthed and bratty to an extent, but more accepting of his domination over me. He has become more easily able to tap into his domination and has become more attentive to the details in order for us to sustain our roles. We’ve really gotten closer to where I feel comfortable, and we’re both enjoying it a lot.