I started the draft of this post with this title months ago and had the intention to write about the juxtaposition of how wonderful it was to lay between the two of them and how horrible it was to be between them when something was going wrong. Of course the title takes on even more meaning now that they have severed all ties to each other but they both still want to be with me.

I was constantly in the middle when we were all living together, not just physically. At first I would play messenger between them when things weren’t going well, they wouldn’t talk to each other like they would to me. Some point after I stopped playing messenger our communication simply got worse, we all felt trapped and simply shut down. We all agreed something needed to change, but didn’t have the means or the drive to change it.

I can see both sides now. I still love them both very much and I still want to be with them both, just as they both want to be with me. I do not do well with making decisions when I have to choose between two things I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer “all” to “one.” I’m torn and do not know how to make a choice like this.

My entire life is crumbling around me and the two people who have been central to my life are at odds and I am unable to confide in either of them fully or find the support in them that I am used to. This is difficult on all of us for different reasons, and it seems we each think we have it the worst when in reality there is no “worse” in this situation.

I have been asked many times why can’t I just continue to be with both of them, why must I make a choice. While I was told by one of them that me being with both of them might be okay as long as I don’t live with the other person I was told by the other that due to everything that happened it would be extremely difficult. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice: thinking I can have both of them and having that end with none of us happy or getting what we need.

This evening Marla mentioned fearing that no matter who I chose I would end up resenting them for making me choose. I am trying to prevent this by taking the time to figure out what I need above all else. I love them both, I want them both, I don’t know how to choose but I know that rushing into a decision will end up with me and/or everyone unhappy.

At the same time I know that taking too long or indecision is a decision all in and of itself. I’m trying to find the balance there, but maybe I’ve already taken too long. By trying to avoid hurting one of them I will probably end up hurting both of them.

The other option, of course, is to choose neither. One of the things I fear the most is hurting someone that I love, and in this situation I would be hurting both of the people who I desperately want to spend my life with, this seems like the worst solution because of that. This isn’t to say this option isn’t tempting, it bypasses me having to favor one over the other, but it guarantees that we all will be hurting more than we already are. On the flip side, if I make a choice two of us will be hurting over a choice and the other will still be hurting over the rest of the situation.

All I can do is try to figure out what is best for me, and that’s what I’m trying to encourage them both to do as well. I am not used to putting myself first in any situation, but I am working on how to do that. I’m trying not to take too long as to drive both of them away but to take long enough that I know I am making the right decision, or at least as much as I am able to know that.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with body hair, I think that’s pretty common.

I’ve had periods of time where I can’t stand any of it, shaving my pits, pubes, and legs once they show even a slight bit of stubble, plucking my eye brows often freakishly goth-thin so that they are barely there (ah, teenagerhood). I’ve shaved my arms as well, though only once and never again since I thought it felt funny when it was growing in. I have tried shaving, waxing, plucking, rubbing, all to see what works best and what feels the best.

Then there have been periods of time where I love it in one form or another, not getting rid of it anywhere, or just shaving one part or another. At one point I was shaving nowhere but my pubic hair, which was kind of amusing. For a long time I shaved everywhere completely, though I’ve played around with different styles “down there” like a “landing strip” or a vee shape (though I haven’t tried using a stencil) and so on.

Recently I’d gotten lax about shaving, it was simply seeming like too much work, so I decided to stop completely. At some point Onyx remarked that this is the hairiest he’s ever seen me, and that’s true. For the majority of our relationship I’ve been pretty dedicated to shaving. One time when I was scratching my head, arm raised, Marla remarked that she thought my tuft of armpit hair was sexy, and I agree.

I suppose a lot of people associate body hair with masculinity, especially considering a “male” hormone is responsible for the growth of it (it is called androgenic hair after all), and growing more comfortable with an “other” gender expression has definitely been a catalyst for my choice to stop shaving. I’m not exactly interested in passing in one gender or another, and a masculine appearance was not my intention in stopping either, it is more about feeling comfortable in my body.

It’s also quite possible that I may change my mind tomorrow or the day after that or the month after that, I may grow tired of having a thick forest underneath my arms or a dark collection of hairs on my legs and take a razor to them. This is just one fluctuating part of that gender equation.

In addition to the rest of my body hair I have been letting the hair on my chin grow as well, instead of plucking it as usual. I have two little tufts to either side of my chin which are excellent for stroking when desiring to appear deep in thought.

Fall seems to be the time for starting new projects–there have been A LOT of blogiversaries in the last month plus–and generally of taking stock of one’s life. Perhaps this is because we are coming inside from the crazyness that is summer and all the fun that goes along with that and need to focus on other more personal things like blogs and self.

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, I do not take pleasure in it the way I used to and I have less time to write even though I have plenty to say but at the same time I have nothing at all to say. I’m often worried that something I write in here will be taken badly by one or both of my partners and so I have become cautious and self-editing to the point of nondisclosure.

None of us are happy in this situation, but we don’t have the means to change it, and we don’t know what to do about that. We all feel stuck, on edge, like everything is threatening to break at every given moment and it’s all we can do to keep it from doing so. Or maybe that’s just me. We love and are loved but it is guarded love and it comes with promises and expectations. This situation is killing me and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I love them both so very much, but everything is so discombobulated and strange that I’m not sure what that really means.

I need to get over my fears, however, and figure out what I need and what I am thinking, and that’s where this blog comes in. I’ve come a long way from when I started this, I’ve changed a lot, found new words to mark my changes and used words to help myself remember the experiences along the way. I have written posts similar to this before, my realization of needing a space to chronicle out my thoughts and fears and dedicating myself to doing so, and every time I mean it.

I’m working on figuring out some new features or series’ for this blog and for Wanton Lotus. I am wondering about my choice to split the two of them up, wondering if they would have been better left together, and wondering if I am still writing for the reasons I want to write about. I haven’t been, but I intend to change that.

I started this blog as a place of release, somewhere I could express everything and anything going on in my life for the sake of getting it out of my head. It’s not written for an audience, though I do enjoy the fact that some people find my life/words/writing/whatever interesting but that has never been my focus. I want it to be interesting to read, yes, and I do not want to use it as a out-and-out journal, I want it to be a guide on my way to self-expression and a better writing quality.

Again, I think I’ve said all this before, but I feel the need to repeat it. I am going to set goals for myself again, focus on writing exercises, and focus on certain aspects I am desiring to write more about and delve more deeply in to. Gender and polyamory are two main focuses of my life at the moment and I’m going to start there. Sex and smut are also key factors, and I want to start writing more erotica from all sorts of points of views.

I haven’t really been sharing as much of my personal sex life as I have previously or as I would like to be because of my partners and the situation we are all in, but some day I would like to get back to that. I enjoy writing about experiences that have taken place and I hope to be able to do that again soon. I’m making it a goal to become more involved with the community here, which I really haven’t done, and hopefully that will lead to more interesting stories.

I also have many thoughts about revamping my other main site, Wanton Lotus. I just need to actually sit down and finish some of these things that I have in the works and the ideas I have. The same goes for Pleasurists for that matter, I want to focus on creating more of a community resource, but that is a whole other post.

*A line from Grosse Point Blank, maybe not the perfect title, but it’s always what I think of when I think of taking stock of life.

I’m highly surprised at how little I’ve been writing on here lately. I have so many drafts in the works but so little desire to finish them most of the time. I’m still feeling similar to what I wrote about in my disconnected post, and I just got a temp job (hoping it will turn permanent) working at the University Bookstore which helps as far as money issues that I’ve been having (though not a lot).

In some ways I feel like I can’t authentically express everything that is going on in my head and heart and so therefore I don’t feel like expressing any of it. At the same time I’ve got a build-up of emotions that really just needs to be let loose. Remember those days when I was posting every day? I kind of miss that a lot. I want to get back to it, but I’m not sure how.

I’m at once ecstatically happy and extremely depressed with my current living situation. Onyx and Marla are both amazing and I love them both very much but nothing is working the way any of us planned or wanted. I went into it knowing that things change and there was the possibility of just about anything but I never expected things to work out the way they have.

They each act differently around me than they do around each other and so often I feel closed off from one or both of them when the three of us are together. I’m not sure how they interact with each other when I’m not there (obviously) so I don’t know if this happens only when the three of us are together or if it is the nature of their relationship, though I think it’s probably the latter. This makes it difficult for me, and when the three of us are together we feel like three roommates instead of three lovers.

Not too long ago Sinclair talked about differing needs within relationships, that the relationship itself has needs in addition to the people within it. I’ve mentioned before that within our triad there are four relationships: mine and Onyx’s, mine and Marla’s, Marla and Onyx’s, and the three of us together, when you add in the fact that each of those relationships have needs and the three of us have needs that’s a whole lot of needs going on there. I really wonder if any of the seven different needs are actually getting met.

More later?

I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.

I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.

From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.

Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.

I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.

I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.

Number 124 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the twelfth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

This set of responses comes anonymously from a 28 year old “femme (sometimes ultra-femme) female” lesbian who is “As married as I can be in Virginia.”

What size is your body?

I am a size 20 – currently 235 pounds – so definitely large

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?

Not so comfortable now, since I just gained 40 pounds in a year, after losing those same 40 pounds the year before.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?

I’ve been large my entire life. Two years ago, I actually managed to start losing weight and dropped 40 pounds, and 2 dress sizes – I was actually buying clothes in the regular sections, not the plus size. I felt pretty okay with my body before the weight loss, but then really felt great afterwards. I was wearing much more form fitting clothes and went out a lot more. Thats when I met my wife, and was pretty confidant the whole time, which is partly why she was attracted. Then, I had to start some new medicine, and all the weight came back. Since then, I’ve been very negative towards my body – I know I’ve been driving my wife nuts with the negative talk – and I’m trying to get back into losing the weight again, and stop the negative back talk.

How important is sexuality to your life?

Very – I love sex. Our bedroom is a shrine to our combined nymphomaniac sex and sex toy addictions. Well, not quite addictions, but I’m not saying no anytime soon. I know the best way to cure a headache is sex :)

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?

I love sex – and since I’ve come out, its been a much more positive relationship. When I was younger, and still trying to fit into the heterosexist norms, I was very promiscuous, because I craved sex and the closeness with another human being, but on the other hand, hated being that close to a man. I would actually get physically ill afterwards sometimes, and of course, I was the most stereotypical commitment-phobe – no one came to my place, and I never had breakfast. But after accepting myself for who I am, and getting over the ingrained homophobia, I’ve never loved it more! Unfortunately, with the weight gain, I’ve found myself more reluctant, but my wife always makes me feel so sexy when we’re getting to it!

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?

Not so much now that I’m larger – if I can lose the weight again, I think I would be much more comfortable. Definitely will not be going to fetish ball in my leather corset this year.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?

Rather uncomfortable – at least it seems that the younger folks are. Even when I was under 200, the people attracted to me were usually older – thirties, forties and even fifties. Younger girls (and guys when at a hetero bar) would sometimes even make nasty comments. But when I was confidant about my body, it seemed that most of the mature people were very positive about my overtly sexual attire – but now, with the extra weight and lowered confidence, I’m not sure it would go over as well.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?

I think since I actually lost weight for the first time in my life (as opposed to just gaining), when I did gain it back again, I was much more negatively affected than ever before. It was almost like a I got a glimpse of life on the thin(ner) side, and now can’t accept the change. This might be okay if it could be a positive influence, but I’ve never lost weight when I’m trying to lose weight – I lost weight by giving up on losing weight and just trying to get more healthy. My sex drive, while still healthy, has also dropped off some since the weight gain, and I think its because of how self-conscious I am about my body now. Plus, with the new weight gain, I’m not as proportioned as I used to be – used to, I didn’t like my size and I was hourglass – now I’m an apple, and look like bigger than my size, so its been a difficult adjustment.

Anything else you would like to add?

I’d love to hear what others have said! Especially the skinny women who always stand in front of us big women and complain how fat they are – I’ve always wondered if they really think that, or if they are just fishing for compliments (which, by the way, I never give – Instead I suggest weight watchers ;)

*N.N. stands for “nomen nescio”, Latin for “I don’t know the name.”

When did sex become such a big deal? I mean, don’t get me wrong, my spirituality is heavily tied in with sex and sexuality, and in many ways it is a big deal, but at the same time who cares. Sex is fun and I, personally, like my sex to have laughter and a feeling of casual exploartion and passion. I want it to be free to be what it is, be it led by one person or another taking on a Top role, or just a casual fun exciting time had by all, but it feels like sex has become much more than that.

I want sex to be people having fun and exploring each other’s bodies (exploring regardless of how many other times the people involved have the bumps and nooks and crannys of the others ingrained in to their memory). There should be something new every time, even if the routine or props or positions are similar, because every time is a new time to be intimate and explore. I want sex to be fun.

Lately I feel like sex has so many other connotations. Onyx and Marla aren’t really sexual with each other separately, we three have been sexual together and I have been sexual with each of them, and there are so many implications that sex with one or both of them has to the relationship at large. I know it’s necessary to a point, of course, because sex does have implications and connotations but at the same time I just want sex to be sex.

Onyx and I have been having sex for four years, nearly five if you count cyber and phone sex, and yet in the past few months our sex has changed rather dramatically, though not in a bad way. Our sex and, for that matter, our sexual and relational dynamic has always been fluid and subject to change.

I felt guilty for being able to have sex with him and not being able to have sex with Marla when she was still 3000 miles away, and since she’s been here I’ve wavered back and forth over actually wanting to have sex with Onyx, mostly because of an incident we had after she moved which I haven’t written about. I should clarify, never have I not wanted to have sex with him, but there have been times I’ve been indifferent as my NRE with Marla was coursing strong and I was rather obsessed with her.

Lately, the last week or so, I’ve been feeling the NRE slowly melting into just plain ol’ relationship energy as Marla and I get used to being around each other and living with each other. That’s not to say the passion and desire isn’t still there, but it’s not as much of a driving need as it was, although we do still need and want and crave each other, but in a more realistic way I feel. It’s difficult to explain.

Marla and I have always had great sex, it’s at times incredibly hot and at other times incredibly goofy, and it has been like that since the first time we fucked. We feel free and comfortable with each other and we both seem to know certain buttons to push on the other as well to turn them on quickly.

With the three of us sex has been complicated, for Marla and myself especially I think as we both have more possessive tendencies than Onyx does, and seeing the other with him has frequently been difficult. I haven’t had to deal with Marla and Onyx having sex without me yet, and I’m both terrified and excited for when it actually does happen, as I think it will change a lot of things and enhance their relationship as well as the triad but at the same time I’m worried about how I will react to it. I have not yet mastered the art of compersion as they haven’t interacted enough to give me practice at it.

I think some of the complications could be taken from it if we can get back to thinking of sex as casual and taking away the potential negative connotations to it, though that’s much easier said than done of course and I’m not really sure how to do that. I want to put the fun and the goofy back in sex with all three of us, and to get to a place where we can all be comfortable and happy. I am confident this will be able to happen, right now it’s a question of when.

July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.

This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.

August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.

We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.

Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.

Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.

via www.tendrebulle.fr via art or porn

I always know it’s been a good fucking session when I’m fuzzy on the details the next day or, even better, right after.

We’ve been off for a while, uncertain, not fitting right, just not quite working together the way we used to. The sex has always been great, but something has been missing, something important, something fundamental.

I’ve been desiring to be dominated by him recently, for a while now really, but I have a really difficult time expressing that need. I’m not sure how to ask for it. I’m not sure how to initiate being the submissive partner. Logically I know I should be able to say “would you dominate me tonight?” Logically I know this would be well-received and logically I know he would like this, but I’m still afraid to do it, and so I haven’t.

My discovery of switchyness has in some ways hurt our relationship. I have such a dominant personality it’s difficult to tell when I want to be submissive or not, especially since I can’t seem to express that desire to him otherwise. I’m very glad I discovered it and I’m really excited to explore my Top side with Marla (really very excited) but I also know it’s put a question mark in my relationship with Onyx that wasn’t there before.

I had to explore myself a lot in relation to my roles. It’s been nine months since I embraced switch and I’m still exploring what that means.

At first I thought I wanted fixed roles with individuals, never switching within a relationship only outside of them. I went to the opposite extreme of wanting no fixed roles and to just do as we please.

Onyx and I have been trying to have no set roles for a while now, since about October, and it has changed our dynamic hugely. Once upon a time we were actually trying to be in a 24/7 O/cp relationship, at the tail-end of that I started embracing switch, and that’s when the disruptions started happening.

I have a tendency to focus only on a new identity when one crops up, so that I can understand it and work with it before integrating it fully into myself. My doing this with my Domina side or Top side was difficult while being in a relationship with a primarily dominant person, as one can imagine.

My exploring of my Domina side allowed Onyx to realize that he is a switch as well, though basically a Dom/switch, or a Dom who occasionally bottoms who is willing to call himself a switch. This was very good, and I do still love Topping him, but the last few months I wasn’t really getting dominated at all, or very little, and I knew this needed to change.

I think that working on being with Marla has in many ways required us to reevaluate our own relationship and communication. But that’s a whole other post.

I decided to broach the subject of changing our dynamic yet again two nights ago, though I did it kind of late at night and without fully explaining myself. He thought I meant go back to a more structured and somewhat more permanent D/s style, and kind of shot me down in a roundabout way. I was confused at this, but decided to drop it in favor of sleep and bring it up the next day.

Yesterday I brought it up again, this time I explained better, I think, that I wanted us to default into him being Dominant and me being submissive. Primarily I am desiring sexual domination from him, but not only, allowing for the ability of things to move outside bedroom-only D/s if either of us desire.

What I really desire is for us to go back to similar the way we were when we first got together and were long-distance and seeing each other occasionally in the sense of the dynamic we had then. We had this wonderful casually-D/s thing going on that was at once always-present while also not trying to be anything other than it was. It was rather perfect, as far as I remember. He agreed. We know it won’t be exactly the same but it can be similar. The times we weren’t physically together during that period weren’t as great but, that’s a whole other story.

Basically we’ve come full-circle. In a good way. With the addition of all the things we’ve learned along the way.

I do love it when things fall into place.

So, back to the fucking. As a result of the discussion to turning our dynamic back to somewhat more set roles but also having the ability to change them should we desire we had some delicious rough sex last night that incorporated many of my favorite things including breath play, his fingers in my mouth, hair pulling, face slapping, and some orgasm control. It was pretty amazing and most of it is a blur.

We fucked three times last night, which is something we haven’t done in quite some time. He also used my mouth after getting off work today, and daytime sex has become a bit of a rarity in our lives as well. Evidence that this change is already proving to be a great one.

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This is not so much fantasy, but it’s very micro.

A week ago we were nervous, unsure of what was okay to say and what was not. We had the same desires we do now but were keeping them quiet, letting the idea of them saturate our minds but only disclosing parts. Torturing ourselves and each other with uncertainty.

Each day we get more comfortable, share our words more easily, or desires flow from our lips and fingers as we despise being so far apart. Nearly three thousand miles away our thoughts still turn to the other even without yet having met face to face.

We dream and long for the time when fingers can be thrust into aching holes, wrapped around soft throats, and sucked on by eager mouths. When toys and fingers and mouths can be used to discover all the right places to make the other moan, writhe, and come. When nothing separates us but air, or not even that.

A week ago we had all these desires but weren’t sure how to express them. We didn’t have the permission yet from ourselves, or the coaxing from the other to explore how we fit together. Now we do.