Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

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Broken

As of two days ago the triad we have been working so hard on the last six months or so ended. The state of my individual relationships within the triad is unknown at this point but we are all certain that Marla and Onyx’s relationship is no more.

If you follow me on twitter you already know this.

Two days ago Onyx went to work and shortly after Marla and I woke up to text messages from him telling us that Marla had to be out of the apartment by the time he got back. This was at 6am and he would be back around 7pm. This came as an extreme shock to us as things had actually been going better for a while, at least I thought they had. He told me that our relationship was over and that I might want to find a relative or someone to stay with.

This sounds extreme, and it really was. Marla and I talked with our families and ended up getting tickets to head home to where we grew up, I’m currently writing this from Juneau, Alaska.

We were not able to get flights until the next day, so (like the wonderfully sweet and amazing person she is) Coy Pink and her husband put us up at their place for the night, she even drove us to the airport the next day and everything, I’m still blown away by her willingness to help us, especially after having not seen me in months and never having met Marla.

Back to the beginning, though. The reason why everything changed so quickly was because Onyx snooped and read Marla’s private journal and discovered horrible things written there about him, bad enough that he never wants to see her again. I have not read what she wrote and I’m not sure I would want to even if given the chance.

I can understand him needing to read it and him wanting her out based on what she’s told me, though I also understand that what she wrote is not what she feels all the time and that it was an outpouring of raw emotion which was never to be read by anyone, especially not the person it was mostly about. I’m in Juneau figuring out what the next step for me is, what I need, who I can be with. I still love them both very much, and I’m pretty much guaranteed to break one or both of their hearts at this point.

Onyx has since said that he never intended to kick me out. He was delirious with anger and sadness and he assumed I wouldn’t want to stay with him if he kicked Marla out. He also assumed at first that I knew more about what she had written down than I did. Although twelve hours to pack up and leave is rather unreasonable he became more lenient once he started thinking rationally. We did leave before he got home, taking as much as we could, and he agreed to send the rest as we requested.

This is extremely hard on all of us, and I don’t really blame either of them for what has happened, although maybe I should. I can see both sides and knowing that they both still want a relationship with me in a way makes it all that much more difficult. I am no good at making decisions, especially when a situation changes from an “and” to an “either/or” and so that’s what I’m working on doing up here in Alaska.

How long I’ll stay is up in the air right now, all my stuff is still in Seattle along with my kitties but I don’t really have a job tying me there. I’m allowing myself time to sort through everything and figure out what’s best for me.

Body Hair

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with body hair, I think that’s pretty common.

I’ve had periods of time where I can’t stand any of it, shaving my pits, pubes, and legs once they show even a slight bit of stubble, plucking my eye brows often freakishly goth-thin so that they are barely there (ah, teenagerhood). I’ve shaved my arms as well, though only once and never again since I thought it felt funny when it was growing in. I have tried shaving, waxing, plucking, rubbing, all to see what works best and what feels the best.

Then there have been periods of time where I love it in one form or another, not getting rid of it anywhere, or just shaving one part or another. At one point I was shaving nowhere but my pubic hair, which was kind of amusing. For a long time I shaved everywhere completely, though I’ve played around with different styles “down there” like a “landing strip” or a vee shape (though I haven’t tried using a stencil) and so on.

Recently I’d gotten lax about shaving, it was simply seeming like too much work, so I decided to stop completely. At some point Onyx remarked that this is the hairiest he’s ever seen me, and that’s true. For the majority of our relationship I’ve been pretty dedicated to shaving. One time when I was scratching my head, arm raised, Marla remarked that she thought my tuft of armpit hair was sexy, and I agree.

I suppose a lot of people associate body hair with masculinity, especially considering a “male” hormone is responsible for the growth of it (it is called androgenic hair after all), and growing more comfortable with an “other” gender expression has definitely been a catalyst for my choice to stop shaving. I’m not exactly interested in passing in one gender or another, and a masculine appearance was not my intention in stopping either, it is more about feeling comfortable in my body.

It’s also quite possible that I may change my mind tomorrow or the day after that or the month after that, I may grow tired of having a thick forest underneath my arms or a dark collection of hairs on my legs and take a razor to them. This is just one fluctuating part of that gender equation.

In addition to the rest of my body hair I have been letting the hair on my chin grow as well, instead of plucking it as usual. I have two little tufts to either side of my chin which are excellent for stroking when desiring to appear deep in thought.

Leave Your Life-Stock Alone*

Fall seems to be the time for starting new projects–there have been A LOT of blogiversaries in the last month plus–and generally of taking stock of one’s life. Perhaps this is because we are coming inside from the crazyness that is summer and all the fun that goes along with that and need to focus on other more personal things like blogs and self.

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, I do not take pleasure in it the way I used to and I have less time to write even though I have plenty to say but at the same time I have nothing at all to say. I’m often worried that something I write in here will be taken badly by one or both of my partners and so I have become cautious and self-editing to the point of nondisclosure.

None of us are happy in this situation, but we don’t have the means to change it, and we don’t know what to do about that. We all feel stuck, on edge, like everything is threatening to break at every given moment and it’s all we can do to keep it from doing so. Or maybe that’s just me. We love and are loved but it is guarded love and it comes with promises and expectations. This situation is killing me and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I love them both so very much, but everything is so discombobulated and strange that I’m not sure what that really means.

I need to get over my fears, however, and figure out what I need and what I am thinking, and that’s where this blog comes in. I’ve come a long way from when I started this, I’ve changed a lot, found new words to mark my changes and used words to help myself remember the experiences along the way. I have written posts similar to this before, my realization of needing a space to chronicle out my thoughts and fears and dedicating myself to doing so, and every time I mean it.

I’m working on figuring out some new features or series’ for this blog and for Wanton Lotus. I am wondering about my choice to split the two of them up, wondering if they would have been better left together, and wondering if I am still writing for the reasons I want to write about. I haven’t been, but I intend to change that.

I started this blog as a place of release, somewhere I could express everything and anything going on in my life for the sake of getting it out of my head. It’s not written for an audience, though I do enjoy the fact that some people find my life/words/writing/whatever interesting but that has never been my focus. I want it to be interesting to read, yes, and I do not want to use it as a out-and-out journal, I want it to be a guide on my way to self-expression and a better writing quality.

Again, I think I’ve said all this before, but I feel the need to repeat it. I am going to set goals for myself again, focus on writing exercises, and focus on certain aspects I am desiring to write more about and delve more deeply in to. Gender and polyamory are two main focuses of my life at the moment and I’m going to start there. Sex and smut are also key factors, and I want to start writing more erotica from all sorts of points of views.

I haven’t really been sharing as much of my personal sex life as I have previously or as I would like to be because of my partners and the situation we are all in, but some day I would like to get back to that. I enjoy writing about experiences that have taken place and I hope to be able to do that again soon. I’m making it a goal to become more involved with the community here, which I really haven’t done, and hopefully that will lead to more interesting stories.

I also have many thoughts about revamping my other main site, Wanton Lotus. I just need to actually sit down and finish some of these things that I have in the works and the ideas I have. The same goes for Pleasurists for that matter, I want to focus on creating more of a community resource, but that is a whole other post.

*A line from Grosse Point Blank, maybe not the perfect title, but it’s always what I think of when I think of taking stock of life.

Fedora (HNT)

I bought a new fedora last night and love it so much that I needed to show it off. What better way to do that then with a series of HNT pictures? It is 100% organic cotton and possibly currently my favorite accessory, though that’s not a definite as I’m an accessory slut.

I had to pair it with a tie, of course. The tie is Onyx’s technically but I helped pick it out, it just works better with the hat than any of my ties. I was packing during this as well, though you can’t tell from the pictures.

Fedora HNT

I started out sans makeup, this first one (to me) feels a little more masculine, a little more debonair. I feel like a private eye.

fedora

On the flip side, this one is the one I see as most feminine. It’s mischievous, maybe a little dangerous, a slight smirk, though those aren’t necessarily the feminine qualities.

fedora

I tried out the purple lips to match the tie but didn’t really like them as much, this was my favorite shot of everything that included my breasts though, I really love the way they look and the angle.

fedora

Finally, a head shot/portrait/my new twitter picture/etc. This one looks to me like the me I see in the mirror these days, which I really enjoy.

It’s been a while since I’ve participated in HNT, so what better time than now? It’s been a while since I’ve done much on this blog, but that’s going to be changing as I’m getting back into the spirit of writing and feel like I have some things to say.

Coming Out

I’ve never really had to come out before. Until I met Onyx I was heavily involved in queer activism, which isn’t to say there aren’t straight queer activists because there are, but people assumed I was queer instead of the other way around. I had to come out as in a relationship with a man on many occasions after Onyx and I got together, which was weird in and of itself, but I got used to it. I’ve come out as queer a few times while living with Onyx, but usually it was to queers or queer allies and involved musing about the circumstance of being queer while in a heterosexual (though not straight) relationship.

Now that Marla and I are together, however, I am realizing coming out in a way I’ve never really had to before.

I recently started a new job (hooray!) and I haven’t officially come out to my co-workers. While I do sport my newest rendition of a super short awesome fauxhawky hairdo I also wear skirts and generally have fun bluring gender lines as much as possible. I don’t really make it a habit to talk about my personal life with coworkers, but the one time I referred to Marla in a conversation I called her my roommate. It was odd, and I’m not sure why I did it.

For the record, I’m not upset that I said “roommate,” and Marla isn’t mad about it or anything as that is what she called me for the first few weeks at her job, more than anything I’m curious as to why I said it and why I didn’t just say “girlfriend” or “partner” or something like that, and I’m interested at this new position I’m in to actually come out to co-workers in a fairly uncomplicated way.

I know the store I work at is queer friendly, as there are plenty of other queers that work there, and I think part of it has to do with my position of having not just a girlfriend but also a boyfriend and not wanting to get into the whole poly business with people I barely know and may or may not get to know much better in the future.

I have a feeling part of it is because of the temporary position of my job. While I’ve worked with many of the people multiple times I haven’t yet been offered a permanent position despite applying for various different ones. I think in some ways I don’t see the need to be open and honest about it with people I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be seeing again. Then again, I can’t tell if that’s even a reasonable reason, or if any of this really matters that much.

From the way I look and the way I dress now I think I’m much more visibly queer than I used to be. I also have a rainbow bracelet that I wear which Marla made for me and am sure that is a tip off for those who actually care.

Maybe that’s part of it too, though, those who actually care. If they care they would probe and it’s not as big of a deal to me as it used to be, it’s part of life but not something I feel the need to shout to everyone like I used to when I was in high school and would wear my shirt that says “I kiss girls” in rainbow letters. Maybe it’s not as big of a deal anymore because it is how it is and these aren’t people who would really care if I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or both, as the case may be.

Cut Glass, Carelessly Handled

I’m highly surprised at how little I’ve been writing on here lately. I have so many drafts in the works but so little desire to finish them most of the time. I’m still feeling similar to what I wrote about in my disconnected post, and I just got a temp job (hoping it will turn permanent) working at the University Bookstore which helps as far as money issues that I’ve been having (though not a lot).

In some ways I feel like I can’t authentically express everything that is going on in my head and heart and so therefore I don’t feel like expressing any of it. At the same time I’ve got a build-up of emotions that really just needs to be let loose. Remember those days when I was posting every day? I kind of miss that a lot. I want to get back to it, but I’m not sure how.

I’m at once ecstatically happy and extremely depressed with my current living situation. Onyx and Marla are both amazing and I love them both very much but nothing is working the way any of us planned or wanted. I went into it knowing that things change and there was the possibility of just about anything but I never expected things to work out the way they have.

They each act differently around me than they do around each other and so often I feel closed off from one or both of them when the three of us are together. I’m not sure how they interact with each other when I’m not there (obviously) so I don’t know if this happens only when the three of us are together or if it is the nature of their relationship, though I think it’s probably the latter. This makes it difficult for me, and when the three of us are together we feel like three roommates instead of three lovers.

Not too long ago Sinclair talked about differing needs within relationships, that the relationship itself has needs in addition to the people within it. I’ve mentioned before that within our triad there are four relationships: mine and Onyx’s, mine and Marla’s, Marla and Onyx’s, and the three of us together, when you add in the fact that each of those relationships have needs and the three of us have needs that’s a whole lot of needs going on there. I really wonder if any of the seven different needs are actually getting met.

More later?

Pleasurists #43

focus
via sexy_photo

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #42? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #44? Submit it here before Sunday August 30th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Note: No Editor’s Pick again this week, instead enter one of the many many contests that are going on!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Read More

Desire for One

I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.

I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.

From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.

Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.

I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.

I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.

Size & Sexuality Study – N.N.*

adipositivity124Number 124 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the twelfth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

This set of responses comes anonymously from a 28 year old “femme (sometimes ultra-femme) female” lesbian who is “As married as I can be in Virginia.”

What size is your body?

I am a size 20 – currently 235 pounds – so definitely large

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?

Not so comfortable now, since I just gained 40 pounds in a year, after losing those same 40 pounds the year before.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?

I’ve been large my entire life. Two years ago, I actually managed to start losing weight and dropped 40 pounds, and 2 dress sizes – I was actually buying clothes in the regular sections, not the plus size. I felt pretty okay with my body before the weight loss, but then really felt great afterwards. I was wearing much more form fitting clothes and went out a lot more. Thats when I met my wife, and was pretty confidant the whole time, which is partly why she was attracted. Then, I had to start some new medicine, and all the weight came back. Since then, I’ve been very negative towards my body – I know I’ve been driving my wife nuts with the negative talk – and I’m trying to get back into losing the weight again, and stop the negative back talk.

How important is sexuality to your life?

Very – I love sex. Our bedroom is a shrine to our combined nymphomaniac sex and sex toy addictions. Well, not quite addictions, but I’m not saying no anytime soon. I know the best way to cure a headache is sex :)

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?

I love sex – and since I’ve come out, its been a much more positive relationship. When I was younger, and still trying to fit into the heterosexist norms, I was very promiscuous, because I craved sex and the closeness with another human being, but on the other hand, hated being that close to a man. I would actually get physically ill afterwards sometimes, and of course, I was the most stereotypical commitment-phobe – no one came to my place, and I never had breakfast. But after accepting myself for who I am, and getting over the ingrained homophobia, I’ve never loved it more! Unfortunately, with the weight gain, I’ve found myself more reluctant, but my wife always makes me feel so sexy when we’re getting to it!

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?

Not so much now that I’m larger – if I can lose the weight again, I think I would be much more comfortable. Definitely will not be going to fetish ball in my leather corset this year.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?

Rather uncomfortable – at least it seems that the younger folks are. Even when I was under 200, the people attracted to me were usually older – thirties, forties and even fifties. Younger girls (and guys when at a hetero bar) would sometimes even make nasty comments. But when I was confidant about my body, it seemed that most of the mature people were very positive about my overtly sexual attire – but now, with the extra weight and lowered confidence, I’m not sure it would go over as well.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?

I think since I actually lost weight for the first time in my life (as opposed to just gaining), when I did gain it back again, I was much more negatively affected than ever before. It was almost like a I got a glimpse of life on the thin(ner) side, and now can’t accept the change. This might be okay if it could be a positive influence, but I’ve never lost weight when I’m trying to lose weight – I lost weight by giving up on losing weight and just trying to get more healthy. My sex drive, while still healthy, has also dropped off some since the weight gain, and I think its because of how self-conscious I am about my body now. Plus, with the new weight gain, I’m not as proportioned as I used to be – used to, I didn’t like my size and I was hourglass – now I’m an apple, and look like bigger than my size, so its been a difficult adjustment.

Anything else you would like to add?

I’d love to hear what others have said! Especially the skinny women who always stand in front of us big women and complain how fat they are – I’ve always wondered if they really think that, or if they are just fishing for compliments (which, by the way, I never give – Instead I suggest weight watchers ;)

*N.N. stands for “nomen nescio”, Latin for “I don’t know the name.”

Disconnected

I’ve been feeling disconnected with the world lately, both offline and on. A lot of this started when the triad formed, but also it has been going on increasingly since I stopped working and this long over-a-year that I haven’t been able to get a job.

I was so hopeful for a job I interviewed for last Friday. I have yet to hear back and that is sinking me down into sadness. Couple that with both my partners being distant and on-edge and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.

I’m writing this from the park, a wonderful place for some introspection and thought. The world around me feels more and more like a mystery every day, and I continually feel unable to grasp it, like the tangible reality I built over the last however many years is slipping away from me and I’m not sure how to get it back. How can I connect with a world that doesn’t seem to want me or work for me? I’m trying to figure this out. The only answer I have come to is to build a new world around me, so I’m trying to do just that.

I’m having a difficult time with it, though. Looking back I have reconstructed my reality multiple times. Every time I move or any of those fundimental aspects of my life change: location, company, desires, work. They all seem to be minor changes compared to now, but maybe every change seems minor in heindsight.

But, this is about disconnection, which is also about change, and loss, and pain. I aspire to such great things but don’t know how to get my footing in the now in order to achieve them. I live by trial and error these days, awash in uncertainty and trying to find pleasure in every day no matter how disconnected I feel.

I need grounding, something to prove to me that what I’m doing is right, is working, but I think I can only find that in myself.

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