Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

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Pleasurists #43

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via sexy_photo

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #42? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #44? Submit it here before Sunday August 30th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Note: No Editor’s Pick again this week, instead enter one of the many many contests that are going on!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

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Desire for One

I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.

I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.

From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.

Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.

I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.

I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.

Size & Sexuality Study – N.N.*

adipositivity124Number 124 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the twelfth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

This set of responses comes anonymously from a 28 year old “femme (sometimes ultra-femme) female” lesbian who is “As married as I can be in Virginia.”

What size is your body?

I am a size 20 – currently 235 pounds – so definitely large

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?

Not so comfortable now, since I just gained 40 pounds in a year, after losing those same 40 pounds the year before.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?

I’ve been large my entire life. Two years ago, I actually managed to start losing weight and dropped 40 pounds, and 2 dress sizes – I was actually buying clothes in the regular sections, not the plus size. I felt pretty okay with my body before the weight loss, but then really felt great afterwards. I was wearing much more form fitting clothes and went out a lot more. Thats when I met my wife, and was pretty confidant the whole time, which is partly why she was attracted. Then, I had to start some new medicine, and all the weight came back. Since then, I’ve been very negative towards my body – I know I’ve been driving my wife nuts with the negative talk – and I’m trying to get back into losing the weight again, and stop the negative back talk.

How important is sexuality to your life?

Very – I love sex. Our bedroom is a shrine to our combined nymphomaniac sex and sex toy addictions. Well, not quite addictions, but I’m not saying no anytime soon. I know the best way to cure a headache is sex :)

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?

I love sex – and since I’ve come out, its been a much more positive relationship. When I was younger, and still trying to fit into the heterosexist norms, I was very promiscuous, because I craved sex and the closeness with another human being, but on the other hand, hated being that close to a man. I would actually get physically ill afterwards sometimes, and of course, I was the most stereotypical commitment-phobe – no one came to my place, and I never had breakfast. But after accepting myself for who I am, and getting over the ingrained homophobia, I’ve never loved it more! Unfortunately, with the weight gain, I’ve found myself more reluctant, but my wife always makes me feel so sexy when we’re getting to it!

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?

Not so much now that I’m larger – if I can lose the weight again, I think I would be much more comfortable. Definitely will not be going to fetish ball in my leather corset this year.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?

Rather uncomfortable – at least it seems that the younger folks are. Even when I was under 200, the people attracted to me were usually older – thirties, forties and even fifties. Younger girls (and guys when at a hetero bar) would sometimes even make nasty comments. But when I was confidant about my body, it seemed that most of the mature people were very positive about my overtly sexual attire – but now, with the extra weight and lowered confidence, I’m not sure it would go over as well.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?

I think since I actually lost weight for the first time in my life (as opposed to just gaining), when I did gain it back again, I was much more negatively affected than ever before. It was almost like a I got a glimpse of life on the thin(ner) side, and now can’t accept the change. This might be okay if it could be a positive influence, but I’ve never lost weight when I’m trying to lose weight – I lost weight by giving up on losing weight and just trying to get more healthy. My sex drive, while still healthy, has also dropped off some since the weight gain, and I think its because of how self-conscious I am about my body now. Plus, with the new weight gain, I’m not as proportioned as I used to be – used to, I didn’t like my size and I was hourglass – now I’m an apple, and look like bigger than my size, so its been a difficult adjustment.

Anything else you would like to add?

I’d love to hear what others have said! Especially the skinny women who always stand in front of us big women and complain how fat they are – I’ve always wondered if they really think that, or if they are just fishing for compliments (which, by the way, I never give – Instead I suggest weight watchers ;)

*N.N. stands for “nomen nescio”, Latin for “I don’t know the name.”

Disconnected

I’ve been feeling disconnected with the world lately, both offline and on. A lot of this started when the triad formed, but also it has been going on increasingly since I stopped working and this long over-a-year that I haven’t been able to get a job.

I was so hopeful for a job I interviewed for last Friday. I have yet to hear back and that is sinking me down into sadness. Couple that with both my partners being distant and on-edge and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.

I’m writing this from the park, a wonderful place for some introspection and thought. The world around me feels more and more like a mystery every day, and I continually feel unable to grasp it, like the tangible reality I built over the last however many years is slipping away from me and I’m not sure how to get it back. How can I connect with a world that doesn’t seem to want me or work for me? I’m trying to figure this out. The only answer I have come to is to build a new world around me, so I’m trying to do just that.

I’m having a difficult time with it, though. Looking back I have reconstructed my reality multiple times. Every time I move or any of those fundimental aspects of my life change: location, company, desires, work. They all seem to be minor changes compared to now, but maybe every change seems minor in heindsight.

But, this is about disconnection, which is also about change, and loss, and pain. I aspire to such great things but don’t know how to get my footing in the now in order to achieve them. I live by trial and error these days, awash in uncertainty and trying to find pleasure in every day no matter how disconnected I feel.

I need grounding, something to prove to me that what I’m doing is right, is working, but I think I can only find that in myself.

Pleasurists #42

Note: I’m having posting issues on Pleasurists this week, so #42 is being posted here this week. Apparently it’s working now. Posted here on Pleasurists.


via Darker Sights & Sounds

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #41? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #43? Submit it here before Sunday August 16th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Note: No Editor’s Pick this week, instead enter one of the many many contests that are going on!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

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Write Like Noone is Reading

I’ve never been one to be huge on stats. Although I definitely think they’re interesting and I love looking around at who got to my sites from where and what they looked at I don’t care much for numbers. I would rather have dedicated readers that care and comment then hundreds of readers who only sort of pay attention. For that matter, even if I didn’t have anyone reading this blog I would still be writing it, because it’s as much for me as it is for you… or maybe more for me.

Lately I’ve not been writing as much as I had been previously, basically since my relationship with Marla really took off. I regret that and really wish I had been posting more stuff about not just our relationship but also my everyday life and what is going on. Part of the reason I haven’t is I’m not sure what I want to reveal and what I don’t. When Onyx and I used to have issues I would voice them here, but in the last year or so I’ve tended to sugarcoat things more often than not, afraid that something will be taken the wrong way or taken as a constant even if it is a passing annoyance.

This is the trap of publishing something, even online. Once it’s down in text and out there for anyone to see it becomes more difficult to take back just by nature of being out there. Language is powerful, as I have preached before in other circumstances, but I think I’m overthinking things, as per usual. I need an outlet of some kind, and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.

So I’m going to try to write like noone is reading, write for myself rather than anyone else. I’ve been contemplating utilizing the password protection feature of wordpress, or even my livejournal which has sat practically unused since I started this blog, but that doesn’t appeal to me as much as having an open and honest space to spill my inner monologue and just get it out there. I’m just worried that a mind dump will be detrimental rather than helpful because it will do lasting damage that outweighs the satisfaction of getting my feelings out there. Then again, this may not be a bad thing.

Granted, this has never been a complete dumping ground for my random thoughts, I do have structure and I do keep in mind that these words are read, and I have often avoided more personal subjects (relatively speaking, as sex and relationships are definitely personal but a personal of a different kind. However, I have a tendency to hold everything in until I explode and I don’t want to do that. I just need to figure out the best way to do that.

Pleasurists #41


via Breathtakers

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #40? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #41? Submit it here before Sunday August 16th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

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Let's Talk About Sex

Let's have a frank discussion about our favorite sexual positions

When did sex become such a big deal? I mean, don’t get me wrong, my spirituality is heavily tied in with sex and sexuality, and in many ways it is a big deal, but at the same time who cares. Sex is fun and I, personally, like my sex to have laughter and a feeling of casual exploartion and passion. I want it to be free to be what it is, be it led by one person or another taking on a Top role, or just a casual fun exciting time had by all, but it feels like sex has become much more than that.

I want sex to be people having fun and exploring each other’s bodies (exploring regardless of how many other times the people involved have the bumps and nooks and crannys of the others ingrained in to their memory). There should be something new every time, even if the routine or props or positions are similar, because every time is a new time to be intimate and explore. I want sex to be fun.

Lately I feel like sex has so many other connotations. Onyx and Marla aren’t really sexual with each other separately, we three have been sexual together and I have been sexual with each of them, and there are so many implications that sex with one or both of them has to the relationship at large. I know it’s necessary to a point, of course, because sex does have implications and connotations but at the same time I just want sex to be sex.

Onyx and I have been having sex for four years, nearly five if you count cyber and phone sex, and yet in the past few months our sex has changed rather dramatically, though not in a bad way. Our sex and, for that matter, our sexual and relational dynamic has always been fluid and subject to change.

I felt guilty for being able to have sex with him and not being able to have sex with Marla when she was still 3000 miles away, and since she’s been here I’ve wavered back and forth over actually wanting to have sex with Onyx, mostly because of an incident we had after she moved which I haven’t written about. I should clarify, never have I not wanted to have sex with him, but there have been times I’ve been indifferent as my NRE with Marla was coursing strong and I was rather obsessed with her.

Lately, the last week or so, I’ve been feeling the NRE slowly melting into just plain ol’ relationship energy as Marla and I get used to being around each other and living with each other. That’s not to say the passion and desire isn’t still there, but it’s not as much of a driving need as it was, although we do still need and want and crave each other, but in a more realistic way I feel. It’s difficult to explain.

Marla and I have always had great sex, it’s at times incredibly hot and at other times incredibly goofy, and it has been like that since the first time we fucked. We feel free and comfortable with each other and we both seem to know certain buttons to push on the other as well to turn them on quickly.

With the three of us sex has been complicated, for Marla and myself especially I think as we both have more possessive tendencies than Onyx does, and seeing the other with him has frequently been difficult. I haven’t had to deal with Marla and Onyx having sex without me yet, and I’m both terrified and excited for when it actually does happen, as I think it will change a lot of things and enhance their relationship as well as the triad but at the same time I’m worried about how I will react to it. I have not yet mastered the art of compersion as they haven’t interacted enough to give me practice at it.

I think some of the complications could be taken from it if we can get back to thinking of sex as casual and taking away the potential negative connotations to it, though that’s much easier said than done of course and I’m not really sure how to do that. I want to put the fun and the goofy back in sex with all three of us, and to get to a place where we can all be comfortable and happy. I am confident this will be able to happen, right now it’s a question of when.

Four Years

It's remarkable how long we've tolerated each other

July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.

This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.

August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.

We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.

Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.

Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.

Pleasurists #40

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via taraxos

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #39? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #41? Submit it here before Sunday August 9th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

  • Femblossom with heat by Carnivalesq
  • I really did not think I was going to like the heat feature. I thought it would be too hot, or that the heat just wouldn’t be my thing, or that the Emotional Bliss people were downright weird for making a heated vibrator. I’m so glad to tell you kind folks that I was dead wrong.

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