taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin, a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→

Archive for the ‘Colophon’



Shiny and New

For a while now, really ever since I switched from Femmeinist Fucktoy to Femme Fagette I’ve been unsure of that blog name. Even when I made the switch I was hesitant because my identities are fluid and I tend to shift and change and rearrange myself often. I have wanted something a little less identity based and a little more solid. I couldn’t figure out what, though, and I liked (and still like) Femme Fagette, so I went with it.

I mentioned a couple posts ago that I was thinking about changing my blog name but didn’t yet know to what. You may or may not have noticed the switch yesterday from Femme Fagette to Purveyor of Pleasure. The URL changed as well to ofpleasure.com (I also got purveyorofpleasure.com and it’s pointing to this blog as well, but ofpleasure.com seems much simpler, easier to remember, and cleaner). It is less identity-based and a phrase I’ve been using for a while on my business cards. Of course now I have to get new ones printed. Dammit.

Hopefully, if you’re reading this through RSS, nothing should have changed for you since you should be getting my RSS feed through feedburner. Also, if you came here via a link from another site or are looking at the main page the URL should be different but it should still take you to the right place. This change will mess with my pagerank for a little while, but I think it’ll be worth it.

So, please, if you’re reading this, update your links if you haven’t already. Although it will automatically redirect to the right place it’s still best to have the correct link and title.

Also I put up a new layout on Wanton Lotus, so take a look at that as well.

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Finding My Track

Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked. I think leaving school was what really did it, I needed a break from the massive amount of reading theory that I had done, quite unsuccessfully near the end. I enjoyed it all but had gotten to a point where I was just inputting far too much for my brain to handle and I was wanting to focus on other things. Things like relationships. And suddenly I had money to worry about. I just got distracted. That’s not to say there isn’t a place for posts that I’ve been doing, but I want to get back to writing interesting theory and I’m worried my intellectual muscles have atrophied.

Now next month will mark the two year anniversary of officially being out of school, and I’ve been doing that life-stock thing. I really used to enjoy writing on this blog, but now it seems like the inspiration doesn’t come as easily as it used to. I have about fifteen thousand books I’m trying to read all at once, and a lot of my current focus is on the metaphysical. I could start writing about that sort of stuff here, but I also have ten thousand other blogs that I write for.

I keep thinking that I’m spreading myself too thin, or dividing my attention too many places, and I’m trying to figure out what to keep doing and what to lose, what I can spend my time on and what I can’t. It’s not an easy process, I want to do everything, but having so many projects and ideas I end up working on them all but not actually producing finished work for anything.

Now, back to what I talked about a while ago regarding life goals for a bit. I have a few things in mind and am working on buffing up my astrology muscles to the point where I can feel comfortable charging people for readings. I may start offering free short email and/or phone consultations to get into the spirit of that as well, we’ll see.

I’ve realized I have just too damn many interests and things I want to do, which is really quite unfortunate in some ways as I never have enough hours in the day to get everything done! I am trying to set goals and deadlines for myself and I’m thinking that doing something like blocking facebook on my computer would be a good idea. Heh.

I’m trying to re-conceptualize what I want to do with this blog. I still want to write about personal things but I’m also trying to expand my scope and I’m wondering if I might need to change something. I want to do something like my Size and Sexuality Study again, and I may start posting some of the finished surveys I still have yet to publish from that if there is any interest. Perhaps I will do something to build on what I already started to do. I keep being seduced with the idea of starting up yet another blog, but am trying to refrain, I’ve actually gotten rid of two in the last few weeks that I wasn’t updating so I could use the space for something else.

I’m thinking of ways to spruce up Wanton Lotus as well and have a list of Products 101 posts that I really want to do and have had in the works forever and a day, like how to choose the right lube for you or some general product safety information, but I haven’t gotten around to writing it. I also want to start posting a review round-up on this blog again like I used to mentioning the reviews that I’ve done on Wanton Lotus for readers of this blog who don’t read that blog.

Mostly I need to just set myself deadlines and stick to them, that’s what I did during the time I was posting once a day way back when, I told myself I had to post something every day and so I did. Now I have so many blogs and projects I need to figure out how to divide my time accordingly.

I’m developing a schedule, though, and trying to get a list of things I want to write about so that I don’t feel so lost for good topics. I’m thinking I might start talking about spiritual aspects of myself on this blog as well. We’ll see.

Anything you would like to see more of? Any questions you have or topics that you want me to write about? Let me know, I’d be happy to.

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Protected Posts

I find myself thinking about doing more protected posts in the future. I have mentioned that you simply need to contact me to get the password for protected posts, but I know it’s a good idea to post something on here too.

So, if you would like to read the previous protected post and any/all that may come up in the future simply comment here and I will send the password to you via email. If for some reason you do not want others to know you are reading my protected posts you can also DM me on twitter if I am following you (and if I’m not following you and I should be feel free to comment here telling me your twitter name as well so I can follow you), or send an email to Lotus AT ScarletStSyr.com and I will respond!

Also, on a completely separate geeky note, I purchased http://scarletlot.us/ and am now using it specifically as a domain for short urls (similar to tinyurl or bit.ly) for my own sites. I love it.

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Write Like Noone is Reading

I’ve never been one to be huge on stats. Although I definitely think they’re interesting and I love looking around at who got to my sites from where and what they looked at I don’t care much for numbers. I would rather have dedicated readers that care and comment then hundreds of readers who only sort of pay attention. For that matter, even if I didn’t have anyone reading this blog I would still be writing it, because it’s as much for me as it is for you… or maybe more for me.

Lately I’ve not been writing as much as I had been previously, basically since my relationship with Marla really took off. I regret that and really wish I had been posting more stuff about not just our relationship but also my everyday life and what is going on. Part of the reason I haven’t is I’m not sure what I want to reveal and what I don’t. When Onyx and I used to have issues I would voice them here, but in the last year or so I’ve tended to sugarcoat things more often than not, afraid that something will be taken the wrong way or taken as a constant even if it is a passing annoyance.

This is the trap of publishing something, even online. Once it’s down in text and out there for anyone to see it becomes more difficult to take back just by nature of being out there. Language is powerful, as I have preached before in other circumstances, but I think I’m overthinking things, as per usual. I need an outlet of some kind, and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.

So I’m going to try to write like noone is reading, write for myself rather than anyone else. I’ve been contemplating utilizing the password protection feature of wordpress, or even my livejournal which has sat practically unused since I started this blog, but that doesn’t appeal to me as much as having an open and honest space to spill my inner monologue and just get it out there. I’m just worried that a mind dump will be detrimental rather than helpful because it will do lasting damage that outweighs the satisfaction of getting my feelings out there. Then again, this may not be a bad thing.

Granted, this has never been a complete dumping ground for my random thoughts, I do have structure and I do keep in mind that these words are read, and I have often avoided more personal subjects (relatively speaking, as sex and relationships are definitely personal but a personal of a different kind. However, I have a tendency to hold everything in until I explode and I don’t want to do that. I just need to figure out the best way to do that.

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I *heart* Sexy Bloggers

The wonderful luna from BDSM is Love has given me a Sexy Blogger Award (award image below) and had this to say about me:

She makes me proud to be a woman of size. Her thoughts and passions have me transfixed.

I can’t explain how happy reading just that little blurb made me, especially the first sentence. I was both touched and flattered by her sentiment.

Her reasoning behind choosing me is definitely worth more to me than the “award” given in the meme. I’m not huge on awards in general, but I think they can be fun and a great way to give kudos to others and generally highlight others and bring more attention to them, which is great. This meme seems to be going around the blog circles I fit in, and it’s always wonderful to be included.


According to luna there are two rules to receiving this:
“You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people.”

I’m not going to deny the opportunity to pass on some nice sentiment to others, and it’s always fun to receive something like this from someone unexpected so here we go. I’m having a very difficult time with the five sexy things, I’m really not that into bragging about myself and that’s what this feels like, but, here we go…

Five sexy things

  1. Despite the fact that society tells me I shouldn’t be sexy as a woman of considerable girth, I don’t let that stop me from expressing and enjoying my sexuality. This is what made me so elated when part of luna’s reason for choosing me for this was because: “She makes me proud to be a woman of size.” I’ll admit it’s not always easy to be sexually confident in general let alone when society says that you’re not supposed to for various reasons (not just limited to large women, of course), and to know that I make someone, anyone, feel a little better about themselves is incredible.
  2. I’m open and honest about who I am for the most part. Despite the amount I spill my soul on here I am somewhat guarded about sharing deep feelings or ideas I have to others I don’t know very well, however, I don’t let that guardedness keep me from being as authentically me as I possibly can: a sexual deviant who is open about and comfortable with what she does, and doesn’t try to pretend to be something or someone else. I think that’s sexy, anyway.
  3. While body mods are all the rage these days I really do think that my eight tattoos and thirty-some-odd piercings really do enhance my body, not only by calling attention to some of the sexiest parts of myself but also because the tattoos and piercings themselves are sexy (or so I like to think). I put a lot of thought and detail to every one of them, and think they also show my comfortability with my body which is also sexy.
  4. My brain is the sexiest part of me, or so it likes to think (har har). I may overanalyze most times, but I also think that people are more attracted to my intellect than anything else about me (not to say people aren’t attracted to other parts of me too, but I think the brain is the best part of the package).
  5. My partners: they are both so sexy that I must be sexy too, right? They inspire me and encourage me to be confident in my sexuality, and they fill my heart with such joy it radiates from me which I think is sexy.

My four sexy bloggers

There are SO many sexy bloggers out there it’s not even right to only choose four, but the ones below are the first ones that popped into my head, and a few of the other ones I’d choose have already been awarded this from others. If I had my way I would give one to everyone in the “friends & lovers” section of my links, and probably others that I’ve forgotten to include there as well. The problem with picking just four is there are so many other people left out, but, I’m sticking to the rules of the meme, otherwise it would take me forever to list everyone!

Gabe and Elizabeth – They blog over on Pornocracy and put an extremely sexy video out recently. I feel that may of our values and ideas are very similar, which endears me to them automatically, and in addition to that they are highly sexy individuals and overwhelmingly sexy as a pair!
Not sure if I should count them as one or two, but since it’s a sexy blogger award vs. sexy blog award I think they count as two.

Amber – of Divergent Dance. Another person I feel I have similar ideas with, she is a tomboy femme among other similarities, and I have come to think of her friendship quite fondly. I think she and her writing are both super sexy and am always excited when she has a new post for me to read to get another slice of her life, gender, love, or sexuality.

Marla – Last but certainly not least there’s no way I could leave my long-distance love out of this, for she is incredibly sexy and blogs over at Confessions of Promiscuity. There is no question that I find her extremely sexy, she fits in with Onyx and I so perfectly and just everything about her makes me want to ravage her and make her come over and over until she begs for me to stop… but I digress. She just posted her first piece of erotica inspired by yours truly, so you can read how amazingly sexy she and her ideas are!

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Out with the Old, In with the New

Back at the end of January I was contemplating a domain change. I bought the domain Femme Fagette.Com but left it mirroring Femmeinist Fucktoy since then, unsure of what to do about it, but now I’ve decided.

This blog is now officially “Femme Fagette: A sex positive multigendered fat queer poly switch exploring gender, sexuality, and the pitfalls of of an overanalytical nature.” Basically the same as Femmeinist Fucktoy has always been, but now with a better fitting title and more descriptive subtitle.

My basic reasoning behind changing is that Femmeinist Fucktoy just doesn’t resonate with me anymore, it hasn’t for quite a while now, really, but I kept it mostly because I didn’t want to change it. It’s time, though. A large proponent of this was my last post and my recognition or realization of coming further in to this femme fagette identity and understanding it more. Keeping Femmeinist Fucktoy after that just didn’t seem right.

This feels more like home now. I’m a little worried that in not too long Femme Fagette won’t feel right or like me either, but I don’t have a better alternative for my new site name. I want something personal and that touches on what I am trying to express, and I can’t get that without the possibility of change in the future. There’s nothing in me that is not subject to change, but all I can do is embrace what I feel in the present and be open to change as it comes.

FemmeinistFucktoy.com will automatically re-direct here, the feed is still the same, so nothing should really be disturbed too much in this name change. You don’t have to do anything but sit back and continue to enjoy. Oh, and comment once in a while.

If you have me linked on your site please change the link to Femme Fagette, and if you don’t have me linked feel free to add me now.

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Toy Reviewing Changes

I heart sex toys
Made by me.

Taking a tip from Bad Bad Girl I’m actually going to be changing around the way I do toy reviews on this blog.

Not too long ago I acquired WantonLotus.com and cross-posted all my reviews there. In the last few Pleasurists I have been linking to reviews on Wanton Lotus as opposed to here, kind of slowly transitioning my reviews from here to there, in a way. Now I have decided to do more than that.

While I will post on here with reviewed toys once a week it will be a brief summary of the toys I have reviewed, no more than three a week and probably more like two. I will list some of the basic elements of the toy and a link to the toy site but leave it to you to decide if you would like to go over to Wanton Lotus and read the entire review. I know many people will, just as I do this with Bad Bad Girl on her BBG Toys site.

Basically doing this will enable me to post multiple reviews on that site, possibly scheduling them to come out Mon-Wed-Fri or Tues-Wed-Thurs or something like that and not worry about having this site taken over by toy reviews.

Though I have been thinking about doing this for quite a while, as I have had Wanton Lotus for quite some time and that was part of the idea for getting the site, the catalyst for this was my post on Sex Toys and Sex Blogs. Like I said on there:

While I enjoy reading reviews and I do review a lot of toys I have always done it one of two ways. First, I started reviewing one toy a week. Easy, simple, one toy a week, with posts in between. Then, when I started to get more companies I was reviewing for, I moved that to two reviews a week (rarely, but sometimes three), but I had to have at least four posts between them. Why four posts? Well… I don’t really know. But that’s what I set for myself. I thought it was a good number, and I’ve had a lot to write about lately. Sometimes that number didn’t happen, sometimes it was two, sometimes it was six, etc. but, that was the goal. I’ve always made sure to have other content along side my reviews.

But now this method isn’t working for me, mostly because I’ve had writers block lately and have been unable to sit down and write the way I want and need to. I’ve also been busy exploring a new city and looking for a job, so I haven’t been writing as much even when I can write.

I also have more and more products that I want to review. Not just toys that are sent to me, though those are definitely a big part of it, but also books I read and older toys that I have. I have this desire to have a somewhat comprehensive idea of what is in my toybox represented by my reviews. I want to re-write some of my older reviews to be better and more comprehensive.

In addition to toy-specific posts I also want to start writing some Toy Info 101 posts as well, such as Material Safety, How to Choose a Toy, Floggers 101, Harnesses 101, etc. I know there are other sites who have articles like this, but these would be mine. I also want to write non toy-oriented ones for this site, but that’s a whole different topic.

Why do I want to do all this? Because I think reviews are important. I enjoy reading reviews and think that others enjoy reading them too. I think that they’re helpful for people who buy toys to get a good idea of products. Sure, there are lots of toy reviews saturating the sex blogging world right now, but I have a passion for toys, and I’m happy to exploit the opportunity to test out more toys, learn about toys, and share that knowledge with others.

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Rolling Around My Brain

A few quick thoughts tonight. I feel like I have so much to write about and so much to do lately that I’m not really getting anything done, which irritates me. More posts to come!

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote lately, from PoMoSexuals “Identity Sedition and Pornography” by Pat Califia p. 88 emphasis mine:

Just to set the record straight: I am a female-bodied person who writes about every kind of person I can imagine. Although I briefly contemplated sex reassignment when I was much younger, I decided that would not resolve my gender conflicts. I’m never sure if I have a gender dysphoria or species dysphoria. I often try to explain that I’m really a starfish trapped in a human body and I’m very new to your planet. Or that in fact I am a woman trapped in a man’s body, which really confuses other people but makes sense to me.

It’s fitting where I feel I fit, where I’ve felt for a while. The drag queen masculine femininity that I cling to, the femme fagette in me that is starting to come out even more. I’ve found a better way to express it lately I think, which is making me indescribably joyful, and I’m discovering more about it too, which makes me even more happy.

Onyx and I went into Babeland tonight and looked around. I pointed out toys I wanted, toys that are (hopefully) coming to me soon, and things like that. I had my first encounter with Mr. Bendy while looking at dildos and soft packs and he’s seriously lustable! I kind of (very much) want one, great for packing and playing, which I like.

I’m toying with the idea of packing more often, but as I primarily wear skirts and dresses I would need a soft pack or a cock like Mr. Bendy that will stay bent.

The other thoughts rolling around my brain is that Femmeinist Fucktoy isn’t resonating with me as much as it used to. It went down when I discovered my switchness however long ago, as fucktoy is a very bottom-centric term, and it’s gone down again now that fagette is a larger part of my identity as well.

I also don’t talk as much about feminist-oriented things as I thought I would when I started this blog. Granted, I do believe that talking about gender and sexuality is a feminist act, but that’s not quite the same as being a feminist blog.

My point in bringing this up is that I’m pondering changing the name, and therefore also the URL of the blog. It’s easyish to transition to another URL and name, but what I’m thinking of changing it to is Femme Fagette.

In talking with Onyx about this he mentioned that naming the blog after an identity might not be the best thing to do, as my identities tend to fluctuate rapidly. While I agree with that I feel like this identity will stay around for a while, but I don’t really know that for sure. Thoughts?

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November in a Glance

I’m doing this post round-up both for you my readers and for myself, it helps me to categorize what I have done and written, to see what areas I talk about most, what things I may want to talk about next month, and where my relationship(s) have been and how they have developed over the last month.

November was a big month for me, the largest post-wise so far, and my first time attempting to participate in NaNoWriMo, though I didn’t win but I have a better idea for what I want to do next year, or for when I choose to work out a plot and try to write a novel on my own. It was an eye-opening experience even though I didn’t complete a novel.

Huge things happened here in the US in November, which, unless you’ve been hiding under a rock somewhere, you have no doubt heard about. Barack Obama is our President Elect, and Proposition 8 in California has sparked a great queer rights insurgence. It’s pretty fantastic.

I didn’t realize how many reviews I had actually popped out during November, but I’ve really been trying to make up for having more reviews with at least twice the amount of non-review posts. I started doing at least two reviews per week in November, sometimes more.



fat femme

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  • I couldn’t resist posting the video of Keith Olbermann on Prop 8, along with everyone else. It’s amazing and powerful, and deserves to be spread as far and wide as possible.

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October in a Glance

I’m doing this post round-up both for you my readers and for myself, it helps me to categorize what I have done and written, to see what areas I talk about most, what things I may want to talk about next month, and where my relationship(s) have been and how they have developed over the last month.

Holy wow, is it really November already? It seems like just yesterday I was astounded that it was October, now it’s been another month. Insanity. November is going to be exciting, most notably the 4th, I think. If you read this via RSS reader and haven’t stopped by my site you probably haven’t noticed the new addition to my sidebar, and Obama Pride image and a little blurb saying I support Barack Obama.

But, back to October, since that’s what this post is really about. In October, Onyx and I switched for the first time, which ended up working well. I posted a little less than I had the last few months, I fell off the posting structure I had set out before, but I have a new one to implement.

Also, I just hit 100 Subscribers! Which is pretty exciting! I wish there was a way for me to be able to tell who was my 100th subscriber, ’cause I totally would love to send them something, but I may just have to have a contest instead… more on that in November!


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  • There was a series of Identity Musing posts which delved into my gender identity progression from as far back as I remember. It was a three-part series which led to some personal insights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

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