It was nothing strict or formal or fancy, we’ve never really been any of those things. We just talked.

We talked about how we got to collaring in the first place five years ago: when it happened, where it happened. We talked about the past five years and highlights of our relationship. We talked about how we got back to collaring and the changes that have taken place over the past year especially but over all our time together.

He told me he is proud to own me. I told him I am proud to be owned by him. And I am.

The hard cool steel slid around my neck and he screwed it in place. I have not taken it off since, nor do I plan to for as long as possible (probably not until the next time we fly, to be practical). It’s heavy and the weight of it constantly reminds me of his ownership. I love being reminded.

He used me then, emphasizing his ownership, dragging me into the bedroom by my hair and fucking me until we were both exhausted and spent. We cuddled and murmured our “I love you”s and talked more about the symbolism of the collar. He said he loves the way it looks. I couldn’t agree more.

We’ve come so far in the last five years. Both of us have changed so incredibly much, I would go so far as to say we just got more alike over the years, even more perfect of a fit. We’ve both settled so happily into these roles, as well, in a way I always dreamed that we would but always wondered if it was possible. Now I know it is. He’s amazing.

My new collar is a custom made 3/8 inch thick stealth collar from Ring of Steel. It has an onyx inlaid in the center and two garnets on either side for five gems in total. It’s so us, so perfect, and exactly what I wanted. He’s exactly what I wanted.

Just like everything else the needs of poly people can change quite often. Since Onyx and I got back together and I returned to Seattle we have had quite a few casual play experiences but neither of us have really been interested in another new relationship. I think at least partially this is because we were both so burned by the last one, but mostly because of the change in our dynamic and activities.

We’ve both gotten considerably more involved in the local occult community than we ever really have been before while we’ve been together. Our D/s-slash-O/p relationship is also far more solid and working. Also we both are working a lot and I’ve been taking a certification class recently. Add all this up together and it means we have just about enough time for each other, let alone someone else.

This is one of the drawbacks of being poly: even with a desire for another relationship there is a point when it comes down to how much time you feasibly have for a new relationship. Now, all of this isn’t to say that either of us would be against a new relationship should something develop organically (the only way we would want it to anyway), but neither of us is actively looking for another partner.

That being said I do still feel the pang of desire for being with a woman. I need a woman in my life with which to have an intimate relationship, that is just a fundamental truth at this point. I’m confident, however, that I will find someone when the time is right. There are just too many things that I am working on and that Onyx and I are working on together so there isn’t much room for anything else. I am very much still poly, as is Onyx, but that doesn’t mean we’re out there actively looking for new relationships.

This isn’t abnormal for poly people, in fact while in the midst of writing this post I came upon the term polysaturated⁰¹ which describes what I’m feeling quite perfectly, except I only currently have one partner but many many activities.

This all said, not looking for a relationship also does not exclude the possibility of casual and play partners, in my opinion. Something with friendship and emotions but without being “serious” would be ideal for me at this point in time. I would love the opportunity for purposefully casual play with friends as we’ve already explored a little.

This desire has definitely encouraged me to get looking around more at the local kink community, which I am already making plans to get more into. Not just to find causal play partners but to friend friends first and foremost. While there is definitely bleed over between the occult and the kinky scenes here in Seattle it’s also not a ready topic to be broached with a new acquaintance at occult social events.

Anyone who is already friends with me on FetLife may have noticed that I’ve been on there more lately and I’ve especially been looking at events in my area and tirelessly ticking “going to” or “might be going to” when I find one that interests me. Onyx has been doing much the same. We already signed up for a Delving Into Power workshop with Lee Harrington in February which we’re both very much looking toward. Plus the weekend intensive class I’m taking is over next weekend so we will have more opportunity to go to events than we have in the last two months.

I’ve been slowly pulling our focus toward kink as well as everything else that we’re doing, as I’m sure you may have noticed if you’ve been reading this blog at all the last couple months. Whether or not this happened because of starting the 30 Days of Kink or I started the 30 Days of Kink because my focus was already shifting to kink-related areas is a definite chicken and egg scenario. Regardless, it’s happening.

I’m really looking forward to getting into the community here, and I’m sure I will share as that journey moves along. Perhaps the ebb and flow of poly needs and desires will change once again through this exploration.

1. via Gabe on FetLife [↩]

There are days where all day my thoughts continue to come back to complete control. Lately it’s been giving up complete control to another, to the point where my clothes and activities are all laid out for me and presented in an unquestionable manner. All I do is in service and dedication to the other. All I am is an assistant to improve their life and quality of living and a toy for them to play with.

It’s an enchanting scenario for me, though logically I know it’s not something I could stand on a daily basis. Not without some radical personality changes, that is. I admire those that could do it, though, able to set ego aside completely and simply live in dedicated service to another being. Perhaps what that is what compels me about it.

I wonder if the fantasy would be better than the reality. If I would get irritable and selfish, or grumpy. If I could actually do it for a day or a few.

I’ve been attracted to the idea of control for as long as I remembered. It started as a fascination with consensual non-consent and rough ravishment play. The idea of force is little but taking power over another, controlling the other, turning the other person helpless. It may be the helpless aspect I’m attracted to most of all, being completely at the whim of another person.

The control that Onyx exerts over me, that I have given to him, I think that it could expand to anything he chooses. My relation to control has changed so dramatically in the last year or two. I find myself wanting to give control over to him more and more, getting rid of any expectations and taking pleasure in doing as he demands.

I feel submissive in a different way than I used to, and I like it.

I used to be so much more resistant than I am now. I was defiant and bratty, but not for the sake of fun because I felt somehow threatened by giving my power away, maybe because I was doing that unconsciously in a different way already, but that’s another post.

We don’t play with power as deeply⁰¹ as I would like to, though we’ve been playing deeper than we have before. What I mean by “deep” is, in a way, the same as “more” in that he has more control, more power, and has been embracing that. I don’t think there’s anything inherently better about playing more deeply, but it is simply something I want to explore.

A few nights ago I brought this up, and I hope I helped to dissolve some of the fears Onyx has about it. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to figure out if he has a genuine interest in something or if he’s just willing to try it to appease me. Perhaps it doesn’t matter either way because trying it could end up giving him a genuine interest in it.

Since then I’ve felt a bit of a shift, and I hope it continues until our re-collaring on the 19th.

1. for lack of a better term [↩]

Five years ago on November 19th Onyx collared me for the first time. We were in my apartment in Ashland, Oregon at the time. He lived in Salt Lake City and was visiting for the weekend.

We had been together long distance for only about five months when Onyx collared me the first time. He’s bought me a few different leather collars over the years, most of them have deteriorated in some way due to 24/7 wear. Currently I wear a heart-shaped necklace that he bought for me for the holidays in 2007 as my collar.

So much has happened since this collar was bought, not to mention since he first collared me, especially with our D/s dynamics, that I have been longing for a new collar. I wanted a permanent collar, one that would stand up to 24/7 wear. I began looking around at collars, not mindful of the anniversary that was coming up. We have been talking about getting me a metal collar with gems for years⁰¹ and I found a different style than we were looking at all those years ago, but a better style. We finally have it in our possession. It arrived in the mail today.

Since I have to wait to wear it until the 19th you have to wait to see it until the 19th. Though some of you have seen it already (cheaters).

I wanted something sturdy, something he could use to choke me with if he so chooses⁰², and something that could be locked. I got all of those things. It also has onyx and garnet gems inlaid in it, just like we were wanting years ago.

In some ways I feel like we’re finally getting to the place where we wanted to be all those years ago, the relationship we both wanted to have that we just couldn’t get to. I think a lot of that was me, though we both had hangups before. We’re at such a solid place now it’s almost ridiculous.

I’m not sure what he has planned for the (re-)collaring on this November the 19th, though I plan on asking him. It was so accidental⁰³ that I brought up wanting a new collar in time for us to get it right around our collaring anniversary. I’m looking forward not just to wearing the collar but for all it will represent: the rebirth of our relationship after breaking up last winter and finding each other again; his ownership of me and the different flavor our D/s-O/p has taken; our love and our bond which is now stronger than ever, transmuted from leather to steel.

For as long as I can remember I’ve seen collars as important and binding. As binding as a wedding ring, if not moreso, and far more preferable to me⁰⁴. His is the only collar I’ve ever accepted, and this relationship is the longest I’ve been in. I’m excited to show this renewed commitment to him and our relationship.

1. the conversation in that post happened before the November 19th visit in 2005 [↩]
2. since we do a lot of breath play this does not seem like too much of a request, though will definitely be risky, but we will examine the risks [↩]
3. or at least I was not consciously aware of the collaring anniversary until I looked it up [↩]
4. I am just not that big on marriage for various reasons [↩]

He straddles my waist where I lay and pins my arms against me. I’m still able to squirm but know that even if I tried to get free it would be difficult. Not that I want to try. I look up at him, helpless beneath him, and he just grins and slaps first my left cheek and then my right. I whimper my false protests as my cheeks turn rosy red and sting from the impact.

The same hand connects with each of my breasts in turn. I squirm and try to cover them but am unable to free my arms. He likes me like this: helpless, unable to stop his ravaging of my body as he chooses. I like me like this: helpless, without the ability to move or cover myself, knowing my protests will not stop him.

A few more slaps and he moves to unzip his pants, not bothering to take off his clothes or my own as he rises up a bit. He shifts enough to let my hungry mouth find his cock, or for him to shove it into my mouth. They both happen simultaneously. I try to move my head as best as I am able but for the most part he is just fucking my face. Yet he’s not just fucking my face, he’s telling me through his actions that I am his for the taking, and I’m lapping it up.

It doesn’t take him long to lean against the wall behind my head and really start moving his hips up and down, his cock gliding in and out of my wet mouth.

Occasionally as he fucks my face he presses all the way in until his balls hit my chin and I have difficulty breathing. Sometimes he pinches my nose shut when he does this. I fight my gag reflex for as long as possible before my throat contracts around his cockhead in the way I know he enjoys. I gag once and then twice at the minimum before he lets me breathe again.

He’s usually gracious and gives me a few breaths to recover with after gagging. I sometimes cough or sputter but always move my mouth toward his cock soon after, taking the initiative in a way even as I’m still trapped beneath him. Most often he will utilize this moment by slapping my face, or playing with my breasts or nipples.

Sometimes he will come in my mouth like this, but this time he moves down between my legs which spread easily for him and he slips his cock into my cunt, made wet from his rough treatment. My throat lets out a moan as I move to meet his thrust as best I can. He takes me effortlessly, occasionally grunting his own pleasure but mostly staying silent as my own sounds fill the air.

We move together for what seems like forever, I clench myself around him as he drives in and out of my wet cunt. I am able to hear my wetness with every movement, the realization of which makes me blush internally, my face already flushed from the activity. He moves my legs so they are up straight against him, my feet on his shoulders, changing the angle so his cockhead hits my g-spot perfectly. My moans change and hands start gripping the wall behind me for support.

Suddenly he pulls out and pushes my legs to the side, guiding me onto my knees. I catch a glimpse of his face which is devoid of expressive emotion. He is at once distant from me and present with me. He is treating me like his fucktoy and I am more than happy to receive it. I quickly move into the right position, backing my hips up against him until his hardness slips inside me again and he continues fucking me with renewed fervor.

I am in heaven for the next few minutes as his cock continues to stimulate my g-spot, the familiar feeling welling up in me, so akin to needing to pee yet not the same at all. I brace myself against the wall again as his movements become even more demanding, shoving my body forward with each thrust. I let my body move with the force of him while also pushing back. His hands are on my hips both to stabilize himself and to guide my movements, a constant reminder of his control.

He starts grunting even more, almost growling as he nears his orgasm, focused on taking his pleasure out on me, letting me feel the depth of his lust for me as I absorb it all into my being.

I am His in this moment, completely and utterly.

Soon he lets out a loud growl as he begins to come. I can feel him exploding in me and make sure to squeeze my cunt muscles tight around him, my feet move to hook around his shins as he kneels behind me, a small gesture.

Once movement stops we both pant for breath and he rolls us over onto our sides. Our clothes still separate our flesh from each other in most places. I can feel the roughness of his jeans against my ass.

Spooning, he wraps an arm around me, the other serving as my pillow. My hand entwines with his and my legs slip between his. My ankles rest on his shins. I am enveloped by him even as he is still enveloped by me. I am again trapped by his limbs, this time helpless against the love and comfort he provides.

Sinclair Sexsmith just put out this Call for Submissions on her blog and asked for it to be distributed. Since I like to post call for submissions on here to help spread the word here it is.

Call for Submissions: Lesbian BDSM Erotica Anthology [Title TBA]
To be published by Cleis Press in fall 2011

Editor Sinclair Sexsmith is looking for hot, sexy, well-written stories about kinky sex between queer women, from bondage scenarios to power play to role play to sadism and masochism to sensation play for a new anthology of lesbian BDSM erotica. Looking for characters with a range of age, race, sexual experience, gender identity and gender expression: butch, femme, genderqueer, gender-non-conforming, dapper, and others will all be considered. Cis women, trans women, and genderqueer characters who identify with the lesbian community are welcome. Stories should have strong literary voice, characters, tension, and rising action. All characters must be over 18. Prose only will be considered, no comics, graphic stories, or poetry. For examples of what I am looking for, see Tristan Taormino’s collection Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica.

Deadline: January 1, 2011

How to submit: Send your story in a Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document (.doc) with pages numbered of 1,500 to 5,000 words to lesbianbdsmerotica@gmail.com. Double space the document and indent the first line of each paragraph. US grammar required. If you are using a pseudonym, provide your real name and be clear under which you would like to be published. Include your mailing address and a 50 words or less bio in the third person. Publisher has final approval over the manuscript.

About the editor: Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at www.sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series, Sometimes She Lets Me: Butch/Femme Erotica, and Visible: A Femmethology volume 2, Mr. Sexsmith also writes columns for online publications and facilitates workshops on sex, gender, and relationships. Find her full portfolio and schedule at www.mrsexsmith.com.

Ever since I got back from Alaska Onyx and I have been playing on a different level. The level we both always wanted to but could never quite get to after I moved. The level we both, I think, crave. We have been a little more set in our roles than before and have been playing more with power.

Control for me is hot, being controlled or controlling another. It’s something I crave. Power play, to me, is a necessary part of sexuality. For a long while Onyx and I have been working on getting me to come on command. Basically what I mean by this is coming when he tells me to, when he allows me to. This is different than simply not coming until/unless he allowed me to, which we have been playing with for quite a while.

We started a long while ago with me simply having to ask for permission to come. I still do ask occasionally, but mostly now he just tells me when to come. It’s been a slow Pavlovian process. He would often draw stimulation out even after I had asked (and still does sometimes), but I would be sure not to come until after he had expressed it, thus instilling in my body’s responses to come when he tells me to.

We’ve gotten to the point that I think I have just about mastered this task. Now I rarely ask, usually he just tells me when to come and I do. It’s not the same kind of orgasm that I have alone, it’s not quite as deep, for lack of a better term. It’s still definitely an orgasm and I find that they are getting more intense as my body gets used to the aural trigger rather than the physical one. Regardless it’s definitely different, but not bad in the least.

I’m actually quite proud of it.

I like that his command can make me come even when my body isn’t quite yet ready to. It creates a response in me that I don’t want to control, it’s too delicious to feel under the control of his commands.

It’s quite exciting, really, not just in a sexual sense, but because this is something we have both been interested in and wanted for quite some time. It’s a symbol of our renewed dedication to each other and the ease with which we are playing with power in our relationship again after the events of last year.

This is the tenth of my 30 Days of Kink I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Most of my hard limits are pretty boring, I think. I draw the line at children, animals, dead things (including dead animals), scat, vore, rainbow showers, permanent damage, non-consensual abuse, things like that. The biggest slightly unusual hard limit is tickling. I absolutely hate the sensation of being tickled and I’m extremely ticklish. It’s possible that toys that aren’t body safe are hard limits as well.

There are plenty of other things I’m just not that into but that I would probably go along with if I was with someone who got off on it. Of course, it’s impossible to really list everything that would be a limit, soft or hard, because who knows what things other people could come up with that I can’t, such as sucking a double headed dildo on a hovercraft.

I would say other hard limits include closed-mindedness, bigotry, and general lack of intelligence or purposeful/voluntary ignorance (not to be confused with unintentional ignorance or unknowing for lack of exposure). I generally eschew those who fit into any of those categories.

This is the ninth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

No great insight into these, just enjoy them.

This is the eighth of my 30 Days of Kink (sick of it yet?) in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Oh, geez. Anyone who knows me knows how difficult of a task just choosing one image to post is. I never want to choose just one if I can have the option of more than one. Now many of my identities make sense, right? Most of my Tumblr is dedicated to this task: posting images I find erotic or interesting. I haven’t really been updating it lately, but there’s a lot there. Similarly Pleasurists is full of images I pulled from various places and ones that I find erotic or stimulating in some way.

Unfortunately I don’t know who this image is by. If you do please let me know!

I definitely have a ballet heel fetish, and ballet shoes for that matter. I just love the look of them. It’s not physical per se. I don’t get wet at the sight of them or want to hump them or things like that. I have a pair of ballet heel mary jane-style shoes that I love and love to wear, but even that isn’t exactly something that gets me off in and of itself. Perhaps it’s the associations I have with them: uncomfortability, difficulty walking/having to crawl, helplessness, that sort of thing. Adding the rope to it makes it just that much hotter. I especially love the way it is wound around the heels.

For your Eyes Only by AnimeSexBomb

I know I’ve mentioned before that I love gags. And I do. I love the helplessness (see a pattern here?) of gags, and I love the look in her eyes in this image and that you can see her handcuffs and collar on as well.

Marks by laurisiren

Again, I’ve mentioned many times before about my love of canes (Cane A Slut Day anyone?). I know which started first, though, my love of canes came after my love of the welts that canes make. I have always loved the look of cane marks! I was tempted to show off my favorite cane mark picture but I use that for the Cane A Slut Day logo and have posted it before. I love the V-shape of the welts in this one, though, and the rope marks around the ankles.