taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Archive for the ‘BDSM’


Expectations and Rituals

Note: I’m posting this in October of 2013, but I’ve backdated it to over a year and a half ago because that is when I wrote it and when the experience happened. I just found this in my drafts folder and didn’t want to just delete it.

Onyx and I had kind of lackluster sex the other night. A great part of that was my fault, I think, or maybe it all was my fault. We went to see A Dangerous Method earlier in the evening, which I thought was excellent. Anyone with an interest in psychology, especially Jung, and who doesn’t mind (or really enjoys) watching some hot sex scenes and spanking1 should see it. I found it quite arousing and have been really craving some rough treatment for quite some time so I was hoping that would be sparked by the movie at least a little bit.

Really all of my problems could have been avoided with some simple direct communication, which is clear in hindsight but sometimes in the moment it just feels like the last thing I could possibly do. Doesn’t make it right, though.

When we got home I removed his coat and shoes as usual, as soon as that was done we both were in need of food, he grabbed an apple and promptly sat down at his desk and became absorbed in his computer. I think what irritated me at that point was just that we had both talked about the movie and how stimulating it was on our walk home, but when we got home there was little interaction between us and I was hoping for more. I set up expectations but did not really do anything to help them happen.

As a slight aside, I’ve become a little irritated with our preparation ritual–my putting on or taking off his boots and coat before/after he leaves the house. It was originally implemented as a way for us to connect and it has become just that thing that we do, no longer a ritual but a habit. Not even that, despite how often we have been doing it with some regularity it is also sometimes forgotten. I believe some of this would be helped quite a bit if I were to simply up my enthusiasm for the act, and I have tried to do so today with some success. Perhaps we could add something to it to make it fresh and new again.

I grumbled and bratted, for some reason unable to voice what was going on with me or to make it clear what I wanted, and so we both remained unfulfilled. We were able to talk about what happened and our individual frustrations about it, but we were not yet able to get to the place of either of us getting what we wanted. Why is that? What is stopping us? Why can’t we just get what we want?

  1. though not enough of them, imo []

KASB: A New Beginning

A lot has happened in the three months since this semester started, both personally and professionally, and in some ways I can’t believe it is over already. I wasn’t prepared for the speed with which these three months have gone by, but it has all been wonderful. There were some topics that I wanted to write about but just didn’t get the chance, like Public Humiliation, Skin Stapling, Corsets, more on our Rope escapades, and joining my fellow student bloggers crafting homemade floggers, but I just didn’t have the time.

I re-read my application post and my introduction post in preparation for writing this, my final post on the Kink Academy Student Blog, then looked over all my posts this semester. My intention when applying was to use the videos I would be watching and the techniques I would be learning to get closer with my partner, Onyx, as well as to learn skills that I could use both with him and others. […]

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Read all of my Student Blog Posts here

KASB: My Favorite Toy

Once upon a time Onyx and I were running late for a queer play party. We were making our way out of the elevator of our building on the ground floor when I saw something slip from under his jacket and slide neatly through the thin crack between the elevator and the main floor. It was one of our toys: the wicked, short, thin, red acrylic cane. While it was not my favorite cane its sister cane—a thicker and longer red acrylic cane—had also recently been taken from us as well, it was stepped on and snapped during a passionate moment. I was quite sad since this brought our total cane count down to simply two.

It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if we only had two paddles or crops or straps, in fact we only have two or less of each of those, but canes are a different story. I love canes. As you probably figured already from the title of this post, canes are my favorite toy to play with, both as a Top and a Bottom.

I have written about canes before for Kink Academy, so if you’ve been following my posts you have already read about my love of canes once, but it bears repeating again. Why? There are more wonderful caning videos to talk about now, of course! […]

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KASB: Shoeshine Boy

I still have my first pair of knee-high leather boots. They were Fluevog Angel Boots, though I didn’t know what Fluevog was at the time, I was sixteen. Although the soles are now virtually nonexistent and the toes are scuffed beyond recognition I still have them, because they are a part of my past, a part of my life for so long. I still remember going to birthday dinner at my favorite chinese place in my hometown the same evening I got them and being so excited to have them snug around my calves.

I’ve been a lover of leather boots ever since. I’ve been thinking recently that leather boots may go so far as to being a fetish of mine, and not just in a talismanic sense. The feel of leather surrounding my flesh is intoxicating, and taking my Owner’s boots off for him or the idea of his boot pressed against my body fills me with pleasure. I discovered Lee Harrington‘s video Sole/Soul: The Art of Leather (a free video that anyone can watch, btw, even if you’re not a member) a while ago and even before watching it I had the desire to learn bootblacking, but it inspired me to start seriously looking into it. […]

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04.04

2011

Call For Submissions: Sacred Power, Holy Surrender

Both Onyx and I saw this call on Lee Harrington’s site and immediately we both wanted to write something. We’re going to submit a piece together and we’re going to make the time in the seriously crazy month ahead to do it. We have temple this weekend (Thursday-Sunday), then are taking an alchemy class the next two weekends (Saturday-Sunday), and have a Beltane gathering the weekend after that, when the essay is due. We’ll make it work, or get burned out trying.

In any case, I wanted to share the call along, since I had not seen it before Lee published it, even though it has been out there calling for submissions for a few months already. Here you go.

http://fetlife.com/users/117165/posts/508213

Call for Submissions:

Sacred Power, Holy Surrender: An Anthology of Spiritual Power Dynamic

I’m looking for people who are actively in power dynamic relationships (dominant/submissive, master/servant, master/slave, owner/property) and consider those relationships to have a strongly spiritual aspect – or perhaps even to be the mainstay of their spiritual path – to write essays about your experiences of spiritual power dynamic relationships. I’m looking for essays from both M-types and s-types, or from couples if you’d like to write something together. You can write under any name of pseudonym. If you feel comfortable with it, I would love to have essays accompanied by a photo of the two (or more) of you.

Any religious or spiritual perspective is acceptable so long as that perspective is not blatantly intolerant of others, and there is no generalization about what the behavior of others ought to be. Keep it to one’s own experiences, please. Write about what moves you on this path, and what you would have wanted to see written down about spiritual power dynamics when you were first starting out. If you really want to write for this book but you’re having trouble organizing your thoughts on the matter, ask me to send you a questionnaire about the subject, which you can fill out with in-depth specific answers and I’ll edit it together into a proper essay.

Essays should be 2000 – 8000 words, emailed to me at cauldronfarm@hotmail.com as a Word or Word Perfect attachment. Deadline is May 1, 2011. Each contributor will receive a .pdf copy of the book.

Please pass this CFS around to anyone you think would be interested!

Thank you,
-Raven Kaldera

KASB: Bound to Be True

In my first post I wrote about rope bondage, I mentioned that Onyx and I are fairly new to it and he gets frustrated by rope fairly easily, really he tries to make everything more complicated than it actually is. I mentioned that we were talking about making our rope play a weekly occurrence since, as we all know, practice makes perfect. That hasn’t happened, but we were able to explore some more rope videos and have a rope night tonight after a long hiatus!

First we watched some of the newest videos that have come out.

Rope Bondage Safety covered some of the same things as the Anatomy for BDSM videos but was information that I was happy to have reiterated.

Graydancer‘s Rope Scene Connection & Flow Part 1 and Part 2 are invaluable, I think, when it comes to rope bondage. He’s talking about things that seem really simple and obvious once you know them but are not often taught during rope classes such as how to approach someone you’re playing with, how to connect with the rope bottom during the scene, and how to keep confident during a scene even when you make a mistake. His tips are great for any sort of scene, really, not just rope bondage.

Then we reviewed. […]

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Read all of my Student Blog Posts here

KASB: Exploration of Age

While exploring the various Kink Academy videos for potential topics to write about I was initially surprised by my interest in learning more about age play. I’ve not done a lot of age play, and even when I was doing it I didn’t think of it as age play.

When I first was introduced to the concept I was not that interested in it, though motivating that disinterest was partly having a partner who is just over ten years older than me, as well as being the youngest of three, the baby of the family, so most of my life I have wanted to be older than I am. Because I was Submissive during that initial introduction and it was introduced to me in the way of the Big having power and the Little not having power that role wasn’t an interesting one. I now know that those assumptions and limitations initially introduced to me are simply untrue.

There aren’t as many age play videos uploaded as there are, say, rope videos, but the three that really focus on it are all excellent. There are two introduction videos and one that goes a little more in-depth specifically talking about bringing power and sexuality into age play, which is fascinating. […]

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KASB: A Cane in Hand

On Friday I was lucky enough to get to both wield and have my ass reddened by our newest toy addition: a super short and faily thick acrylic cane that Onyx and I picked up while we were in Portland last month. Aside from the love I would regularly have for a purple acrylic cane part of the reason I suggested to Onyx that we buy it was because I had recently watched the Stingy vs. Thuddy video.

I’ve loved canes for as long as I’ve loved impact play, especially the thicker ones. The thing I hear most about canes is this misguided notion that canes are all extremely painful, but in reality they can elicit a wide range of sensations. While I knew most of the information in the Stingy vs. Thuddy video it had never been laid out for me that same way, so it was extremely useful, and it’s information I’ve relayed to friends since watching. I started rating the canes we have: thuddy, thuddy with a stingy finish, and stingy with a thuddy finish (I love making kink toys sound similar to a fine wine and it works so well!). We used to have a wicked stingy thin one too, but one day it snapped at the handle while in mid-use! Somehow I didn’t mind.

I really like thud. That’s not to say I don’t like sting, because I do, but I generally can take a lot more thuddy than I can stingy. Really, though, I like it all. In fact, if that is not my motto I don’t know what is. When presented with multiple options I generally have a difficult time choosing because I want all of them. Go ahead and call me greedy, I don’t mind. […]

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KASB: Thoughts on Fetishes

I’ve never really considered myself a fetishist, despite the long list I keep on FetLife. Although there are non-sexual objects that I find attractive and even sexy I have never been to the point of needing them in order to get off. I did understand that my magical tools were technically fetish objects but I wouldn’t call them such and I didn’t know how to stretch that definition into bdsm.

When I saw the title of a recent Kink Academy video: Making Unusual Fetishes Work For You – Part 1 I was intrigued and, being a psychology geek and aspiring sex educator I decided to watch it even though I wasn’t sure I would get anything personally relevant out of it. In it Wintersong just gives a teaser for the rest of the video series, just giving an outline of what he will cover in future clips. In addition to getting me excited to see the rest of the series it also got me thinking about my own fetishes.

Wanting to explore the subject further I found Lee Harrington‘s video Fetishism and devoured it eagerly. He talks about three different kinds of fetishism–desires, needs, and empowered objects–and points out ways to present a fetish to a current or potential lover in a positive way. I had heard the basic definitions that he uses before both through my own explorations and in obtaining my psychology degree but he re-framed them for me in a kink context. The re-framing actually made me start to identify with two of the three: desires and empowered objects. […]

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KASB: Intention is the Watchword

It wasn’t long ago that Onyx put a collar around my neck for the second time, but at the time there was little that came along with it that wasn’t already in our relationship. The last year has been the best we’ve ever had together, and after nearly six years together that’s saying something. Hopefully, though our effort at sustaining and nourishing our relationship, that trend will continue. After the first time he collared me and I moved in with him there was a time when we attempted to implement some service and protocol in our lives. It didn’t work.

There was lots of baggage we both were battling back then, issues and assumptions we both were making due to past experiences either with other people or with each other. I desperately wanted some structure. I wanted clearly defined rules and protocols. I wanted all the things I’d heard what M/S is, the things I had read about in books and erotica. I wanted to be controlled by him in every way. When we tried to put those into practice, however, I rebelled. I didn’t trust him. I couldn’t submit in those conditions. He couldn’t control me and I wouldn’t let him.

Fast forward four years or so. The last year we’ve been at our peak as far as our intentional non-egalitarian relationship, which I often refer to as Owner/Brat for lack of a better term. I am owned by him, I am his, but I am not always submissive or obedient. I have the leeway to be a brat, to struggle, things we both really enjoy (though usually I’m only a brat in certain contexts). I had been consciously neglecting the other aspects, however, at least partially because they didn’t work before.

Enter Delving Into Power, a weekend intensive by Lee Harrington (who has some wonderful clips here on the Kink Academy) that Onyx and I attended the first weekend of February. Going through that weekend my Service Submissive self was tapped into and I realized there were aspects I was missing and that Onyx and I were finally in the right place to address service and protocol in our relationship so naturally I began scouring the service and protocol category of Kink Academy to see what other tools I could find.

Read the rest on the Kink Academy Student Blog!

Read all of my Student Blog Posts here