From What’s love got to do with it? by cunt:

“What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.”

I think this is our problem as well, and it’s not a bad problem to have in some ways, I mean, I love that he loves me and we have this connection and he understands when I have a lot of things to do, and he understands when I’m stressed, and he understands that school comes first, even before him. But, soon that will be over, and I won’t have school at all, and I will be able to devote most of my time to him, and the rest of my time to work. This is something I’m highly looking forward to, and I think it will change our dynamic.

Also we are going to have our house to ourselves and only ourselves, we are going to have a different bedroom and a different energy again, we will have a completely new and different situation, and we are going to go on vacation for three weeks which we can devote to each other.

We loved each other before we were O/cp, really. We came upon our love unexpectedly, both of us just looking for a friend with benefits, someone to fuck and pass the time with, someone who we were extremely sexually compatible with, and we found each other, and we are extremely sexually compatible. We were all about kinky sex more than the Owner/cuntpet relationship, though both of us wanted that, or I wanted that, and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he knew what I wanted, what I’ve craved, and he agreed with my descriptions of my desires, so that’s something. We weren’t really O/cp until long after I moved here.

I would get moody and irritated because we wouldn’t do anything, but it was nice, also, we were learning to get along with the vanilla aspects of each other, and I was learning to trust him again after what happened while we were apart. My trust in him was built and broken a few times during that period, but mostly broken due to my own insecurities and pushing away of him. We learned how to navigate each other, though not completely, but I don’t think that anyone can learn to 100% navigate someone else, because we’re constantly changing and so is the way to navigate us. However, it was a very useful time.

About a year ago I started really pushing for our work as Master and slave (or, now as I refer to it our Owner and cuntpet relationship), I wrote up our contract and we talked about it a lot. We’ve been struggling along ever since. This has been a slow process for us, juggling our love and our feminism and our O/cp and my school and his work and our roommates and our lives in general. Nothing is perfect, but we are working on it, and that’s what’s important. I need to learn how to initiate my submission, which is difficult for me, and he needs to learn how to initiate his Dominance, which is difficult for him. We end up stumbling through it every so often, but it doesn’t always work.

I desperately want to do more work on us, have us do more work on our O/cp relationship, have us work harder on it and on what we want. Once our roommates move out completely and I clean the house and we can keep it clean easier, and I graduate, and we move our bedroom, and we change things around, and we go to Europe, and I get a new job, THEN we can devote ourselves 100%. For now, I’m realizing, we really do not have the time to devote. And that’s fine, as long as we find it eventually. I’m realizing just how much we can actually do vs. how much I want us to do, and trying to realize the balance. I still expect to be fucked, and I still want to be dominated more frequently, but I won’t expect it to be perfect or to be closer to 100% until after we figure out other things.

He started new hours at his job this week, so there was very little fucking, as he would come home at 10pm and we would watch a couple episodes of Dexter and then crash (I was getting up at 6:30 and crazy hours like that, so we were both very tired). I’ve been aching for some fucking all week. I got Friday off to be with him (his new job gives him a three-day weekend, lucky bastard), and although that was kind of sucked up by a side project we ended up going to dinner and then to the liquor store and home.

We watched more Dexter (second season) and had some delicious drinks. At one point we started kissing, which led to fondling and grinding, which lead to him fucking me, first on the couch, then with me kneeling on the couch, then with me leaning over the arm of the couch (far superior). It was good. I wanted him to pull my hair, though, and he never did. It’s been getting longer and longer and he keeps neglecting it. *pout*

After that we… you got it… watched more Dexter, until about 4 in the morning at which time we headed downstairs, at my reluctance. I decided the only reason why I would be going downstairs when I wanted to watch more Dexter is so that he could fuck me. I told him this, and he said he assumed that might happen. He knows me too well.

He slid his fingers in me and began finger fucking me softly, then harder, moving his fingers to my clit, which usually gets me off quickly. I hadn’t cum upstairs, but he came twice, once in me and then once on my face and in my mouth. He rubbed my clit until I came and then moved above me and slid inside. He pounded my cunt nice and deep that way for a while, while doing various delicious things like putting his hands around my neck and taking my wrists in his hands and pinning me against the bed. He came like that, inside of me while pinning me down.

We rested for a few moments before starting to buck and grind against each other again. If we do this soon enough after he’s cum he can usually cum again, which is what happened upstairs as well. We fucked a little more, and I turned over so he was fucking me from behind, like a whore, and so he said. I always love being fucked from behind. He came again, the fourth time that night, and had to lie down he said the room was spinning. I’m just that good. ;P

We drifted to sleep, and before we did I asked him if he would wake me up with an assfucking in the morning. He told me he could do that.

I woke up first, and after going to the bathroom I lay back down and started stroking him. Once I got him hard he slid into me while we were both on our sides, fucked me like that a bit, then we shifted so he was fucking me like a whore again (by which I mean doggy-style of course). While doing that he started lubing my backdoor with his spit, sliding his finger in it, getting it nice and ready for his cock. Once it was sufficiently wet he slid me to the edge of the bed so he could stand while fucking my ass and slid inside. It went in easily the second time, after a little more spit and fingering was applied, and he began fucking my ass nice and hard and fast. I was in anal heaven.

We groaned and moaned dirty nothings to each other, calling me names and wonderful things like that. I can always tell when he’s about to cum, he makes slightly different noises, his thrusts get a little more frantic, and I always beg him to cum in me when he gets close, and usually he does nearly right after. I love the feeling of him just thrusting deep within me and being able to feel his cock twitching and spurting inside of me (yes, I’m on birth control, the ring, 99.9% effective and we’ve done all the other necessary precautions).

I continued to rub my clit after he came inside me and ended up cumming not too long after he had, with his cock still buried in my ass, I’m such a little ass whore. I love it. We collapsed on the bed, my finger still on my trigger, and we kissed and whispered “I love you” as I continued to rub. I came twice more (asking permission every time I had, of course), before stopping.

In other, better, news, I got my new collar today. The one I posted about back here. It is gorgeous! It’s smaller than I was expecting, kind of delicate while also being bondage-y, so it’s kind of fucking rad. The V- and O-ring combo, too, is smaller than on any of my other collars (not only the ones given to me by Master, but also the ones I bought for myself to wear as a goth chick). It’s so pretty. I’ll take pictures once I take a shower. I must not have gotten all the conditioner out of my hair when I showered, because my bangs look weird now. That’s beside the point.

Technically the collar got here yesterday, but I didn’t check the mail once I got home, and he didn’t check the mail when he got home, and the mail had not come when i got home, so we missed it until this morning. I got it after missing the bus. I told him he had a package, and he opened it and we realized it wasn’t for him, but for me! He wouldn’t let me have it until he got home from work, though. So I went to work disgruntled, but also pleased that he would set that restriction.

When I got home I took it from the box and plastic packaging and took it downstairs. I tried it on briefly, to make sure it fit and that I didn’t have to make another hole for it, and it fits perfectly on the last slot. It even has about 3″ of extra leather, which is rare, so if I do discover I need it out a little more I can easily do so. I have my awl and everything, though a leather puncher would be better, and I’ll have that soon too!

When he got home he noticed that it was not upstairs where he left it, and reminded me I wasn’t to have it until he got home. I had it behind me on the bed when I was kneeling to greet him (as I do when he comes home), so that we could have it accessible. I told him what I had done and he teasingly told me that I’d have to wait a week until I could have it, but soon recanted that and put it on me. It’s gorgeous.

Oh, hell, I’ll post the picture one more time, because I love it.

I’ve been feeling really off lately, and through talking with Kat I’ve realized some of why. I also just started bleeding today, so that probably has something to do with it. She asked me if I was questioning my submission again, and I haven’t been. I’ve gotten pretty firm in that, and I’ve been playing around a bit online with people because I’m craving the submission and I’m not getting it here.

Instead of questioning my submission I’ve kind of moved on to questioning our connection. Not our relationship connection, but our BDSM one. I’m not sure if I’m just making too much out of this, maybe. But whenever I bring stuff like this up we always talk about it, and we confess things, but then we get to a point of “we’ll try harder” and “it’ll be better once we live alone.” I mean, sometimes we implement things, like him giving me the list of protocols or the list of household duties, or me making up the position commands, but how much do we actually do of all that, very very little. We’ve been alone all this week, and we haven’t even had sex. I’m wanting him to make the move, I’m sick of being the only one who initiates. But, we’ve been tired and this has been his first week with his 12 hour shifts, so I know that’s part of it…

We’ll see what happens tonight and tomorrow, and maybe things will change, and this past week will just have been because of both of us being tired and him working a lot, and we’ll get to a place where we are comfortable, but I somehow doubt it. This is definitely not all his fault, of course. I mean, there are many times when I overreact to him sometimes, and I get pouty and strange, but sometimes I just want him to fucking dominate me, just overpower me with his will, instead of me putting his will first I want him to make me put his will first. I try on my own, but… it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I need him to show me the way.

This is true for him too, though, and I know it. I want us to get to the point where we reach our potential. I think we could be awesome, and it could work perfectly. But perhaps what we want is too different. But, also, I’m not sure if he knows what he wants. I’m not sure if I know what I want all the time, either. I mean… I think he wants me to just be submissive to him, but I want him to dominate me sometimes, if that makes sense, make it mandatory, instead of something I just do.

The thing is, too, he won’t chastise me when I do things wrong. Or, when he does, he gets all cold and distant, and I hate that. He says he’s not cold and distant, that he’s just being expectant or something depending on what it is that’s going on, but there’s this look… like he doesn’t know how to dominate without shutting part of himself off. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.

I’m worried that I’m trying to make a Master out of a Top. Something I’ve been worried about for a long while, and maybe that’s what it comes down to. This is not his idea of what he wants, and I’m trying to force it on him. I say that, but he tells me that I’m not forcing it, that it’s what he wants too, but I don’t see it. I’m sure he doesn’t see it from me that much either, though. I’m not trying to make this all about him, but sometimes that’s all I can find to talk about, not that I don’t have fault in this as well, just that, well, it’s easier to talk about my issues with him than my issues. My trouble is that I’ll want something, but not want to say it right out, and then he’ll do it days later and I’ll be so ticked off that he hasn’t done it that I won’t respond right.

Maybe this is all just too fucked up. Kat says that if he really wanted to, he could learn how to be a Master. And, I do think that he wants to, he just… doesn’t want to put the effort in? Or, doesn’t have time to put the effort in? I don’t really want to, either, so I don’t fault him for that too much, except I have been putting effort in, I have been trying to encourage change that doesn’t seem to stick. That’s part of the problem, too, part of me just wants to give up.

He’s so oblivious sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head. Kat also said that I should go overboard with the subbyness in order to get him to feel more Domly. I think this would work, and I think it would work well, and he’s said that would help too, and… I don’t know, I feel like whenever I’ve tried he’s just brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big thing, but I want recognition when I do good things, just as when I do bad ones, and I don’t get either unless he’s looking for it. I feel like even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t matter, so I haven’t really tried. So, maybe that’s what I have to do. It’s difficult for me to submit without provocation. It’s hard for me to submit without being Dominated, but perhaps I just need to push past that and my pushing past my block will also help him push past his block.

But… if this doesn’t work, I think I would be devastated.

I still feel really guilty about what I did last Saturday night. I’m trying to make it up to him, but I don’t know if that’s really coming through. I don’t think I’m doing anything extra special, just trying to be good and compliant and helpful. I did, however, clean up our room tonight, vaccumed and everything, it looks very nice, if I do say so myself. Now I just need to do the bathroom, kitchen, and living room, leaving the upstairs to our roommates (soon to be neighbors). I’m feeling kinda bleh lately, and I haven’t started on any of my papers, though I have been thinking about them. Two are due right after break, the other is due a couple weeks after, but I need to interview Katrisa for that one, so I’m not focusing on it.

I need a good beating and fucking. I really do. I need something to snap me out of the headspace I’ve been in lately. I need to get down in that subspace and float around for a while. I need Master to drag me down into that degraded place and let me wallow there. I need him to control my breathing, make me choke and gag on his cock, to beat me and fuck me and all otherways get me to that delicious subspace. It’s been too long since we did something specifically like that. I want him to put me in high protocol, make me delve down into that dependancy and degradation and do anything and everything to me.

Though, I know this won’t happen tonight, we’re both tired, I’m way sore from the gym yesterday, and we have the (first) season finale of Dexter to watch.

Why is it so difficult for me to push aside my will and ego and give in to another? Though… putting it like that, it kind of makes sense why, heh. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially for those who have spent time specifically building up those two things. I used to be a pushover, I’d do anything for anyone, and I tried to make everyone happy. I found out that by doing that I was hurting myself, and so I needed to stop. I learned how to stand up for myself, how to say no when I needed to, how to do what I wanted. I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is the most selfish.

And now I have to relearn all of that, to put his needs first before my own, and it’s difficult to unlearn something you taught yourself for years. And it took years for me to get here, and maybe that’s part of the reason why I shy away from people, too. I don’t know.

I need to learn this, relearn this. I watch others who do for others out of pleasure, and I wonder where that need in me went. It’s still there, to an extent, but I buried it in order to live. I love doing things for others, but I love doing them on my terms, at my own time, when I want to, and not regardless of my own desires, that’s what I have major issues with. It’s like that quote which I quoted long ago “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” This is my problem. I need to fix this.

Everytime I think I’m getting better, I’m not. He still insists that getting me to do anything is like pulling teeth, even though there are plenty of times when that’s not the case, but the times when it is the case are the times that are most notable. I often just wish I could slip into that as easily as others seem to be able, that it was more of a second nature than it is now, and I tried to get that to happen with us, am trying but not successfully, and it takes two, and I’m not sure either of us really knows how to do it.

I did something tonight, was difficult, not compliant, not going along with something because he wanted to do it and I didn’t. He said that he does that for me, when he knows that doing something will make me happy he will go along with it even if he doesn’t want to. I inferred from that therefore I didn’t do that ever, though I don’t think that’s exactly what he was trying to imply, and I said that. I do that too, but just not noticeably, because it’s not noticeable if you go along without saying anything when you don’t want to do it but the other person does.

I’m trying to get over my emotional blocks, I’m trying to be more submissive to him, but it’s also hard when he won’t Dominate me. It’s like he expects me to just submit to him without having to Dominate me, and that’s difficult for me. It doesn’t mean he has to force me to do things, just exert his will over me every once in a while, that’s all.

That’s not to say this is all his fault that I’m not submissive to him as he wants me to be. Of course it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s my fault mostly, but there are aspects of his fault in it, so it’s just a big mess. I’m not sure what to do sometimes, and need a little guidance. Or, I do know what to do, but it’s sometimes hard for me to just do it without being lead a bit.

Master just bought me a new collar, because I found it and I’m in love with it. He said it’s very “me”

Basically I have been wearing a necklace he gave me for the holidays as my collar, it looks like this only with a garnet stone:

and I love it, but I need the feel of something more solid, I think, too. I’ve gone through about three different collars with him, first a temporary one which he gave me, then a simple o-ring one with studs near the o-ring, which is really pretty, but is too small for my HUGE neck now that I’ve gained weight again =( So, I had to get another one, and then that one turned into the necklace. Eventually we still want to get one like Master and I talked about before he first collared me, steel with garnets set in it, but for now, these do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about collars and collaring lately, as not only has it been talked about on my friends list, but I’ve been thinking of designing one for me with my lorica, and then I’m making one for glen, and maybe one for ivyfang, if I can make one she likes. It’s something I feel me using the necklace as collar has kind of neglected, and wearing that has been mostly for work purposes. Perhaps Master and I need to implement something such as when he comes home or when I come home (whoever comes home last) I kneel by him and he puts the collar on me (this new collar?) and it can be something to ground me in my submission.

This would be small and quick and easy that is a little symbol saying that the outside world (except homework for the next month and a half) is not around, and it’s just us and our relationship that is key here. It may be a good way for me to get into that space of submission (not quite subspace, as I consider that something else), similar to my desire for a slavecuntpet name. We’ve both been thinking about it. The closest we’ve (he’s) come to is arani, which I like, but… it’s not quite right, and he agrees. I like the idea of an a name, I think, but nothing we’ve come up with quite works.

I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.

Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.

I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.

Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.

The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.

Saturday and Sunday nights were yummy. I don’t remember all the details, or I would expound them in a much more articulate manner, however, I do remember on Saturday there was fucking–lots of fucking. Master came twice inside of me after not thinking that he could cum at all (we had some additives in our system that he thought would hinder him). He fucked my face some. I called out dirty things to him and moaned and begged for him to pound my cunt. We played around with some asphyxiation as well (I asked for it, yum, I love it), and he made me cum with his hand over my mouth and holding my nose closed. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, but it was all a blur of wonderful sensation.

Sunday was more regular, and though Master was sore I got him to fuck me anyway, just a quickie with him fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders. He was ready to call it a night after he came, but I asked if I could, he said something like “you don’t think you get to cum every night, do you?” I said “no, but I can at least ask.” And he was very generous and let me cum once, hard, for about a minute. It was delicious.

That’s my quickie.

I have been trying to come up with better terms for what I engage in than Master/Mistress and slave. I think I need a combination of Owner/cunt, Owner/pet, and Owner/(sexual) servant. So maybe I’m a sexual service cuntpet? Heh. Perhaps pet can encompass all of these?

What I mean by this: Owner/cunt as described by cunt is something I take to mean as having fun with bratting, in many ways, and being able to mouth off and protest and curse and do all the things a “proper slave” is supposedly not supposed to do. These are things I enjoy to do at times, though not at others. Well, correction, I’m a smart-ass all the time, regardless, and I am a brat quite often, though not always for the aim of being forced into submission. I enjoy being forced and overpowered and just, well, dominated. I definitely have a force fetish. However, I do enjoy service also, I do enjoy other aspects of slavehood, not just being forced. Thus, the other aspects.

My service is primarily sexual, though not only. I enjoy doing for him in whatever way he needs, as a symbol or signal of my submission to him and as a gesture of my love, adoration, and worship of not only him but also our chosen dynamic. I love serving him sexually, being told what to do, ordered around, and also just giving that service to him. We have expanded my service to other mundane things such as making and serving him food and drinks (which I would do anyway, but we have made it into more of an expression of my submission by adding gesture and word to it should we be alone, or simply eye contact and both of us mentally acknowledging my gift at that point). I enjoy doing menial mundane things for him as well as the sexual service which I readily and eagerly provide.

Master calls me pet, I think it’s his favorite term for me, really. I have always fancied my submission as being a mixture of pampered pet and dirty whore, and my idea of Owner/pet is that of a pampered pet as well as an eager follower. Pets can be strong and willful, independent, stubborn, and spirited, while at the same time being able to be tamed or broken. One of my favorite quotes, which Kat introduced me to, and I don’t remember who it is by, but she may let us know in a comment and I will amend this: “A wild horse doesn’t need to be broken. If she is tamed properly she will still have fire in her eyes while eating out of the palm of your hand.” This is really what I mean when I say “broken.” I don’t mean broken in an unhealthy sort of way, or in a way that would squelch my spirit and self, but in a way that would tame me for the time being, with the knowledge and desire for me to become strong and willful and etc. again, but also be able to have this “broken” or tamed space within which I can be as well.

This may be the best for an overall idea, Owner/pet, though I think that “pet” carries different connotations than those I would be using them for, but maybe that’s okay, because, really, no matter what word I use it will have some sort of connotation or another. Perhaps I just need a new word altogether, but even that would carry a connotation in a sense. Perhaps “cuntpet” is a more fitting and accurate term, which carries with it damn near the connotations that I would like associated with it and me and my submission. So, after all this musing, I come back to what I said at the beginning of the entry: so maybe I’m a sexual service cuntpet. Or just cuntpet for short.

Though, this doesn’t address my generalization issues, as mentioned in the last post as well, that this is rather specifically a female term, and though I do know some boys are called cunt too, I’m not sure if it would work. However, at this point I’m not as much worried about it generalizing as I am about just wanting something which is individually mine. Maybe that’s all that matters. Cuntpet is me, and very specific.