Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.

Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.

However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.

Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.

This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.

I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.

My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.

While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.

After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.

We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.

One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.

I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.

I feel I need to make a few clarifications to my last post. I think it came out as a lot harsher than I meant it. I pointed Master to it last night and mentioned that I thought it might come off a little stronger than I meant it, and he said that it was pretty harsh. It was really just unrestrained pouring of the situation onto the screen and I realized afterward reading it over again that it was a little too blunt and came off as really blunt, harsh, and worse than I meant it.

I end up writing things a bit stronger or exaggerated than they actually are sometimes, because I build things up in my head, it’s just the way I do things. I over-analyze and often tend to blow things out of proportion in my head while I’m in the middle of analyzing and figuring them out, and I often write about things from the middle of that analyzation and they end up coming off a lot more strongly than I actually think about them or more strongly than they actually are… if that makes sense.

While everything I wrote was true to an extent, it is also not true at all times, but are things which I struggle with and I’m trying to work through and figure out for myself. Not everything I said about him, specifically disappointment, are true all the time. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases, but these are things which we have talked about and which are better than they were a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago. We do talk about things, and my writing here is a catalyst for the beginning of those conversations, which is part of the reason why I write in here.

Things are not quite as bad as I sometimes make them out to be. We are moving forward, we are talking about things, we are changing. We’re constantly in a state of figuring out what works still, as both of us have all sorts of hangups that we are working through. But, we definitely are moving forward. We are worlds away from where we were (nearly) two years ago when I moved to be with him. We are also far from where we were even just last week. Every week, every day, brings us closer to the way we want to be.

After the post we had a very long talk about everything. We came to some wonderful conclusions, including acknowledging the efforts each of us has been putting in. I say a lot that he’s not meeting my standards, not living up to my expectations, but only because I have unreasonable expectations. I’m Veruca Salt, really. I want the world, and I want it now! I’m the queen of instant gratification, and I want us to be the way I know we will be one day right NOW! This is not to say that I don’t appreciate the changes both he and I have made over the years, nor do I not acknowledge that we are much closer to our goal than we were before, but I do sometimes get frustrated that we are not as far as I would like us to be.

We both have a lot of hang ups, emotional blocks, and things that each of us has to work through and work with and figure out. We have gotten through many of them already, but there are still many more to go. The most important thing is that we are both dedicated to making us work. I have thought about leaving, but I would never bring myself to do that. Thoughts of leaving a difficult situation are normal, really, and they have crossed my mind from time to time, but only in the depths of my own paranoia and crazyness.

I love this man more than anything, and I am devoted to him, even if I have doubts, or find him annoying at times, and even when he doesn’t do exactly what I want him to do. Though, that’s part of my problem that I’m working on. I need to be submissive on his terms, not on my terms. I need to give up my ideas of what a situation should be like and focus on what it is, and focus on him rather than me. I need to have faith, like glen said. It’s difficult when I know lots of times he doesn’t think about things the same way I do, and it’s been difficult to have faith when I know that quite often he lets things slide and he defaults to vanilla, but he’s working on that, and I’m working on having less expectations, and we’re both working on communicating more.

More later, I have lots more to write.

Some of you may not know, but I am currently on vacation, or “holiday” as they say over where I last was. We were in England for five days, Stansted for a day and then Brighton, which was where we met Kat and glen. Brighton was amazing. Now we are in Norway, Stavanger specifically, which is where Master grew up. There will be more of an update on the vanilla stuff in my regular journal soon, once I have the time to sit down and go through everything.

There has been a lot going on inside me as far as Master and Kat and glen. I find myself wanting exactly what I posted before about my ideal situation. I can’t imagine my life without any of them in it, and on that far off day when they are able to live together I hope that we will be able to live next door to them, or at least very close. I’m sure we can all pull it off.

I had a fit on I think it was Tuesday night. We had all been drinking, and I had on my wireless remote-controlled vibrator, which Master had been teasing me with all night. I had gotten used to it, but it was still annoying. Outside Kat pulled my hair and I turned into mush, but I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure I did a little because I was drunk. When I was in the bathroom Master passed on the remote to Kat, which I didn’t know about. When I came back glen said a few things regarding not being mean to me, which I didn’t quite get, until I found out she had the remote.

When it was uncovered, when she handed it back to Master, I realized I would have acted differently if I had known she had it. This sent me into questioning why I would have acted differently, and I realized that I felt more submissive to her than I do to my own Master. I know part of that is that she is now off limits, in some ways, she’s someone I want but can’t have the way I would like, and that makes it all the more painful not to have her. The thing is, I really would rather them be together than she be with me, because I know and have known for quite some time that they are simply perfect together, and the trip just emphasized that. I have no desire to come between them, but I do still have these desires and I’m working on that.

I have a lot of issues with being with Master, a lot of heterosexual guilt for one thing, but also a lot of mistrust of him. I shut down that night, and they gave me all sorts of attention which in one way made it worse, but glen was the best that night. He said the most perfect things to me in the hallway, and things which I know but things I haven’t embraced fully. I’m wondering if I am able to with Master. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m smarter than him in some ways, though not in others too, and also knowing that if I’m stubborn enough I can usually get my way, and knowing that he will forget things that he’s said or not pay attention to the details of things when I will. I know he will disappoint me, or, I anticipate it, and I really shouldn’t.

Part of the reason, too, why I’ve come to desire Kat so much is that I know she is an extremely mental Dominant, and that is what I crave. I can’t be mentally dominated by someone who I expect to disappoint me, and I know that, and I’m working on getting out of that mentality, but it’s difficult. I am better than I was a year ago, I’m even better than I was last week, I think, but at the same time he will have to work on things. Consistency is something which I need badly, and it’s something that I haven’t really gotten, but I’ve expressed this to him before, and nothing seems to change.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much, and maybe that’s my problem, along with the disappointment thing. I’m expecting too much from him and when he doesn’t deliver I get upset and depressed and it’s harder for me to submit to him. I know now that I crave domination, I just need to actually feel dominated, and he doesn’t really do that, but part of that is my fault, because I won’t let him dominate me. It’s a two-way street as I’ve mentioned in other posts. He needs to take control, he needs to make me do things, but I also need to give him that control and I need to do the things he tells me to.

We’ve gotten better, in some ways, just in the last week. He’s calling me scarlet more, and I love when he calls me scarlet. I actually do things when he calls me scarlet, too, which is something I think he’s realizing. I know it means business when he calls me that, I guess, or something like that. I have been trying to have faith, like glen says, I’m trying to put myself in the mindset that he needs my help, my submission.

I have been trying to view myself in the ways that I have outlined in this blog, which I have believed or wanted but not actually put myself into that position. I have been thinking of myself as his personal assistant, and I’m needing to mention this to him as well, as I think it would help him in having me do things for him, which is difficult for him in some ways. I’m his personal assistant, his fucktoy, his bratty/sassy cunt, and his precious pet. This is basically what I said back in my first post about owner/cuntpet, and something I’ve embraced but also not quite taken to heart, and also something I have a slightly different perspective on now. I’ve got much more to say about all this, but that’s for another post.

When studying masochism, people have these ideas that it is all about sacrifice and martyrdom and the desire to be punished. While this is true to an extent, I don’t believe it’s wholly true. Beatings, humiliation, being helpless, they’re all ways to get to a different mindset, to experience sensation. The only reason why we view this sensation as bad is because that’s what society thinks it is. Pain is bad, pain should be avoided. Pain gives us an endorphin high similar to that we get from drugs. Pain is not the desired effect it’s the sensation that comes along with it.

The same with any sort of submission, be it physical or mental, it’s all about getting to that place of sensation, of giving, of doing for another. The thing about BDSM is that it is seen as so one-sided, when really it is all about giving and taking on both sides at different times. As different people practice and experience BDSM in different ways, this is simply my way, my experience, and not to be generalized too broadly, but meant to be taken as mine.

Basically, someone is always giving and taking and someone is always taking and giving. Giving someone the gift of sensation, as Tops do to bottoms in the bedroom, also allows the Top to take pleasure from the situation, whether it is beating, fucking, making them bound and helpless, humiliating, anything, both parties are getting what they want and desire from the situation. And then, outside of the bedroom, the bottom giving their gift of submission is them able to give themselves overabundantly to the Top, while gaining pleasure from doing so. The Top is gaining pleasure from the submission of the bottom while also giving the bottom reciprocal energy and love.

This is the give and flow of energy.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it all was very clear to me on Saturday night. Basically, regardless of the situation, it is always time for both the Top and bottom to win. They are both getting exactly what is wanted and needed out of the situation. There is no punishment going on, really, (except when punishment is needed but that is only for bad behavior). There is only giving and taking of sensation, pleasure, energy, submission, and love.

At any given time both the Top and the bottom are getting something out of the interaction, both are selfish and selfless at the same time. This could be said for any relationship, really, but I believe it is heightened due to the heightened nature of interaction within BDSM relationships. Many (both outside and within the lifestyle) see the relationship as one-sided, that the Top is simply selfish and desiring great things from the bottom. However, the bottom is rewarded for hir actions through certain means, and the Top is rewarded for hir rewarding through other means.

Without the openness of both parties, a successful interaction will never take place. This is what Master and I have had such a hard time with. When we were first together, first met, I gave myself to him overabundantly. I tried to shower him with my love, my desire for him, and it was too much for him. He has a hard time expecting others to do things for him, he has a hard time receiving love and being open to it. I get this now, though I didn’t then. It has hurt our dynamic quite a bit, but we are slowly getting to the place where we can work again.

I have been more than receptive of taking from him, and he has been more than willing to give. However, it’s the other way around, it’s what most people think of as D/s, that is where we have problems. I shut myself off to him for quite some time because I was hurting, because I had given so much of myself to him and had gotten nothing in return, so by the time I moved here I was fragile and defensive and didn’t want to give anything to him ever again. This wasn’t conscious, it’s just the way it works. In return, since I was not giving and he has trouble taking, we didn’t do much aside from bedroom stuff, which I see as him giving and me taking.

For quite a while I tried to make him dominate me in other arenas. I was pushing him to take so I could give… it was a very backwards way of doing it, and it really didn’t work at all. I’ve gotten back to the place of desiring to give to him overabundantly, but it has taken quite some time to get here.

Part of what really helped me with the short-lived relationship with Kat was that she made me give myself to her, not the other way around. She wouldn’t do anything unless I was the one to initiate it, unless I was the one to submit to her, as opposed to her dominating me. I only started with her after Master and I had repaired some of the breaches in our relationship, as I was determined to do, but submitting to her, shortly and really not largely as I did was enough to remind me what it was like to be with someone who was willing and desiring to receive what I had to give.

Master and I have been better about it, and now that I’m done with school he’s made it pretty clear that he is going to demand more from me, and I’m very okay with that. I mean… I am and I’m not, heh, but mostly I am. We’re moving to a place that is extremely necessary and extremely important, and it’s taken us nearly two years to get here, but it couldn’t have happened any other way.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how Master and I met lately. I’m not sure why… it popped into my head the other day, thinking that I should send the person who basically introduced us something, a thank you card or fruit basket.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own sexuality as well (big surprise), and I’ve been thinking about Kat and glen and how the four of us will work together. I think it will end up being kind of an N shaped relationship, with each | being our primary relationships, me and Master, Kat and glen, and then the \ bit being us to each other.

Although I adore glen and want to become good friends with him I don’t think we would have a deep romantic or sexual relationship. Some playing may occur, who knows! I mean, we’ve talked about him being made to suck my strap-on while we’re in England, and various other things like that, but that would be more casual… I should see if he agrees. I think he does… I’m so bad at emailing even when I want to! I blame finals. I mean, I’m not against developing a deeper relationship with him, but I think our interactions would be through Kat, and also as friends and snuggle buddies and things like that, but not… I don’t know if I’m explaining this right.

In my ideal world, we four would be able to get houses right next to each other, have our seperate primary relationships in each house, Master and I could babysit for them on occasion when they were needing to get into sexy kinky stuff, things like that. We would all be great friends, and each of our primary relationships would come first, but Kat and I would have a fair amount of alone time as well, and also we would have times when all four of us got together and played, or some combination thereof (Kat with glen and me while Master was at work, Master and Kat with me while glen was at work, or things like that…).

However, this ideal world would not be for a long time coming, but I’m willing to wait and just see how things go, how things progress. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, for the past week or so, but have been having a hard time working everything out. I started this post last Friday or Saturday, but had to think about it more before being able to get into it fully.

I’ve also been thinking about my own sexuality and my relationship with Master specifically. He’s mentioned that he would not be interested in having another sub, and I’m way down for that, I don’t think I would want him with another sub. He and I with another sub, however… that could be hot. I’d be interested to see the power dynamic there. I’ve been thinking a lot about exploring my more Dominant side, I think I would want to do it while I myself was being Dominated, showing off for my Dom/me, as it were.

There are a lot more musings of this sort… and I’ll get to them later. For now, though, I have a paper to write.

As I’ve mentioned previously, Master and I have been looking for a cuntpet name for me for quite some time, but have been unable to find one that has fit. I’ve been wanting a name as an aid to training, an aid to submitting, a little extra control over me.

So, today, Master found my name for me. I was pondering changing my username on livejournal. The two options I first came up with were scarletlotus and feministfucktoy. Both Master and Kat voted for scarletlotus. So, to Master, I mentioned that I agreed, was leaning toward that, and asked what he thought of having scarlet be his name for me.

His response: I was thinking about just that this morning.

How’s that for kismet?

In addition to it fitting me like a custom-made corset, it also has spiritual associations for both Master and myself. In addition, as Kat calls me her lotus or her flower, being able to use scarletlotus is a blending of Master’s and Miss’ names for me. It just fits so well for this section of my life.

~scarlet lotus sexgeek~

I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.

He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.

What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.

Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.

If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.

I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.

There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.

I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.

I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.

I posted this a few days ago in another journal, and decided it’s necessary to post it here along with what happened after I posted it…

From redtube, so, you know, not work safe, but neither is this blog, so you should know this already.

I posted it under the title “Gimme Some of This, Please?” I don’t remember why I found it, I think I was bored and looking around redtube for something yummy, and I found this (I think by searching “bdsm anal” or something similar). I love all the elements in it, the anal, the face slapping, the asphyxia, yes please.

After posting it, Master saw it. I was on my computer and he came over with a comment about the clip and started kissing me, he climbed on top of me and took my wrists down, pinning me down against the bed as he kissed me and moved his leg between mine. I struggled slightly, playfully, grinding myself up against him.

He put his hands around my throat, then he put his hands over my mouth, pinching my nose shut. He made me struggle for breath multiple times, and I got into a wonderful headspace, submissive, horny, delighted, in need. He undressed, tugged my skirt up, and started fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders, alternating between holding my legs or holding my arms down against the bed.

He slapped my face a few times, kissed me roughly, and pinned me down against the bed. After cumming inside me I continued to grind up against him, aching for him to start fucking me again, needing that feeling of filling, and after a while of this he started fucking me again. I turned over so he was fucking me from behind and his hand curled into my hair to pull it as he fucked me.

He came inside me again, and again I continued to grind, he asked me what else I wanted, what I really wanted, and I asked him to fuck my ass. After teasing me with the idea, he got my ass ready with his fingers before slipping inside, starting to fuck my ass hard and roughly as I moaned and squealed and begged for more.

He came inside me once more, this time in my ass, and after he did I came as well, my hand on my clit and his permission in my ears. I came two more times just rubbing myself while he watched me.

It was a good good night.

Someone posted about being named today, and it got me thinking. I have been wanting a slavecuntpet name for quite some time now, yet Master and I have yet to find one which suits. Kat has been calling me “lotus” and “flower” which I do love, but that would be my name with her, of course. I’m wondering if she wants me to call her something, like Miss or Ma’am, though I’m more partial to Miss, or something else entirely… I was thinking about that as we were talking today, but I didn’t take the time to ask… I’ll ask her about that tomorrow.

But, my name with Master is one I would like to be able to adopt. He thought about arani, which I like but there’s something slightly off about it… not quite me, I guess. My self-chosen aliases of quadishtu and magdalena aren’t suitable either, as they do have different contexts, and we both want one which can be for him and me only, really. Cuntpet is more of a term for me than a name, as it’s my alternative to “slave.” So… where does this name come from, then? I know a lot of people say “wait, it’ll come” and that we’ll find it when we’re ready, and maybe that’s part of it, but I also want one now so that we can start working with it. Perhaps cuntpet just needs to be that for now, although that is also an alias I chose for myself, not something he chose for me.

The concept of having a name given to me, or chosen for me by my Master or Kat is one which I enjoy. It definitely creates an atmosphere of submission, without really having to do very much. It shows the hold they have over me, as they have the will and ability to change my name at any given moment. I love mental aspects of BDSM, and this is one that would fall into that category. I also believe that names hold great power, that they influence one’s life profoundly, which is also why when naming anything (generally pets) I have rules which I follow (I got this from my mother), and I make sure they always have three names, and names which fit them.

It’s finding a name with Master that’s the trouble. I’m sure he would like to name me a goddess, arani is a goddess of sexual fire, and I’m sure that’s the theme he’s wanting, but nothing seems to fit. I forget the other option, but I liked it much less than arani. I will probably just have to wait and see what we come up with, but in the meantime I want to start conditioning that switch in me to be associated with a name. However, I will just have to wait. Perhaps we need to find one in the meantime to work with, aside from cuntpet. I do enjoy cuntcake, it’s one I thought up today, hehe, but it wouldn’t be a name. Perhaps something simple, like lotus is simple and pretty and me, I love that she chose that for me. Maybe tigerlily, or simply nymph…

Any suggestions? Do any of you have names you’re called, or have you named your property something else?

Lots has been going on… where to start?

I’ll start with posting about Master and me. Since the last post specifically about us we have been doing a lot better. We’re in the stage we were at the end of the post still: both of us striving to prove to the other that we can do this, both of us wanting this, both of us working on it.

It’s difficult, though, with him working until 10pm, but luckily that’s only three nights a week. There has been a lot going on, as well, stress wise and emotion wise and everything, and I have a feeling we will get even better in a month, once I have less to do and we can focus more on ourselves and each other.

He has been better at making me do things when I don’t, and I have been better at remembering to do them, so it’s really a win-win situation, as I talked about before. I’ve been trying to have dinner ready when he gets home, though I’ve failed at this a little both the past two nights, but I’m working on it more. I need to look back over the list of expectations, our protocols, and our contract and commit them to better memory. I mean, I’ve mostly memorized them, but I think that I could remember them better.

I also would like to do more with our position commands, but, really, one thing at a time. One of my big things is resistance when I feel he’s pushing and I’m not ready to give whatever it happens to be he is pushing for. I have been getting better at simply giving instead of trying to control what and when I’m giving. I did this a bit the first night that we kind of got back into this, but since then… I mean, I’ve been bratty and cheeky, but not resisting completely, to make the distinction between the two.

I do know that we’ve slipped a little in the last few days, not been quite as strict, but maybe we don’t need to… I think a lot of that, too, has to do with him working until 10pm. It’s getting a lot better. I’m really excited about the new aspect to us, the new development, and despite slight slipping it really hasn’t slipped that much, or not nearly as much as the last time we determined something like this. I really feel something different within me, a realization that has changed the way I’m interacting with both Master and Kat, a clicking of a sort making me realize that I have to do a lot of the work if I really want things to happen, but the work I have to do is work that is both overt and subtle…

My other update is about Kat. I pointed her to the posts I had written and we talked things over and kind of came to the conclusion of needing to try this, needing to see if we could add D/s to our relationship. I’m honestly not sure if it will work, but we’re both willing to give it a try, and we both know that even if it doesn’t work we’ll still retain our friendship.

We’ve done little bits of things, just kind of testing the waters, this is all online, mind you. I watched her playing with the other girl in channel that I mentioned two posts ago, and I was jealous, of course, but I also liked it. I mean, I work on my jealousy, I don’t just shove it away, I like to overthink it, expose what is at the root of it, and in this case it was kind of obvious, I wanted her to toy with me like that. She mentioned that toying with her is like practice for me, since she’s still nervous. I don’t think that’s really a motivating factor in it, but I think that’s an added bonus.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m pushing this on her… I know she says I’m not, and she’s said she wants it to, but… I still can’t help but wonder. But, then, I wondered the same thing with Master, and he’s been loving it, which is what helps me to realize that this is actually what he wants. Online it’s so much easier to lie about what you’re feeling, not that I really think Kat would do that, but… it’s possible, and I’m a paranoid person, heh. I think she’d tell me if she really didn’t want to do this.

The little bit that we did today, though, I really did enjoy it, and I was glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I can only hope that she enjoyed it as well. She agreed that it didn’t feel wrong when I said it, and she said “we have to let go of certain stigma. I’m trying.” and I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but I didn’t ask at the time. She said many other things which I liked, which I was happy to hear, and which should show how she’s feeling about everything, I think, but I still can’t help but wonder. When I’m pushing interactions I tend to overthink the motivation of everyone else involved, I can’t help it.

She said “I want you as you are…my wild strong lotus” and also “but you’re mine. it’s good to be queen.” Which I couldn’t help but chuckle at, but also enjoy. Really, I’ve been “whipped” by her (not literally) for quite some time. I mean, not only has she simply been possessive of me for quite some time, and I’ve been her her “therapist” (as we joked) for quite some time and also her friend and little more (other than both of us desiring more but being afraid to act on it), but I’ve always been wrapped around her little finger, and it’s been pretty obvious.

Things are looking up relationship-wise on all fronts, really. Master and I have talked about Kat and I and he doesn’t seem surprised at this turn, though he mentioned the difficulty of LDR’s, not that I really had to be reminded, I remember ours while we were apart, but it’s something to keep in mind anyway. Though, we already have the emotional connection, it’s just the D/s and the sexual we have to build now, and that may or may not be difficult. The sexual one has been there as an undercurrent for a very long time, it’s just never been acted on. The D/s is in some ways the most difficult part.

I can’t help but wonder how this will turn out, and I’m excited to find out.