taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, erotic psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Archive for the ‘a Love: Onyx’


06.28

2008

Cuntpet Revisited, or: A Horrible slave but a Wonderful cuntpet

This is something I’ve been meaning to post on for a while now, but I just haven’t been able to get around to it. Some of you may have noticed that I took cuntpet out of the title of this blog as well as out of the nick I was using (scarlet lotus cuntpet–now scarlet lotus sexgeek). Cuntpet.com still forwards to this site, and will for quite some time until/unless I choose to do something else with it, and I do still embrace my cuntpet-hood, it was not for that reason that I have taken it out, for it is still in the subtitle “24/7 submissive cuntpet” because that’s how I identify.

Cuntpet has come to be an identity for me, not just a name. This was also it’s original intention but I didn’t realize what that meant at the time. Another original intention of cuntpet was simply to get away from the term “slave.”

I dislike “slave” as my personal identity, and although I used to embrace it, I did not do so wholeheartedly. There has always been something not quite right about it for me, which brought me to the search for something different. I don’t like the historical connotations, or the indication that as a slave I would have no choice whatsoever. While I do think that is one thing which distinguishes slave from sub I also did not (and do not) embrace sub (though I embrace submissive, but that’s for another post). I believe that all consensual slaves have a choice, as they are choosing to be a slave, otherwise it cannot be consensual.

I also dislike the “I’m a slave, therefore somehow better than just a sub” mentality, though it’s nearly impossible to get away from. Not everyone feels like this, of course, and not everyone thinks there’s that sort of hierarchy within different BDSM roles. I don’t believe that someone who is a bedroom-only submissive is any more or less of a submissive than someone who is submissive in a 24/7 M/s relationship.

I didn’t realize how much I have started to dislike the identity of slave for me (not for others who choose to embrace it, just for me personally) until Master and I were talking earlier this week and he mentioned that I signed up to be his slave (which therefore has certain requirements along with it, that too is another post). It wasn’t appropriate at the time to correct him, though I mentioned it roundaboutly later, but inside my head I screamed “not slave! Cuntpet!” Though in some ways they mean the same thing. I even went through and changed all the references to me as “slave” in our contract, protocols, etc. to read “cuntpet” as you can see.

My idea of what it means to be a cuntpet has changed slightly since my original conception of it:

My use of the term “cuntpet” incorporates four dynamics within it: Owner/cunt, Owner/servant, Owner/fucktoy, and Owner/pet. All of these are similar and different in their own ways, some overlap to an extent, some are almost contradictory, and all of which I identify with and either have or am striving to have in my current relationship.

Owner/cunt is an identity which I have lifted from a post by cunt of Under His Hand, which I take to mean as a way of having fun with bratting and force fetishism within an Owner/owned framework. As she said: “I get to have my “force fetish” scratched without it having hidden meanings of anything bad. I get to dance out of reach and sing “make me” and then run like hell, because he will make me and it will hurt.” Basically I see this aspect as the ability to be stubborn and strong-willed at times, the ability to not be the “perfect slave,” and to play with force, bratting, but also not being able to get away with it, and being completely overpowered in the end.

The cunt aspect of my submissiveness is almost directly opposed to many ideas of what a “slave” or even a 24/7 submissive “should” be. I don’t subscribe to “should”s and think that everyone is able to embrace whatever label they so choose, because labels are not boxes, but categories, and nothing is confined to just one category (my complete view of labels will be another post).

Owner/servant is slightly more self-explanatory. I have come to think of this in some ways as being his personal assistant. I am here to assist him in any way he needs/desires, be that maintaining the cleanliness of the house, fetching him drinks, preparing meals, and all those other daily little things. This aspect of my submission to him does not come as easily to me as the other three aspects do, but mostly that is due to inherent procrastination and not the desire not to serve him.

I love doing things for him, don’t get me wrong. I love the look of happiness he gets on his face when I do something for him, and I love the warm feeling I get from serving him, but sometimes (like when I’m sore and have trouble moving, or when I’m in the middle of something else) it is difficult for me to do for him as quickly as he or I would like. I believe that servant/personal assistant (pa) is the weakest aspect of my submission, and something which I need to work more on, both for him and for me as well.

Owner/fucktoy incorporates the sexual aspects of my submission to him. This aspect represents my sexual willingness and desires, not encompassed by the other aspects. This is my having given over my body to him as his property, my willingness and desire to be used by him in any way he desires. Different from the cunt aspect which craves force, this aspect is the one which simply craves to be used like a whore, like a toy.

Willingness is a big part of this aspect. It’s about embracing and releasing my inner harlot, it’s about being an eager and shameless fucktoy for his (and my own) pleasure. It’s about giving in to all those sexual desires quaking within me. It’s about being able to be free in my sexuality. The ability to be fucked hard and thoroughly without any thought to my own pleasure, but deriving pleasure simply from being used exactly as we desire.

Owner/pet is also somewhat self-explanatory, though also has a bit of the servant and fucktoy aspects in it as well, which is part of why I chose cuntpet (though mostly because it was the best sounding and cuntservanttoypet is too long and doesn’t sound nearly as good). I have always said that I love to be fucked like a dirty whore but also pampered like a prized pet, depending on my mood and the mood of my Owner. Also, one of Master’s favorite terms for me is to call me his pet, it has been for a very long time.

This is the aspect which in some ways covers all the rest, but only with explanation, I think. If I was just to consider myself a pet the other aspects would not come through the same way as they do with cuntpet, though As I said in my first definition of cuntpet: pets can be strong and willful, independent, stubborn, and spirited, while at the same time being able to be tamed.

My darling Kat had a saying “A wild horse doesn’t need to be broken. If she is tamed properly she will still have fire in her eyes while eating out of the palm of your hand.” This quote, in some ways, encompasses the cunt, pet, and servant aspects. I am looking to be tamed, while still retaining everything about me. I desire to be overpowered, tamed, and trained into the mental mindset of each of the other aspects.

Cunt and fucktoy come the easiest to me, then pet, and servant. Even though I have the desire to serve and to do for him I have become jaded over the ten plus years I have been exploring and playing with aspects of my submission, not to mention it’s difficult to work up the desire to clean when it is way too hot outside and in (we lack air conditioning) and when I have things I want to write, and when… the list of excuses goes on. I do have the desire, but inertia is so much easier to give into rather than fight.

We are making massive steps forward, however. I am closer to the mindset I desire than I have been ever before, and we are working better than we have ever before. I constantly marvel at the fact that despite living together for two years, being together for three, I still elate when he comes home from work, or when I know I will see him after being apart for hours. I still ache for his touch, and desire to explore more with him.

One of our major downfalls was that our relationship started as completely sexual-based when I (we?) desired to have a mental D/s connection. Due to lots of hard work, however, we are closer to Owner and cuntpet than we have been before.

06.28

2008

Impromptu Ravishment Play

Please note: this post will contain talk of ravishment/rape play and is not meant to be a trigger for anyone who may have suffered from sexual assault. This post or participation in this activity does not condone any sort of non-consensual sexual activity.

As Tart said, “Do I want actual rape? Good lord no!” And I completely agree. I can’t express my feelings of horror when I think that people actually think it is acceptable to have sex with someone completely against their will, and yet I find consensual play incredibly arousing. Playing with vulnerability and putting myself in seemingly vulnerable situations is one of the strongest lures I have to BDSM in general, and is my pull to rape play.

There is something powerful in consensually giving oneself to another, something I’ve talked about numerous times before. Willfully putting oneself in the power of another to create the illusion of helplessness while still having some measure of control is all power play is about. Rape play is another form of power play, obviously, as most rape is about power, not about sex. Being able to pretend to struggle, to be “overpowered” and “forced” into submission is something which appeals to my force fetish and allows an outlet for my strong-willed and stubborn nature while also being in the context of Master’s and my relationship.

As said before: do I want to be raped? Do I want to be taken against my will? Of course not! I would even say: hell no! However, rape play is about the blending of one person’s will to struggle and be overpowered and the other’s will to overpower. It’s about mutual fantasies being fulfilled, and fully consensual and safe, even if it may not always completely feel like it in the moment.

That said, on to the scenario.

Master and I were lying in bed, talking, teasing each other. He moved on top of me and grabbed my wrists as he often does, I struggled a little more than usual, and he became more forceful. As he became more forceful I began to struggle even more, saying “no” and “stop” and trying (not too hard) to get out of his grasp. He told me what he was going to do to me, he slid a finger inside me and told me how wet I was, that I wanted it, and I disagreed.

He began fucking me hard, wonderfully, and he continued teasing me about my desire, which I constantly refused to admit until he slowed down and then took his cock out of me. I whimpered and refused to admit it for a few moments before giving in, furthering the scenario by admitting to be a horny slut, begging to be fucked, begging to be used, begging for his cum.

The few force scenes that we’ve done have ended that way. It’s a long-time fantasy of mine, being discovered as a slut, being called out on it even if I’m pretending to resist. It is something Master loves as well, he’s the one who always turns it to that aspect of it. “Non-consent” erotic stories (or, consensual non-consent scenarios) were what lead me to BDSM in the first place.

These are desires that, when I look into the origin of them, don’t make much logical sense. But, then, what desires really do? The desire to be out of control for me (a control freak) is a big mixture of scary, exciting, and arousing. The same can be said for vulnerability. One of the nice things about rape play is that it allows me to be scared in a way that regular play does not. I can work with feeling scared and vulnerable in a space where I can let those emotions out while still knowing that I am safe and cared for (despite the appearance of otherwise from an unknowing outside observer).

06.12

2008

ThunderFuck

Last night I was so close to cumming I just couldn’t. I was right on the edge, but something just didn’t click the way it should have, and I ended up frustrated, though less frustrated than I was a few months ago when the similar thing happened. Part of (or maybe the entirety of) the reason I was less frustrated was because of the difference in the relationship dynamics between Master and me. I was annoyed that I didn’t cum, and he said something along the lines of “be thankful you got that much” and it somehow put things in perspective.

Despite not cumming, it was still a wonderful and delicious fucking session. He hadn’t fucked me since Sunday and said I was spoiled by our vacation, during which we had sex nearly every night. He had me admit to how badly I wanted him to fuck me, and then he fucked me nice and hard, my legs on his shoulders, him pinning me down as he rammed into me. It was good, and perfect, and one of my favorite positions.

There was thunder and lightening outside, and after he came Master opened the blinds so we could see the streaks of light across the sky. Master and I both are big fans of thunder and lightening, and he began fingering me while I was laying with my head near the foot of the bed so that I could watch the sky light up. He had me rub my clit, and after I asked to cum he told me that I could after the next lightning strike.

I whimpered and moaned and tried to hold on as long as I could, but there was a definite gap, as lightning had just struck before I asked. I held on for so long that when he finally told me I could cum, I couldn’t. I was so close but I had trouble letting go, and I ended up not cumming at all. I was disappointed, frustrated, and so close to the edge that I felt like I was going to pop, but for some reason I just… couldn’t!

But, his words to put me back into my place, remind me that cumming is a privilege, not a right, and that really did the trick. I consider this a testament to the way our relationship has furthered, and him saying it as a testament to that as well. I didn’t feel any resentment or annoyance, I was just content with what he had said. All the discomfort and disappointment melted away into loving him.

That’s right, I thought, I should be lucky he gave me the pleasure that he did. Not because I don’t deserve it, but because I have chosen to give my body and my self over to him to do with as he pleases. If my cumming pleases him, then I should cum. If my hanging right on the edge so long that I am somehow unable to cum pleases him, then I shouldn’t cum. This is what I have been wanting for, to feel owned, to be cherished, and even to be denied if necessary.

06.06

2008

Transformation at a Good Pace

Three nights ago (Monday) was the first night we implemented the new way of greeting. I am to have dinner ready, be freshly showered, and be waiting, kneeling and naked, with my collar offered to him, when he gets home from work. He works late and doesn’t get home until a little after 10pm, so I have a bit of time usually after I get home to relax, get other things done, and then make dinner and shower and get ready for his arrival. It’s been really amazing to have that more dedicated and ritualistic presentation to him when he first comes home, offering myself at his cuntpet, getting into that mindset right away.

He’s also implemented a few other things, such as asking to use the furniture, and we have been calling each other by our role names more often, by which I mean Master and scarlet/pet/cuntpet/etc. respectively. There are more things which I believe would be helpful for us to implement, as just the asking to sit on furniture is itself a little odd, since we don’t have others surrounding it. Something like having to ask to leave the room, or to go to the bathroom, or things like that. Making sure to ask, also, whenever I get up, if he needs anything, things like that.

Little details and little rituals are so amazingly important, especially in a live-in 24/7 situation. I think our earlier downfall, which we are now correcting, was letting little things slide.

He has also begun to simply act in a different manner, as have I. We are both focusing more on these chosen power roles which we inhabit, and so we are able to be in them more and with much more ease than before. Things have changed in leaps and bounds and we have gotten farther in the last week or so than (I feel) we have in quite some time. While we usually make small improvements here and there, we have been changing more monumental things which are, at the same time, all the details.

It is really amazing to feel this transformation. I have become a lot less resistant, though still smart-mouthed and bratty to an extent, but more accepting of his domination over me. He has become more easily able to tap into his domination and has become more attentive to the details in order for us to sustain our roles. We’ve really gotten closer to where I feel comfortable, and we’re both enjoying it a lot.

06.01

2008

The Aim of Discussion is This

Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.

Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.

However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.

Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.

This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.

I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.

My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.

While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.

After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.

We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.

One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.

I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.

05.21

2008

I'm Veruca Salt: I Want It Now!

I feel I need to make a few clarifications to my last post. I think it came out as a lot harsher than I meant it. I pointed Master to it last night and mentioned that I thought it might come off a little stronger than I meant it, and he said that it was pretty harsh. It was really just unrestrained pouring of the situation onto the screen and I realized afterward reading it over again that it was a little too blunt and came off as really blunt, harsh, and worse than I meant it.

I end up writing things a bit stronger or exaggerated than they actually are sometimes, because I build things up in my head, it’s just the way I do things. I over-analyze and often tend to blow things out of proportion in my head while I’m in the middle of analyzing and figuring them out, and I often write about things from the middle of that analyzation and they end up coming off a lot more strongly than I actually think about them or more strongly than they actually are… if that makes sense.

While everything I wrote was true to an extent, it is also not true at all times, but are things which I struggle with and I’m trying to work through and figure out for myself. Not everything I said about him, specifically disappointment, are true all the time. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases, but these are things which we have talked about and which are better than they were a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago. We do talk about things, and my writing here is a catalyst for the beginning of those conversations, which is part of the reason why I write in here.

Things are not quite as bad as I sometimes make them out to be. We are moving forward, we are talking about things, we are changing. We’re constantly in a state of figuring out what works still, as both of us have all sorts of hangups that we are working through. But, we definitely are moving forward. We are worlds away from where we were (nearly) two years ago when I moved to be with him. We are also far from where we were even just last week. Every week, every day, brings us closer to the way we want to be.

After the post we had a very long talk about everything. We came to some wonderful conclusions, including acknowledging the efforts each of us has been putting in. I say a lot that he’s not meeting my standards, not living up to my expectations, but only because I have unreasonable expectations. I’m Veruca Salt, really. I want the world, and I want it now! I’m the queen of instant gratification, and I want us to be the way I know we will be one day right NOW! This is not to say that I don’t appreciate the changes both he and I have made over the years, nor do I not acknowledge that we are much closer to our goal than we were before, but I do sometimes get frustrated that we are not as far as I would like us to be.

We both have a lot of hang ups, emotional blocks, and things that each of us has to work through and work with and figure out. We have gotten through many of them already, but there are still many more to go. The most important thing is that we are both dedicated to making us work. I have thought about leaving, but I would never bring myself to do that. Thoughts of leaving a difficult situation are normal, really, and they have crossed my mind from time to time, but only in the depths of my own paranoia and crazyness.

I love this man more than anything, and I am devoted to him, even if I have doubts, or find him annoying at times, and even when he doesn’t do exactly what I want him to do. Though, that’s part of my problem that I’m working on. I need to be submissive on his terms, not on my terms. I need to give up my ideas of what a situation should be like and focus on what it is, and focus on him rather than me. I need to have faith, like glen said. It’s difficult when I know lots of times he doesn’t think about things the same way I do, and it’s been difficult to have faith when I know that quite often he lets things slide and he defaults to vanilla, but he’s working on that, and I’m working on having less expectations, and we’re both working on communicating more.

More later, I have lots more to write.

The Same, but Different

Some of you may not know, but I am currently on vacation, or “holiday” as they say over where I last was. We were in England for five days, Stansted for a day and then Brighton, which was where we met Kat and glen. Brighton was amazing. Now we are in Norway, Stavanger specifically, which is where Master grew up. There will be more of an update on the vanilla stuff in my regular journal soon, once I have the time to sit down and go through everything.

There has been a lot going on inside me as far as Master and Kat and glen. I find myself wanting exactly what I posted before about my ideal situation. I can’t imagine my life without any of them in it, and on that far off day when they are able to live together I hope that we will be able to live next door to them, or at least very close. I’m sure we can all pull it off.

I had a fit on I think it was Tuesday night. We had all been drinking, and I had on my wireless remote-controlled vibrator, which Master had been teasing me with all night. I had gotten used to it, but it was still annoying. Outside Kat pulled my hair and I turned into mush, but I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure I did a little because I was drunk. When I was in the bathroom Master passed on the remote to Kat, which I didn’t know about. When I came back glen said a few things regarding not being mean to me, which I didn’t quite get, until I found out she had the remote.

When it was uncovered, when she handed it back to Master, I realized I would have acted differently if I had known she had it. This sent me into questioning why I would have acted differently, and I realized that I felt more submissive to her than I do to my own Master. I know part of that is that she is now off limits, in some ways, she’s someone I want but can’t have the way I would like, and that makes it all the more painful not to have her. The thing is, I really would rather them be together than she be with me, because I know and have known for quite some time that they are simply perfect together, and the trip just emphasized that. I have no desire to come between them, but I do still have these desires and I’m working on that.

I have a lot of issues with being with Master, a lot of heterosexual guilt for one thing, but also a lot of mistrust of him. I shut down that night, and they gave me all sorts of attention which in one way made it worse, but glen was the best that night. He said the most perfect things to me in the hallway, and things which I know but things I haven’t embraced fully. I’m wondering if I am able to with Master. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m smarter than him in some ways, though not in others too, and also knowing that if I’m stubborn enough I can usually get my way, and knowing that he will forget things that he’s said or not pay attention to the details of things when I will. I know he will disappoint me, or, I anticipate it, and I really shouldn’t.

Part of the reason, too, why I’ve come to desire Kat so much is that I know she is an extremely mental Dominant, and that is what I crave. I can’t be mentally dominated by someone who I expect to disappoint me, and I know that, and I’m working on getting out of that mentality, but it’s difficult. I am better than I was a year ago, I’m even better than I was last week, I think, but at the same time he will have to work on things. Consistency is something which I need badly, and it’s something that I haven’t really gotten, but I’ve expressed this to him before, and nothing seems to change.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much, and maybe that’s my problem, along with the disappointment thing. I’m expecting too much from him and when he doesn’t deliver I get upset and depressed and it’s harder for me to submit to him. I know now that I crave domination, I just need to actually feel dominated, and he doesn’t really do that, but part of that is my fault, because I won’t let him dominate me. It’s a two-way street as I’ve mentioned in other posts. He needs to take control, he needs to make me do things, but I also need to give him that control and I need to do the things he tells me to.

We’ve gotten better, in some ways, just in the last week. He’s calling me scarlet more, and I love when he calls me scarlet. I actually do things when he calls me scarlet, too, which is something I think he’s realizing. I know it means business when he calls me that, I guess, or something like that. I have been trying to have faith, like glen says, I’m trying to put myself in the mindset that he needs my help, my submission.

I have been trying to view myself in the ways that I have outlined in this blog, which I have believed or wanted but not actually put myself into that position. I have been thinking of myself as his personal assistant, and I’m needing to mention this to him as well, as I think it would help him in having me do things for him, which is difficult for him in some ways. I’m his personal assistant, his fucktoy, his bratty/sassy cunt, and his precious pet. This is basically what I said back in my first post about owner/cuntpet, and something I’ve embraced but also not quite taken to heart, and also something I have a slightly different perspective on now. I’ve got much more to say about all this, but that’s for another post.

05.07

2008

Energy Flows Constantly

When studying masochism, people have these ideas that it is all about sacrifice and martyrdom and the desire to be punished. While this is true to an extent, I don’t believe it’s wholly true. Beatings, humiliation, being helpless, they’re all ways to get to a different mindset, to experience sensation. The only reason why we view this sensation as bad is because that’s what society thinks it is. Pain is bad, pain should be avoided. Pain gives us an endorphin high similar to that we get from drugs. Pain is not the desired effect it’s the sensation that comes along with it.

The same with any sort of submission, be it physical or mental, it’s all about getting to that place of sensation, of giving, of doing for another. The thing about BDSM is that it is seen as so one-sided, when really it is all about giving and taking on both sides at different times. As different people practice and experience BDSM in different ways, this is simply my way, my experience, and not to be generalized too broadly, but meant to be taken as mine.

Basically, someone is always giving and taking and someone is always taking and giving. Giving someone the gift of sensation, as Tops do to bottoms in the bedroom, also allows the Top to take pleasure from the situation, whether it is beating, fucking, making them bound and helpless, humiliating, anything, both parties are getting what they want and desire from the situation. And then, outside of the bedroom, the bottom giving their gift of submission is them able to give themselves overabundantly to the Top, while gaining pleasure from doing so. The Top is gaining pleasure from the submission of the bottom while also giving the bottom reciprocal energy and love.

This is the give and flow of energy.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it all was very clear to me on Saturday night. Basically, regardless of the situation, it is always time for both the Top and bottom to win. They are both getting exactly what is wanted and needed out of the situation. There is no punishment going on, really, (except when punishment is needed but that is only for bad behavior). There is only giving and taking of sensation, pleasure, energy, submission, and love.

At any given time both the Top and the bottom are getting something out of the interaction, both are selfish and selfless at the same time. This could be said for any relationship, really, but I believe it is heightened due to the heightened nature of interaction within BDSM relationships. Many (both outside and within the lifestyle) see the relationship as one-sided, that the Top is simply selfish and desiring great things from the bottom. However, the bottom is rewarded for hir actions through certain means, and the Top is rewarded for hir rewarding through other means.

Without the openness of both parties, a successful interaction will never take place. This is what Master and I have had such a hard time with. When we were first together, first met, I gave myself to him overabundantly. I tried to shower him with my love, my desire for him, and it was too much for him. He has a hard time expecting others to do things for him, he has a hard time receiving love and being open to it. I get this now, though I didn’t then. It has hurt our dynamic quite a bit, but we are slowly getting to the place where we can work again.

I have been more than receptive of taking from him, and he has been more than willing to give. However, it’s the other way around, it’s what most people think of as D/s, that is where we have problems. I shut myself off to him for quite some time because I was hurting, because I had given so much of myself to him and had gotten nothing in return, so by the time I moved here I was fragile and defensive and didn’t want to give anything to him ever again. This wasn’t conscious, it’s just the way it works. In return, since I was not giving and he has trouble taking, we didn’t do much aside from bedroom stuff, which I see as him giving and me taking.

For quite a while I tried to make him dominate me in other arenas. I was pushing him to take so I could give… it was a very backwards way of doing it, and it really didn’t work at all. I’ve gotten back to the place of desiring to give to him overabundantly, but it has taken quite some time to get here.

Part of what really helped me with the short-lived relationship with Kat was that she made me give myself to her, not the other way around. She wouldn’t do anything unless I was the one to initiate it, unless I was the one to submit to her, as opposed to her dominating me. I only started with her after Master and I had repaired some of the breaches in our relationship, as I was determined to do, but submitting to her, shortly and really not largely as I did was enough to remind me what it was like to be with someone who was willing and desiring to receive what I had to give.

Master and I have been better about it, and now that I’m done with school he’s made it pretty clear that he is going to demand more from me, and I’m very okay with that. I mean… I am and I’m not, heh, but mostly I am. We’re moving to a place that is extremely necessary and extremely important, and it’s taken us nearly two years to get here, but it couldn’t have happened any other way.

Relationship Shapes

I’ve been thinking a lot about how Master and I met lately. I’m not sure why… it popped into my head the other day, thinking that I should send the person who basically introduced us something, a thank you card or fruit basket.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own sexuality as well (big surprise), and I’ve been thinking about Kat and glen and how the four of us will work together. I think it will end up being kind of an N shaped relationship, with each | being our primary relationships, me and Master, Kat and glen, and then the \ bit being us to each other.

Although I adore glen and want to become good friends with him I don’t think we would have a deep romantic or sexual relationship. Some playing may occur, who knows! I mean, we’ve talked about him being made to suck my strap-on while we’re in England, and various other things like that, but that would be more casual… I should see if he agrees. I think he does… I’m so bad at emailing even when I want to! I blame finals. I mean, I’m not against developing a deeper relationship with him, but I think our interactions would be through Kat, and also as friends and snuggle buddies and things like that, but not… I don’t know if I’m explaining this right.

In my ideal world, we four would be able to get houses right next to each other, have our seperate primary relationships in each house, Master and I could babysit for them on occasion when they were needing to get into sexy kinky stuff, things like that. We would all be great friends, and each of our primary relationships would come first, but Kat and I would have a fair amount of alone time as well, and also we would have times when all four of us got together and played, or some combination thereof (Kat with glen and me while Master was at work, Master and Kat with me while glen was at work, or things like that…).

However, this ideal world would not be for a long time coming, but I’m willing to wait and just see how things go, how things progress. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, for the past week or so, but have been having a hard time working everything out. I started this post last Friday or Saturday, but had to think about it more before being able to get into it fully.

I’ve also been thinking about my own sexuality and my relationship with Master specifically. He’s mentioned that he would not be interested in having another sub, and I’m way down for that, I don’t think I would want him with another sub. He and I with another sub, however… that could be hot. I’d be interested to see the power dynamic there. I’ve been thinking a lot about exploring my more Dominant side, I think I would want to do it while I myself was being Dominated, showing off for my Dom/me, as it were.

There are a lot more musings of this sort… and I’ll get to them later. For now, though, I have a paper to write.

04.23

2008

My Name

As I’ve mentioned previously, Master and I have been looking for a cuntpet name for me for quite some time, but have been unable to find one that has fit. I’ve been wanting a name as an aid to training, an aid to submitting, a little extra control over me.

So, today, Master found my name for me. I was pondering changing my username on livejournal. The two options I first came up with were scarletlotus and feministfucktoy. Both Master and Kat voted for scarletlotus. So, to Master, I mentioned that I agreed, was leaning toward that, and asked what he thought of having scarlet be his name for me.

His response: I was thinking about just that this morning.

How’s that for kismet?

In addition to it fitting me like a custom-made corset, it also has spiritual associations for both Master and myself. In addition, as Kat calls me her lotus or her flower, being able to use scarletlotus is a blending of Master’s and Miss’ names for me. It just fits so well for this section of my life.

~scarlet lotus sexgeek~