lotusWelcome! I’m Tai Quyn Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a educator, artist, occultist, harlot, and gentlefemme about town. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I currently identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, queer theory, depth psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Archive for the ‘Adipose’


06.17

2010

Being Size-Positive but Still Wanting to Lose Weight

This is something I know a lot of people struggle with. It’s something I’ve struggled with before because I was looking at things from the wrong perspective. Something I’ve written about before a long while ago is the idea of size vs. health. I still think this is true. The idea of being size-positive is, in my mind, about promoting health at every size as well as allowing yourself to love your body at the size it is, regardless of whether you are working to change your body or not.

Advertising society wants us to hate our body the way it is so they can promote their product and we will want to buy it. If we feel incomplete as people and have been told that in order to be complete we must consume than that is exactly what we will do. We are taught it’s okay to shame fat people, that being fat is a choice because it’s “so easy” to lose weight. Obviously it’s easy, otherwise it wouldn’t be a billion plus dollar industry and we wouldn’t have diet pills and other “easy” ways to lose weight that may or may not actually work for you but will almost definitely not be healthy. It’s difficult to escape from those pressures that are put on us, the capitalism, body-hatred, and, really, self-hatred that is sewn in to our cores.

We are also taught that in order to change our body we must hate it, you can’t lose weight and love or be happy with your body, those two things cannot coexist according to the values of society, but I say this is wrong. You can love your body and be actively wanting to change it, but it requires a consciousness shift. Unfortunately that includes giving up the idea that losing weight is going to be quick and simple, because if it’s quick and simple it’s usually not healthy and won’t last.

Because I love my body I want to be healthier. I am actively trying to get healthier, which does, for me, include losing weight. Not everyone needs to lose weight in order to be healthier, no matter what size you are. I’m looking at weight loss as a by-product of becoming healthier, not the end-product. Looking at weight loss as the end-product can lead to unhealthy habits.

I have lost about twenty five pounds in the last six plus months, I’ve been doing it slowly and I am not doing it in a way that is unhealthy or (hopefully) going to rebound on me. It’s not as simple as eating less and exercising more, people say that to fat people all the time but, unless they are fat themselves, they don’t really understand what that means. Fat bodies store fat in different ways, otherwise you couldn’t have two people eating the exact same diet (and I don’t mean “diet” in the sense of “weight-loss diet” but in the sense of “what we eat”) and becoming different sizes, hell I know many skinny people who eat way worse than I do, yet weigh over a hundred pounds less than I do.

In a way I’ve been eating better and exercising more, but it’s more than that. I had been doing that for years, actually. I started seeing a personal trainer in 2008 and I wouldn’t say I’m exercising any more now than I was then, but I wasn’t losing weight then and I am now. I wasn’t eating much different than I am now either, and yet now I’m losing weight and then I was staying the same. A few periods in time in the last few years I tried calorie counting and was eating under what my calorie intake should be to maintain my current weight along with doing a fair amount of exercise. I was drinking lots of water. I was going to the gym at least three times a week doing, usually at very least an hour and a half each day. And yet I wasn’t losing weight and I am now. What’s different? I would say my attitude is different and I’m less depressed, and that alone is probably the reason for the shift. The brain is powerful. There are many other factors as well, and although I’m eating similarly there are probably some different eating habits, but it’s hard to quantify, and I know that is not the entirety of it.

Back to the point I’m really trying to make for a moment, though. We can love our body and want to change it, the two ideas are not mutually exclusive, it’s all about looking at it from a different and, dare I say it, healthier point of view. Most people who try to lose weight are doing it from a place of body-hatred so they end up going on extreme diets or making radical changes which will not hold up in the long run. Six or so years ago I lost upwards of fifty pounds by changing my eating habits pretty drastically. I was still in “plus size” clothes, but I could shop at “small size” clothing stores mostly without a problem (I was around a 14/16), but just like most diets it didn’t last and I ended up gaining around a hundred pounds over the next five or so years.

I’m slowly working my way down, but I think that mental health is drastically overlooked when we look at weight loss. Our mind needs to be on board and we have to find ways that work for us as individuals, encourage positive reinforcement, not think in absolutes, etc. There isn’t some magical formula that you can apply and make weight disappear, it won’t happen overnight or in a month, and if it does it probably won’t last. Eating less and exercising more isn’t the answer, eating better (notice I didn’t say “less”) and exercising more is a good start, but only if it’s something you can do forever.

If we love our body, if we can love our lives and come to existence from a generally positive point of view than we can achieve more than otherwise, and do it in a better and healthier way. Health is extremely important, and you don’t need to be “small sized” in order to be healthy, and you can be size-positive and still want to be healthier.

A side note: the automatic reaction, I think, when someone expresses losing weight is to congratulate them regardless of how they did it, if it was healthy or unhealthy, etc. I think this is bullshit and simply perpetuates sizeist ideas. Next time you have the urge to do that I suggest you try finding out the underlying reasons for the weight loss rather than assuming it’s a good thing and congratulate their healthy activities rather than their weight loss itself.

08.21

2009

Size & Sexuality Study – N.N.*

adipositivity124Number 124 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the twelfth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

This set of responses comes anonymously from a 28 year old “femme (sometimes ultra-femme) female” lesbian who is “As married as I can be in Virginia.”

What size is your body?

I am a size 20 – currently 235 pounds – so definitely large

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?

Not so comfortable now, since I just gained 40 pounds in a year, after losing those same 40 pounds the year before.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?

I’ve been large my entire life. Two years ago, I actually managed to start losing weight and dropped 40 pounds, and 2 dress sizes – I was actually buying clothes in the regular sections, not the plus size. I felt pretty okay with my body before the weight loss, but then really felt great afterwards. I was wearing much more form fitting clothes and went out a lot more. Thats when I met my wife, and was pretty confidant the whole time, which is partly why she was attracted. Then, I had to start some new medicine, and all the weight came back. Since then, I’ve been very negative towards my body – I know I’ve been driving my wife nuts with the negative talk – and I’m trying to get back into losing the weight again, and stop the negative back talk.

How important is sexuality to your life?

Very – I love sex. Our bedroom is a shrine to our combined nymphomaniac sex and sex toy addictions. Well, not quite addictions, but I’m not saying no anytime soon. I know the best way to cure a headache is sex :)

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?

I love sex – and since I’ve come out, its been a much more positive relationship. When I was younger, and still trying to fit into the heterosexist norms, I was very promiscuous, because I craved sex and the closeness with another human being, but on the other hand, hated being that close to a man. I would actually get physically ill afterwards sometimes, and of course, I was the most stereotypical commitment-phobe – no one came to my place, and I never had breakfast. But after accepting myself for who I am, and getting over the ingrained homophobia, I’ve never loved it more! Unfortunately, with the weight gain, I’ve found myself more reluctant, but my wife always makes me feel so sexy when we’re getting to it!

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?

Not so much now that I’m larger – if I can lose the weight again, I think I would be much more comfortable. Definitely will not be going to fetish ball in my leather corset this year.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?

Rather uncomfortable – at least it seems that the younger folks are. Even when I was under 200, the people attracted to me were usually older – thirties, forties and even fifties. Younger girls (and guys when at a hetero bar) would sometimes even make nasty comments. But when I was confidant about my body, it seemed that most of the mature people were very positive about my overtly sexual attire – but now, with the extra weight and lowered confidence, I’m not sure it would go over as well.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?

I think since I actually lost weight for the first time in my life (as opposed to just gaining), when I did gain it back again, I was much more negatively affected than ever before. It was almost like a I got a glimpse of life on the thin(ner) side, and now can’t accept the change. This might be okay if it could be a positive influence, but I’ve never lost weight when I’m trying to lose weight – I lost weight by giving up on losing weight and just trying to get more healthy. My sex drive, while still healthy, has also dropped off some since the weight gain, and I think its because of how self-conscious I am about my body now. Plus, with the new weight gain, I’m not as proportioned as I used to be – used to, I didn’t like my size and I was hourglass – now I’m an apple, and look like bigger than my size, so its been a difficult adjustment.

Anything else you would like to add?

I’d love to hear what others have said! Especially the skinny women who always stand in front of us big women and complain how fat they are – I’ve always wondered if they really think that, or if they are just fishing for compliments (which, by the way, I never give – Instead I suggest weight watchers ;)

*N.N. stands for “nomen nescio”, Latin for “I don’t know the name.”

07.29

2009

Size and Sexuality Study – Jane Doe

adipositivity278Image from The Adipositivity Project

This is the eleventh of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

This set of responses comes anonymously from a 34 year old “woman? not butch, not femme” lesbian who is “in an (open) relationship (i say open in brackets since neither of us have actually acted upon the opening up of it yet, and we haven’t quite worked out how this will take place exactly).”

What size is your body?
quite big all round, especially my thighs, I am a US size 18 for pants (UK size 20) – if they’re cut right… tops are easily 1-2 sizes less. (I don’t live in either of the countries I mention, and where I live I am way above average). if this helps, medically I am obese (and no longer just overweight).

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I have always been overweight, ever since I can remember. I tend to oscillate between not paying any attention to it (as long as I don’t put on any more weight), and dieting strictly. I get very frustrated when I make a big effort to diet and it doesn’t work. I don’t recognise the image I get from mirrors – my inner image of myself hasn’t kept up with my weight increase.

Having said that, I do like my body in itself. I do wish it were smaller; but I also wish all that social pressure and absurd anorexic role models didn’t exist.

So, when I’m on my own and away from society I love my body- I feel self-conscious with people I don’t know, but I am happy to walk about naked on my own (I rather enjoy this), and also when my girlfriend is there. I probably don’t look at it much though…

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
Though I am bigger now, I am more comfortable with my body size now than as a teenager, when I would hide it more deliberately. I look at photos from the time and can only laugh at what I thought about it then -didn’t like it!-, and I’d love to come even close to the size I then was!

I have recently (3 yrs or so) done some sporadic yoga practice, and partly through this I have stopped thinking of myself and my body as two separate things. I hadn’t realised how I was doing this! I am trying to treat my body better.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Sexuality is very important right now. I have since my teenage years been very aware of my sensuality (my body’s!) and enjoyed that aspect very much, although not consistently, rather on and off (I have also gone through very, very nerdy, ultra-intellectual phases).

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
This has also changed, it used to be that if I didn’t have a sexual partner I would try not to think about sex (but would seize any occasion to express this!). Nowadays I fell a lot more sexual and am exploring this intensely.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I am extremely comfortable – in the privacy of my home or my partner’s, on my own or with her. But not outside. I can be very self-conscious. I often don’t wear prettier, more striking clothes for feeling that dressing up a lot looks ridiculous on my body. I go for neutral, trying not to stand out. I am also shy by nature but my size has never helped… If I am considering approaching a girl I find attractive, it never occurs to me that she might not reject me because of my body, since that is the reaction I expect from everyone; I assume only after they get to know me there might be a chance that they decide to overlook the fact that I am fat… and so, unless I am already desperately in love, or maybe if I’m very very drunk, I never approach anyone.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
I am very aware of the anorexic role-models in today’s society and all the pressure put on women through them. I always comment on -and am comforted by- how famous paintings depict women with nice round bellies and hips as sexual, eg in famous artistic nudes. Look at the first bikinis and the girls who modelled them – they all had a belly and a nice round bottom! So I am aware that the extreme rejection of body fat is a circumstantial, prejudiced view of our times, and cannot be accepted as objective. I rebel against it; however, I still feel the enormous pressure out there and I hate it. – I also realise I am much bigger than the female figures I mentioned, but it is in this society where I will be furthest from the touted ideal. I also feel it is unfair that men are not rejected immediately for their size, at least if they are intelligent or succesful, and women don’t have that luxury. This I find particularly harrowing: I am successful on an intellectual level, but will stay a social pariah.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Of course! I have slowly come to terms with my body, but the outside obstacles to expressing my sexuality remain. This excludes my girlfriend, but they would reappear if I were single again, or when I consider whether or how to actively seek fuckingbuddies withing my open relationship. It’s not just a stupid hang-up: first impressions are extremely important, and I can’t help my body size (or stupid social obsessions) from playing a big part in them.

Anything else you would like to add?
I do feel very lucky to be lesbian, though, because the pressure on straight women is so much greater. Until I fell madly in love with a girl and realised I was a lesbian, I used to date men, and I felt even more inadequate. Either growing old or lesbian relationships or both have helped immensely in the positive changes I described in earlier answers.

07.26

2009

Size & Sexuality Study – Lori

adipositivity268Image from The Adipositivity Project

This is the tenth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

Lori is a 38 year old female who is “straight, with long held and so far unfulfilled bi curiosity (straight with a slight curve, perhaps?)” and married.

What size is your body?
Last weight put me around 300, but the number means little to me. Carry my weight in my hips, thighs and ass, mostly. Although, I have never considered myself to seem out of proportion or necessarily pear shaped.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I am quite comfortable within myself. I have days where I want to stay in the bed and do nothing but hide from the world, but I have never considered those ‘fat’ days. I wish it were easier to find stylish clothes, but have never blamed this on my body as much as the fashion industry who doesn’t recognize me, or on a society which refuses to accept that I have as much right to great clothes in a size 30 as someone who is a 0. My body size isn’t something I think about a whole lot. I like my body size, and feel very comfortable in my own skin. I’m lucky that way, as many of my girlfriends – thin or fat – don’t seem to share that.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I was very lucky to have had influences in my life that propelled me toward healthy self-esteem. I certainly went through a phase of self hatred, which I commonly refer to as high school. Post high school though, I realized that I could really care less how other people judged me. I came to the conclusion that I had no reason not to love myself and haven’t really looked back on that. I have had successful relationships, both long term and…shall we say rather shorter term? I never felt that my size should be an issue, and I’ve tried not to make it one in my head, either. I have gained weight over the years, but in those years my attitude toward my body has actually become more accepting, rather than less as might be expected.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Extremely important. I love my sexuality, and I love expressing it. As much as possible.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I started having sex when I was 18. Not good sex. Just sex. It filled a need, but barely. I was having sex back then, but I don’t think I can say that I saw myself as a particularly sexual being. Over the years, I have realized that I am extremely sexual, and with this epiphany have also opened myself up to new experiences. In the past I think there was always a part of me that I declined to face; the part that said that I wasn’t allowed to be exactly who I was. It is possible that my weight played into this, but I’m not sure that is where the roots were truly planted. I believe that it is more likely that I recognized in myself needs and behaviours that seemed to clash with what I thought to be ‘normal’ for me. I had a far harder time accepting my sexuality than I ever did my weight. I have come to realize that the state of normal exists only in what we are contented with. It’s really only been in the last few years that I have not only found what satisfies me, but also have come to embrace it as another facet of myself that I am perfectly content with. I realize that there are any number of people out there who will equate my weight with some form of self-protection to “keep me from facing” my sexuality. I understand that thinking. However, in my case, it was at my heaviest that I truly realized how sensual and sexual a being I am.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Very comfortable. No wilting flower am I. I have no trouble expressing myself and my sexuality.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Not comfortable at all. Society is not comfortable in accepting my body, so how is it possible for it to accept my body as sexual? There are a lot of facets of society that seem to hold very unshakable opinions as to what fat women are supposed to be. And a confident, sexy, sexual woman is not often equated with a fat one.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I have noticed a link, actually. But it’s probably not one that would come to the mind of someone looking at me from the outside. As my sexuality has blossomed, I have come to love my body even more. It’s a very simple equation. How could that which gives me so much pleasure, and is capable of providing others so much pleasure, be anything but a gift? I cherish my body, because it is capable of so much. The fact that my body isn’t a size two doesn’t equal sexless, or loveless. The more I’ve let my body experience, the more I stand in wonder at what a marvelous thing it is.

03.24

2009

Size & Sexuality Study – Holly

hollysexy
Image provided by Holly

This is the ninth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh
Read the seventh: Emily
Read the eighth: slf

Holly is a 25 year old Pansexual Femme who currently has one boyfriend but is looking to develop friendships that could lead to a polyamorous relationship). You can find her on her myspace page.

What size is your body?
I’m 5″ 7. about 300lbs. I feel (and have been told) that I carry my weight very well.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I’m comfortable being naked (and enjoy it) most of the time. In my daily dress I enjoy looking sexy and wear clothing that other bigger girls might not be comfortable wearing. I no longer try to hide my curves, instead I accentuate them.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
Very much. Up until about 4 years ago I did everything I could to hide my body. Baggy clothes, sex with the lights off. Then I realized that my fat wasn’t going to disappear overnight and I had to learn to love myself the way I am right now.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Very, I love the connection involved with being sexual with someone. I’m fairly picky about my partners though because alot of the things I enjoy sexually requires a good connection and trust.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
This is probably the biggest change. I use to believe in waiting untill marriage and only having one partner in my life. As I got older I realized I could never be happy being with just one person, and that there are many people I could both love and be intimate with…and this is what would help bring me happiness.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Extremely comfortable surrounded by the right people or alone.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
As a BBW I feel that there are many people who see my body as being very sexy, but since society still views thin people as being the sexiest many people attracted to BBW’s feel that they have to keep it a secret.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
The older I get and the more confident, supportive, kinky people I meet the more I learn to love and accept my body and sexuality.

Size & Sexuality Study – Callaigh

callaigh
Image provided by Callaigh

This is the sixth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E

Callaigh is a 22 year old who describes herself as “about 98% female. I suppose technically I count as bigendered, as there is a small corner of my brain that identifies as male and likes to check women out, and would fuck them if I had the body to go with. (On the other hand, lesbian sex with a woman as a woman does absolutely nothing for me.) I don’t take particular steps to dress femininely on a regular basis, and have cross-dressed on occasion (and identified, internally at least, as male while en homme.) I don’t feel like I can really call myself bigendered, though, as that seems to exaggerate the presence of my animus — it’s nowhere near half and half, and I consider myself basically female with a little corner of separate, male identity.”

When asked to describe her sexual orientation she says: “[I am] quite heterosexual — both my female and male identities. :p (It took me a few years to figure out that I wasn’t bisexual, though, since I do find women attractive…just from a male point of view.)” Currently “I have a best-friend-I-sleep-with, whom I’ll call Dov here. We’re also currently sharing living quarters, a new experience for me.

Her writing can be read on darknestfantasyerotica.com under the name Callaigh, and she is on FetLife as callaigh_warbright.

What size is your body?
Well, heh, I am 5’6″ and shaped like a female dwarf in World of Warcraft — that’s what I tell most people, and that’s what I have as my “avatar” for this internet handle (attached). Saying that I’m about 250 lbs. can be misleading, since I not only have a large frame, but a not-insignificant amount of muscle, and I also carry my extra weight fairly evenly over my body. People often underestimate my weight by 20 or 30 lbs.; I myself have no concept of what a given weight on a given height looks like, really, so even though I know my numbers I prefer not to use them. I have also used terms to describe myself such as (often ironically) “Renaissance beauty” (I am very fair-skinned and decidedly curvy, but have dark hair and eyes) or “cuddly.” I make an awesome pillow. :)

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I generally feel like I’m pretty comfortable with my body. Most of my concerns about my size are practical ones rather than psychological ones: having a hard time being able to find clothing that fits well, not being able to fit my wide hips into some spaces easily (like opera house seats and armchairs,) being hard on shoes and on my joints, and health concerns like being prediabetic and prone to heart disease. Of course I have the occasional twinge of self-consciousness, but it’s less often over the size of my belly and hips than things like stretch marks or breast shape, or being knock-kneed. I actually have a bit of a problem, because I look in the mirror and see myself as looking pretty good, even when an oufit will later prove itself to be quite, quite unflattering. I think of myself as sexual and sexy, and usually feel that way when it’s appropriate, even if I don’t advertise it and tend to dress rather plainly/modestly most of the time. I just wish I had a more accurate body image so I could avoid some of the more egregious mistakes I’ve made in choosing clothing that doesn’t fit OR flatter. :P

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I joke that I’ve always been in the 99th percentile in everything, and my size is no exception. My mother is a physician, and so when I was growing up she would put me on her scale and measure my height, then pull out this giant green book of pediatric growth charts and show me where I was. By the end of elementary school, I was off the page — and I wasn’t even that overweight then. She used to warn me sternly that if I wasn’t careful, I wouldn’t be able to fit into “regular clothes” anymore and would have to shop in plus sizes. Well, I’m a pretty solid 20/22W now, so so much for that. :p I was also teased mercilessly as a child about my weight, called the Pillsbury Dough-girl (in part because I would yelp when poked in the stomach,) etc. Oddly enough, though, I somehow became determined not to care about my size or become obsessed with dieting and such, in part perhaps because I learned about eating disorders fairly early on, in another part because it was the fashionable thing to do and I had nothing but disdain for the fashionable for a long time, and probably also in part because when someone puts pressure on me about something, especially if it’s a goal I see as being very difficult to accomplish to begin with, I tend to respond with apathy — and my mother, the physician, did her best to impress upon me the dire consequences of obesity in every regard.

How important is sexuality to your life?
I’d say it’s pretty important. Perhaps oddly, my interest in it is largely intellectual, and dealing with where it intersects a lot of my other philosophical/psychological/biological interests, though I have been cognizant of the sexual aspects of my body since at least three years of age.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
It’s…been an interesting trip. When liking boys and going ga-ga over celebrities was fashionable, I didn’t want anything to do with it. I’ve always had a pragmatic, almost academic approach to relationships, and it didn’t make any sense for me to start dating when it wouldn’t mean anything. I had crushes, of course, after a point, but felt that it was just way too early for me to start anything physical, or even a serious emotional relationship. Even in high school I told my boyfriend (who wasn’t supposed to be my boyfriend — we were just supposed to be dating-as-in-going-on-dates) never to “kiss me with desire.” Of course, I was also coming off a three-year radical Catholicism spree in which I learned that oh by the way that thing you’ve been doing since you were three? Sin against God and your future spouse. Oops. Yeah, I gave myself a lot of grief over that before I just sort of got over it and gave up. There are still echoes of that idea that fantasizing about others is disrespectful — I don’t ever have long, drawn-out narrative fantasies, only brief kinesthetic flashes of desire — and I still have an abiding distaste for “real people” porn. (Finding Dov FUCKING SEXY when he’s just gotten out of the shower, though? Totally cool with me. I suspect he doesn’t mind either.)

One thing I do still find problematic is reconciling two kinds of innocence: innocence of knowledge and innocence of guilt.. I feel that in our society too often sexual experience, especially for women, equates to guilt: experienced women are soiled, marred, impure, and disposable, subject to everyone’s desire if they are subject to that of one person, even themselves (c.f. my paranoia about being found out for owning a dildo.) But I can’t pretend that I’m innocent of knowledge anymore, at least not to myself. (To my parents, and to those whose no business it is, well. That’s another thing entirely.) I boggled the other day that, in saying that Dov is a fantastic kisser, I realized I had six other people to compare him to. By some people’s standards, that makes me a slut.

But I haven’t done anything wrong. I still feel childlike, innocent and, yes, pure. And why shouldn’t I feel that way? I haven’t hurt anyone or done anything irresponsible or betrayed some essential nature of myself — quite the contrary. So I say that while I am not innocent of knowledge, and thank god for that — I have never valued naiveté, and did a lot of self-sexual-education before I ever was even considering a sexual relationship with someone — I am innocent of guilt. And I’m not going to let anyone else convince me otherwise.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
That very much depends on context. I still find that being seen as sexual by the body politic tends to invite unwanted attention and provoke unwarranted assumptions that I just don’t want to deal with, so I dress modestly and conduct myself demurely in general — and I just don’t think it would be in my nature to advertise my proclivities even if there weren’t any consequences. However, in certain contexts — with someone I’m involved with, obviously, or (to take one strange example) on the dance floor of a club, the usual order of things is not present and so I can be sexual and still be safe without worrying about losing respect. (One funny story about clubs, though: I’ve only been “clubbing” once, and took great glee in inverting the usual “booty dancing” protocol — I had boys dancing on my hips, my legs between theirs and my hand firm against the small of their backs, pulling their bodies against me: instead of presenting myself as an object of desire, which role I’ve never been comfortable accepting because it is too passive and too dependent one externals except in close relationships, and involves too much of a giving-over of power to the eyes of the beholder (hah!), I decided to let the boys come to me, myself remaining unabashed and confirmed in my own sexiness. And they did. :3 It was delicious.)

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Probably not very comfortable, haha! I’m curvy, but I’m nowhere near the “ideal” curviness that seems to be cropping up as the alternative proposed by size-positive groups. The ideal hasn’t been abolished; just moved — see the Dove ads, for one. For another, less idealistic example, I’ve noticed that “chubby” appreciation threads on 4chan (a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it passes the time upon occasion) mostly just have normal-sized women…with extremely large breasts. I’m proportional. On a smaller woman, my breasts would be a C-cup, though on me they’re a D because of the weirdness with the way bra sizes work. A girl who was rather slimmer than I (though still “chubby”) with proportionally larger breasts, posted pictures of herself and was told that she “really drew the short stick; your boobs are kinda small for a fat chick.” That said, society can go fuck itself, by and large, because I have had PLENTY of affirmation that there’s a good chunk of the population that thinks I’m damn hot. :p I don’t demand that the maximum number of people find me attractive; in fact, I think that would be a burden! That said, people who would find me attractive solely because I fit into a certain size category piss me off no matter what size they see as ideal. I am not a size. I’m not “a BBW” any more than I’m a 36-24-36. I’m me, dammit, not a collection of checkmarked traits. I don’t have a “type” (for men) — who I find attractive is largely based on how close I feel to them, how much solidarity and understanding exists between us. If someone finds me attractive just because I’m “their type,” I tend to view that attraction as ungenuine, and more likely to be debunked later when they recognize all the traits of mine that don’t fit their type. (Strangely enough, though…with women, I do have a general type, and a girl who fits it will literally turn my head. I like hips. A lot. Of course, there is the added layer that I don’t see myself as having very close relationships with other women, even friendships — I tend to get along better with guys — and due to the exigencies of biology, I don’t see myself ever pursuing a sexual relationship with a woman unless they come up with some way of body-swapping on demand so I can have the male body to suit the male part of my brain that likes to interrupt my train of thought when a hot girl walks by.)

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Er. I suppose I take a pragmatic, accepting approach to both in a society that is rather fond of dealing with both in idealized, judgmental ways.

Size & Sexuality Study – Dee

heart-hnt-02
Curvaceous Dee herself, courtesy of Curvaceous Dee

This is the third of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: Size & Sexuality Study – luna[KM]
Read the second: Size & Sexuality Study – icecoldbath
Read the third: Size & Sexuality Study – Nadia West

Dee is a 31 year old pansexual cis-female who is civilly unioned and with multiple partners. To many she is known via her blog as Curvaceous Dee.

What size is your body?
In New Zealand sizing I’m a 26 or XXXL. I think that in US sizing that’s a 22 or 24. My shape is more hour-glass than apple or pear – I have boobs and arse and thighs and belly, with a comparatively small waist. While I’m big, I’m big all over! I also weigh more than I appear to (I weigh over 140kg/300lb), and wear dress sizes larger than most people realise.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I love my body, and my body size and shape. I’m very comfortable with how I look and how I feel.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
13 years ago I was much slimmer, and my size increased over a 2 year period. I spent four or five years unhappy with the changes and wanting to be slimmer again. It took me time to realise that a) this is my natural body shape (becoming vegetarian didn’t reduce it; exercising less thanks to migraines didn’t increase it), b) I’m not unhealthy at this size, and c) I look and feel great just the way I am! I’m fat, I’m sexy, and I’m damned happy that way.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Very!

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I’ve always been quite experimental. However, in the past eight or so years I’ve gone from identifying as heterosexual, to bicurious, to bisexual, and finally to pansexual. At the same time I moved from (mostly failed) monogamous relationships to (mostly successful) polyamorous ones; and also discovered my submissive desires.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Very – and participating in Half-Nekkid Thursday over the past year and increased my comfortableness even more.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Society in general? Fat and sexy seems anathema the majority of the time. However I’ve had nothing but positive feedback from partners over the past eight years; nothing but positive comments on my blog (and there’s been a lot of my body shown); and nothing but positive – or at least non-negative – responses from my local kink community.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
The main link is that as I became more comfortable with myself – my body, my attractions, my desires – I became happier in my relationships.

Anything else you would like to add?
These are fascinating questions, and I’m very curious to see what other have to say. And that FAT IS SEXY – especially mine :)

Size & Sexuality Study – Nadia West

adipositivity220
Number 156 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the third of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: Size & Sexuality Study – luna[KM]
Read the second: Size & Sexuality Study – icecoldbath

Nadia West is a mid 30s relatively femme woman who is bisexual and polyamorous with two men currently. She blogs at Diary of a Kinky Librarian and also twitters as Nadia West.

What size is your body?
women’s size 18, taller than average, chubby

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
There seems to be two levels of how I look at my body – on one level, I feel fat and I know that socially I’m not considered attractive body-wise. I also should be healthier and in better shape. But on the other level I have no problem being naked at sex parties and whatnot – I’m really comfortable with my body in those situations. I think sexiness isn’t necessarily tied to what your body looks like.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I’ve gotten generally more comfortable with it. I rarely get down on myself for being overweight like I used to – I figure I need to either accept it or do something about it. Feeling bad about myself won’t change things.

How important is sexuality to your life?
VERY!

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I keep getting more and more comfortable with my sexuality. I think I’m more comfortable seeking out what works for me than I was when I was younger.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I’m pretty comfortable. Now that’s not to say that sometimes I don’t feel undesired compared to thinner women at swing clubs, but once I’m in a sexual situation I’m really comfortable and not worried about what my body looks like.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Society wants to say that I’m fat and flabby and therefore unattractive and not sexual.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Certainly, feeling comfortable with your body will help you feel comfortable with your sexuality and vice versa. Once you accept your body as a source of pleasure it’s hard to hate it so much.

Size & Sexuality Study – icecoldbath

adipositivity220
Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the second of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The answers have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information here.

Read the first: Size & Sexuality Study – luna[KM]

icecoldbath is a 20 year old female (she says: “I can haz vajayjay?” – yay for lolspeak) who is pansexual. She blogs at Confessions of Promiscuity and also twitters as icecoldbath.

What size is your body?
Well let’s see, I’m a size 20-22 in pants. But I’m 5’5″ 250lbs, and I genetically have a bigger tummy than the rest of my body, but I’m pretty well proportioned.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
With my body in general, I’m content. My body size specially, I’m happy with it, I’m plus size, I’m sexy, I’m voluptuous, curvy.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
Oh geez, when I was younger I definitely went through that “I hate my body” stage. I’ve come to love my body a lot more than I used to. Although, from time to time, I do get a little upset with my body size, I know that I’m sexy and my body is definitely a main factor in that. As far as body size, well yeah, I’ve gained a few pounds. Okay, like 50 in the past couple of years.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Sexuality is a big part of my life. As crazy as this sounds, when I first got my nipples pierced, that’s when I really started to feel sexy. After that, I explored different revenues of sexual expression and who I am sexually.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I have definitely grown sexually over the years. I had my first sexual encounter at the age of 14. Needless to say my thoughts were “that’s it?”. Obviously we all grow as time goes on, so my sexuality evolved as well. As far as my attitude toward my sexuality, I’ve always been comfortable in it and with it, I never doubted that I enjoyed sex, sex that my peers at the time were astonished by (kink) at the time.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
As of this year, I’ve really opened up with my body. I’m not afraid to show someone how I like something done, in the bedroom. I’m not worried about what stereotypes or judgements may fall on me. I like sex, I know that I like sex, and if you aren’t doing it right, I’ll let you know.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Society in general isn’t comfortable seeing a scarred, fat, pierced, tattooed, stretch marked woman. That’s fine by me, because one day, all these skinny bitches will be out of the magazines and all us big girls will be the ones on the cover. Watch out Suicide Girls – big girl’s comin’ through!

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I’ve noticed that to feel comfortable in your sexuality, you need to feel comfortable in your body. To feel comfortable in your body, it’s not necessary, but pretty important to be comfortable in your sexuality.

Anything else you would like to add?
We’re a generation of fattastic, fatgasmic women. Let’s embrace that, and show the world that we aren’t afraid to wear a corset and thong, so what if we have stretch marks. Big is beautiful, and damnit, I’m proud to show you my naked body!

Size & Sexuality Study – luna[KM]

BBW Shibari by Hikari Kesho
From the Boundless Project by Hikari Kesho

This is the first of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The answers have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already, due in large part to groups on FetLife, and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information here.

luna[KM] is a 31 year old female who identifies as heterosexual with bi-kinky tendencies. She is owned and collared by KnyghtMare. Her personal blog is BDSM is Love, and she also maintains a number of other websites including The Iron Gate and Sensual Service.

What size is your body?
I weigh 340 lbs, am a pear shape with a large belly apron. My measurements are 54 60 64. I wear a 28/30 US.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I’m quite comfortable with my body around people I know, but am very sensitive to looks and whispers when out in public and with strangers or new acquaintances.Specifically I don’t like and am very embarrassed by squeezing into theater seats, having to move the tables of booths so that it can accommodate me, or skipping sitting altogether to avoid the embarrassment.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I remember as a child being humiliated at my size. I was constantly picked on, and while my friends did enjoy being around me, they always tried to pair me with the fat boys, as if I would only be acceptable around them if I dated within my own body size. As I grew up I realized that my size wasn’t so bad and began dressing as if I was average sized. This included short skirts, tight tops, sleeveless or halters and tried my best to be sexy.

Then I got married and gained over 100 lbs. I felt horrible about how I began to look, no clothing fit me right, I didn’t want to dress sexy any more. Sweats and jeans were common attire. Now that I’m not with him anymore and with my Master he has lifted my body image immensely. He cultured my love of sexy clothing, reminding me that when I wear make-up and do my hair I feel sexier. This has resulted in a new pride in my body size and I’m less uncomfortable going out with him beside me.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Sexuality is very important in my life. I feel the most free when I can express my sexuality openly.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I grew up thinking that sex was something you only did with your spouse and it was very hush hush. I thought that the woman didn’t have to enjoy it every time and that as long as the man was happy, the sex was fine.

When my husband and I separated I was exploring sexual freedom. I tried to sleep with anyone who wanted me. It wasn’t a proud moment in my personal history but I learned a lot about myself during that time.

I’m far from that thought now. I love sex and love expressing my beauty to my owner. I’m a flirt and a tease and tend to engage in these tactics at the most frustrating times! He encourages my sexual identity and I thrive in knowing that I’m a sexy woman to him and can light his fire with just a look.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I’m pretty comfortable expressing myself, although I seem to lock up when put on the spot and asked to ‘show how bad I need it.’ It took me several months to be comfortable masturbating in front of my partner and it still causes a skipped beat when asked to do that.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Society really isn’t comfortable with people my size having sex at all. Someone my size is more a fascination or fetish rather than an acceptable desire. If I dress sexy I tend to get unappreciative looks from people because in their eyes my body should be covered and hidden. Sexuality isn’t accepted in obese people. It’s like we are lepers or something.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
The bigger my body has gotten, the higher sexuality plays a part in my happiness and fulfillment. Of course that could be attributed to my partner’s adoring gaze too.

If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information here.