taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Archive for March, 2010


Relational Assumptions

I came to a realization a few nights ago regaring something I’ve sort of mentioned in a previous post. As the baby of the family I was constantly reminded growing up that I was known to some only by my other relationships. I was her sister or his daughter or so on. Since then it’s always been a little bit of an irritation for me. I don’t want to be known by my relationships I want to be known as me, as a whole person, as myself.

I discovered when leaving Juneau for the first time that I had that opportunity. I was no longer bound by the familial or other relationships I was locked in to in my home town. I could be as flamboyant and outrageous as I desired, or I could safely lurk in the shadows, and no one would be the wiser, they wouldn’t have any information about me before I gave it to them.

When I moved to Salt Lake City to be with Onyx I fell back into that role. I was Onyx’s girlfriend, known by my relationship, known by association. Needless to say it irritated me again, and that irritation (among other things, really) kept me from getting to know some people I wish I had. I didn’t see the whole picture.

Upon deciding to return to Seattle I worried quite a bit about being known by my relationship again. In the few months I was gone (and some in the previous year) Onyx developed or strengthened a number of friends and acquaintences and I have been wondering how I will or won’t fit into those. I don’t have to fit in to all or any of them, but I’ve been wondering about it and wondering how my meeting them through him, being known by association, would affect my relationship with them. I realized, though, that this is more my issue than anyone elses.

When going to Tristan Taormino’s workshop at Babeland on Making Open Relationships Work, afterwards when I was able to talk with her, I introduced myself to her in relation to two things: I reviewed her awesome porno Rough Sex, and she knows my older sister. She also recognized me from Twitter as I @replied her regarding attending her workshop. Thinking about it afterwards I wondered why, when I spent so much time worrying about being known by association, why would I knowingly and purposefully put myself in that situation?

What I came up with was a bit of a happy revelation. First, specifically for that situation, she had other ways of associating me other than my sister, which made it a little safer, but I also knew that would be something which would help me stand apart. It was a way for her to remember me, being a help to me rather than a hinderance.

This is only the most recent example, and the rest of the events of the day definitely contributed to this as well, I think, but this is what made it snap in my head.

I’m responsible for making myself a whole person in the eyes of others.

It seems so simple, it seems ridiculously simple, it was one of those “duh” moments where I would have smacked myself on the forehead if I had not been lying in bed in the dark next to Onyx when I wanted to be sleeping but my mind was too buzzy to turn off yet.

What does it mean, though, really? It’s more than just what it says, because I knew that, but it’s the way that sentence applies to this situation that I hadn’t yet put together. Basically it means I need to stop assuming people have preconceived notions about me, stop worrying about what they might possibly already think about me or what they might possibly assume, and actively work to make sure they see me as a person if I care enough to do so.

I mean, I knew it was my responsibility to do so, but instead of embracing that as meaning I should stop worrying and just do it I let my worry overtake me and stop me from even trying to make myself a whole person because I was pidgeonholed into this role. In reality, while I’m sure there are plenty of people who do see me “just” as Onyx’s partner or “just” by my familial relations or whathaveyou, the assumption that someone I don’t know my own self would do that is vastly unfair.

I think this is a step toward becoming less isolated and more outgoing, caring less what people think, being more comfortable in social situations, and being more comfortable to be the real me.

Over the Weekend

This weekend was, in a word, amazing. Lots of sex, new friends, Tristan Taormino, and our first foursome. Though not in that order.

Wait, though, I need to back up a bit.

While I was in Juneau Onyx met Terra and her husband Storax. Onyx and Terra were attracted to each other and began talking, flirting, getting to know each other, and playing with the idea of more. I was hesitant to endorse this potential new relationship as the triad was so fresh a wound but I was also determined not to hinder Onyx if that was what he wanted to do. After some talk and a lot of overanalization that I do so well and acceptance that this was my own shit that didn’t need to hinder Onyx from exploring this new attraction, I became more and more okay with it.

When he told me they had done things together I reacted in a way I didn’t expect. I expected to have a pang of jealousy, insecurity, envy, anything, but instead I didn’t feel anything like that. I can’t say I was completely to compersion as I can’t say I experienced joy because of it happening, but I didn’t feel negatively about it, which actually confused me. I had felt negatively previously when he first brought the possibility up so I expected to feel that again, but it simply wasn’t there. It was strange, honestly, but really nice.

On Friday Terra came over for a few hours and we pretty much hit it off. We three talked, I showed her my sex toy collection, we all flirted and, eventually, kissed. She left with a play date scheduled for Sunday when she and Storax would come over and we could see if things progressed further between her and I, or basically just see what would happen.

That night Onyx and I were up late. I’m still sore, actually. We talked about the possibilities that Sunday might bring which just added to the usual high level of lust that has become the norm between us again.

Saturday was spent recovering, mostly. We cuddled and kissed while we watched shows, ate, enjoyed each other’s company, and fucked. We’ve both become quite into him slapping me in the face or tits and pinching and twisting my nipples hard.

Sunday we got up early to finish some things we had not gotten to the night before. I had been wanting to do a batch of dishwasher dildos for a while, by which I mean sterilizing my sterilizeable toys by running them through the dishwasher on the top rack with no soap, and so I did while we did some general cleaning up, showered, got ready, and so forth.

They brought coffee and we all sat around talking for a while, further getting to know each other. We put on some porn, Storax and I were scratching Terra’s back which progressed into some groping and kissing before determining it would be best to move into the bedroom. Once there we all began gentle exploration and a good four hours or so was spent in such blissful fun that I only remember it in fragments, snapshots.

The three of us using various implements to smack Terra’s ass. Terra and Storax remarking about my cunt piercings. Onyx’s fingers on my nipples, Terra’s tongue on my clit, Storax sucking my toes (which I never thought I would enjoy, but I did). Terra coming around my fingers as my tongue flicked against her clit, Onyx’s cock in her mouth, Storax’s fingers in my ass. Terra sucking Onyx’s cock as I licked his balls. Onyx helping me suck Storax’s cock. Using an enema syringe for the first time. Onyx coming as he stroked himself, Terra licked his balls and fingering his ass, Storax’s cock in my ass (that happened a lot). Storax coming in Terra’s mouth as Onyx and I watched and I softly sucked Onyx’s spent cock.

Lots of kissing. Lots of anal for everyone. Lots of grinning. Lots of groping. Lots of check-ins, both verbal and non-verbal between pretty much everyone, everyone making sure everyone else was having fun and enjoying themselves. Lots of breaks for whatever we needed, but the ease of sliding back into play when those needs were satiated.

It was beyond wonderful. It was so different from our threesome experience, it was all about fun, play, and making sure everyone was having a good time without obsessing about it. There was no jealousy or negative feelings, things were taken slow in some areas, especially where Storax and I were concerned, and he was extremely good about asking me if I was alright with him doing something before he did it, especially since we had not talked about it at all before things happened.

I was a little reserved, apprehensive, unsure of how much to assert myself, unsure of what I should or should not do at times, but also wanting to just sit back and see what the others wanted to do. I was happy to relax and let things progress as they all wanted, especially knowing that this is likely to happen again.

As evening rolled around we all rinsed off, dressed, and Onyx and I got ready to go to Tristan Taormino’s workshop on “Making Open Relationships Work,” which seemed like a fitting end to a lovely day. Although we lamented having to stop the fun we were all having, but were reminded that Terra and Storax live here, unlike Tristan, and they both had no qualms with emphatically assuring us this would be able to happen again.

After the workshop (for that itself is a separate post) we came home, relaxed, and went to bed exhausted. Fortunately the excitement of the weekend was enough to encourage another hot and intense rough fucking session complete with multiple orgasms for me. The weekend ended in cuddles while Onyx drifted off to sleep.

03.24

2010

Looking Forward

Onyx and I are making lots of plans for this coming year, places and events we are going to go to and people we want to see. Lucky for us there are many awesome events right here in Seattle this year that we are going to, and one in our former home of Salt Lake City. Once I get a job and start making money we may be able to afford other events (there are plenty I would love to go to, kink conferences especially), but for the moment we are sticking to mostly local events.

We are also extremely excited about Amber (of Divergent Dance) and Em (of Life in Transition) heading up our way in April. Onyx got to meet them in November (I think, maybe December?) while I was in Juneau which I was highly jealous about, and now it’s my turn! I’m sure I’ll be writing about the experience.

(Edit)
I also forgot at the time of posting this that Nadia West is coming our way in April. Lucky for us all she happens to be coming the same weekend that Kyle and Roxy are also planning on visiting the Emerald City and seeing us! The wonderful CoyPink lives nearby as well and I haven’t seen her since I left to Juneau, so the six of us are planning on going out. It should be an absolute blast!
(/Edit)

Some of these events are small workshops and such, some of them are bigger conferences. I will probably be writing about all if not most of them, so here’s a taste of what might be coming up post-wise. You can find information about each of the events by clicking on their titles (they’re all linked), or checking out the FetLife event page for each of them. I was going to write a little blurb about each of them, but I figure if you’re interested you can click the link!

I’m also interested to know if anyone of you are planning on attending any of these events, if so comment or drop me an email! (lotus AT scarletstsyr.com)

BDSM and Anal Play
March 27
CSPC (Seattle)
FetLife Event

Making Open Relationships Work
March 28
Babeland (Seattle)
FetLife Event

Seattle Erotic Arts Festival (SEAF)
April 30 – May 2
Seattle
FetLife Event

Sex 2.0
May 22 – 23
Seattle
FetLife Event

Element 11
June 10 – 14
Salt Lake City
FetLife Group

Servant’s Retreat I
June 25 – 27
Kenmore, WA
FetLife Event

03.24

2010

e[lust] #10


HNT Courtesy of Babe Lincoln

Welcome to e[lust] - The 10th edition! Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #11? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Negotiation – Not Nearly As Awkward As Having a Breakdown in PublicAll the worries about getting to know a new person (“Am I dressed ok? Are they gonna like my stories about my grandma?”) get exaggerated when you’re talking about sex and desire…

Dollar Store DommeHe definitely can’t elude the dollops of toothpaste I dab onto his nipples. It takes a delicious second before he feels the cool burn penetrate his flesh. By that time I’m already up and selecting a plastic spatula from the credenza.

The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo?Whether intentional or unthinking, bisexual denial is a frustrating thing for bisexual, pansexual or ‘fluid’ people to have to deal with.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Navigating Genderqueer in SuburbiaBut pray tell how do the rest of us navigate it? How the hell am I supposed to know if you identify as male or just like dressing like one?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

The Daddy Issue: Sexualizing AbuseI needed to walk through this fear, and turn it into pleasure. I needed to prove to myself that he hadn’t broken me. That he hadn’t changed who I was to become. That I was not affected by what he did. That he didn’t abuse me.

See also: Pleasurists #69 and #70 for all your sex toy review needs.

more →

What A Year

One year ago I wrote an introduction to Marla. We had already been talking for a few weeks previous to that. In so many ways it doesn’t seem like it has been a year, but in others it seems like it should have been far longer. Everything happened so quickly, she was living with us less than six months after I first introduced her, and then everything split apart just a few months later.

She once asked me if I planned on writing a post to commemorate our anniversary. This isn’t what either of us had in mind.

In some ways it makes me extremely excited for what the next year will bring. Where will I be in March of 2011? What will be happening and what will I be thinking? How will my identities and thoughts and passions have changed and grown and evolved?

In some ways it makes me sad that I have not posted as much this past year as I wanted to or wish I had, but I also know that was a product of the situation. I just couldn’t write about what I was thinking and feeling, for various reasons. I was highly distracted. I know I write about her quite often, but it’s difficult not to write about someone who had such an extreme impact on every aspect of my life as she did.

I will be moving back to Seattle in five short days, hoping that the situation I am coming back to will encourage me to write rather than the opposite, though I also hope to be far more busy so I may have to finally learn how to prioritize (and judging by the half-dozen drafts I have open while writing this that may take a bit to do). I am a different person now than I was a year ago, in so many ways. I’m looking forward to what the next year will bring.

My life is a series of changes, a series of hits and misses, ghosts and corpses. I’ve lost a lot and gained what I’ve taken. This time next year I won’t be this girl anymore, I’ll be something new. I’ll be a new image, a new collage in the making. But no matter who I become next I will always remember the people I’ve been and all the pieces I’ve kept. – We the Living Photography [image]

What I Don’t Need

At some point before I’ve talked about relationship needs, that is the needs of the relationship, but in the last few months something that has been extremely important for me to realize has been a different sort of relationship need, that is, a lack of need.

When I was younger a relationship or, more accurately, the absence of and desire for a relationship was always the focal point of my life, with other things often working to fill the void I felt without a partner. I think part of the reason why I left theatre life is because I was so focused on the need to be in a relationship, the need for a partner, and I thought theatre would distract from that. The reason I have recently been able to come back to it is because of this new lack of a need.

The word “need” is thrown about so much even though so often it is impossible to accurately separate needs from wants when in the moment, one must step outside and analyze and discern in order to figure out what is really necessary and what is a passing fancy, and even that is difficult without hindseight. Luckily life is much like the philosopher Jagger sang1, and often these things work out on their own. Needs aren’t bad things by any means, so long as we can distinguish between need and want.

So often are we told that in order to be a complete and true person we must be in a couple, we are only part of a whole, and when we are told something over and over again it becomes like a need. We do not need others to fulfill or complete ourselves, though we often feel like we do because we are told that we do for various reasons. We are told we are incomplete without the perfect partner, not to mention marketing strategies which tell us we are not complete without some product or another, but that is a whole other post. The point is we need to be able to be happy and complete without external influences.

This isn’t to say that we don’t need relationships. After all, humans are social creatures, as the cliché tells us, and I’ve studied enough psychology and sociology to know that is basically true2. While love is part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs relationships in general aren’t the same as the idealized spend-all-of-your-time-together can’t-think-of-anyone-but-each-other completely emotionally dependent romantic relationships perpetuated by society. We grow up thinking that is what we need, to find someone to fill the void within ourselves, before realizing that no one can really fill that but ourselves.

Need indicates more than a desire. Saying that I need something is the same as saying that there is some fundamental part of me that requires something in order to survive, be complete, or be happy. I do need friends and relationships, but that doesn’t mean I need any one specific person. If that was true than no one would ever maintain friendships outside of romantic relationships.

Distinguishing the difference between the idealized relationship and a healthy independent relationship is something the triad taught me. While I knew in my head that it was best to have lives and friends and interests outside of the relationship I always had a difficult time engaging in anything like that aside from school. Once I graduated I lost my outside focus and my relationship with Onyx was strained ever since. He was also supporting me financially, he was basically providing me with the first three levels of my hierarchy of needs and neither of us was completely comfortable with that.

Spending time away from him really has done wonders for our relationship, for both of us. I’ve gotten to the point of embracing my autonomy and independence, enjoying time alone in a new way, which was truly necessary after the triad, which truly was a spend-all-of-your-time-together dependent romantic relationship. In addition to everything else I actually think rediscovering this independence has actually been a major catalyst for the rediscovery of my desire to be submissive for long periods of time rather than for short bursts during play. Now that I am not dependent on him my choice to be submissive is that much stronger. But I digress, that also is another post.

“I need you” now leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t want to be needed or to need anyone else, it puts too much pressure on the relationship. I would rather everyone involved was coming to the relationship from a place of want and desire, a place where the relationship is fun, voluntary, and exciting rather than necessary or required. Thus I am officially striking the phrase “I need you” or any derivative thereof from my romantic repertoire. I choose instead to employ phrases such as “I want you” or “I crave you” which are equally as powerful but are less dependent.

edit

Brought to my attention by the wonderful Kristi, Amanda Palmer’s cover of “I Want You, But I Don’t Need You” is fabulously in the exact same vein as my post above, and therefore needed to be embedded and shared. Not to mention it’s Amanda Palmer which automatically makes it that much more awesome.

  1. Referencing both the pilot episode of House and The Rolling Stones, of course. []
  2. I do have a degree in Psychology, which basically just allows me to go “hmm” when presented with any personal information about a person. []