lotusWelcome! I’m Tai Quyn Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a educator, artist, occultist, harlot, and gentlefemme about town. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I currently identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, queer theory, depth psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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Archive for March 24th, 2009


Finding the Next Step

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

03.24

2009

Size & Sexuality Study – Holly

hollysexy
Image provided by Holly

This is the ninth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh
Read the seventh: Emily
Read the eighth: slf

Holly is a 25 year old Pansexual Femme who currently has one boyfriend but is looking to develop friendships that could lead to a polyamorous relationship). You can find her on her myspace page.

What size is your body?
I’m 5″ 7. about 300lbs. I feel (and have been told) that I carry my weight very well.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I’m comfortable being naked (and enjoy it) most of the time. In my daily dress I enjoy looking sexy and wear clothing that other bigger girls might not be comfortable wearing. I no longer try to hide my curves, instead I accentuate them.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
Very much. Up until about 4 years ago I did everything I could to hide my body. Baggy clothes, sex with the lights off. Then I realized that my fat wasn’t going to disappear overnight and I had to learn to love myself the way I am right now.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Very, I love the connection involved with being sexual with someone. I’m fairly picky about my partners though because alot of the things I enjoy sexually requires a good connection and trust.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
This is probably the biggest change. I use to believe in waiting untill marriage and only having one partner in my life. As I got older I realized I could never be happy being with just one person, and that there are many people I could both love and be intimate with…and this is what would help bring me happiness.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Extremely comfortable surrounded by the right people or alone.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
As a BBW I feel that there are many people who see my body as being very sexy, but since society still views thin people as being the sexiest many people attracted to BBW’s feel that they have to keep it a secret.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
The older I get and the more confident, supportive, kinky people I meet the more I learn to love and accept my body and sexuality.