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Since I figured you’ve all seen enough of my face lately…

Seriously, though, the reason why I posted this is because I hate my arms. I showed a flash of tit so that there would be something else to look at too, but the main focus is my upper arm and thigh.

I remember the moment I started hating my arms, I don’t remember exactly how old I was only that I was in high school. I was talking with my dad about buying clothes or something about clothes and he told me that he wouldn’t buy me any tank-tops because I shouldn’t show my arms off because they were fat. My dad said that, he whose body type I emulate and who is heavier than me. I just about died.

I still hear his tone when he said that to me, so nonchalant. I’m sure he didn’t mean to cause harm by it specifically, it was just something he felt the need to inform me of, as if I wasn’t already painfully aware of my fat body. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he did make me overly self-conscious about my fat upper arms.

The more I think about my dad and all the things he’s said to me over the years in passing, all the little remarks, insisting I should sit in the front when five people are in the car because I’m the largest, little things that I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but that are. The more I think about his attitude towards size in general I realize that he’s extremely fatphobic, and a lot of fat people are.

I guess it makes sense, and I shouldn’t be surprised by that realization, but I was the first time I had it. Pretty much everyone has some fatphobia in them, I know I still do, although I actively work against it. So here I am working against my fat arm phobia, by letting you all see it in all it’s large glory.

I blame/thank Bevin for helping me with the courage to post this, though it’s still taken me all day to actually do it. Back on my HNT two weeks ago I mentioned “I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something.” She responded to the post that “unearth[ing] your upper arms” is “crucial to fat activism” and I’ve been thinking a lot about that in the last two weeks, especially with my posting of The Adipositivity Project and looking at all the bold beautiful big sexy women who are uncovered there.

I’m still not where I want to be health-wise, and I still have that inner voice telling me to keep myself covered, but I need to get to a better emotional place before I have the motivation to do all that I want to, and this is a step toward that, so enjoy.

Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.