I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.
Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.
I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.
Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.
The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.